FMV, How did your H react? Just wondering how much I need to say to H to get change. Unfortunately, I feel like I have to be prepared to just WAW if he keeps ignoring me. I do think I need to be really specific about what I need...
That's a really good question, and good intuition. Yes, I think you do have to be prepared to walk away at some point if changes don't happen. The key though, is to give you both enough time, patience, and compassion to let it happen BEFORE you do. Give yourself time...one month for each year you've been together. It could happen a lot faster, I know our changes have, but just to get you into the mindset, that's the kind of time frame you might have to be prepared for.
My H reacted both good and bad actually. Mostly bad at first, so you might have to weather it out a bit for a few months. For example, when I'd tell him I wasn't happy and I was ready to leave if things didn't change, he basically told me that he didn't believe me and that all our problems were all my fault anyways. (Don't believe horse pucky like that; just sheer evasion and a sign he's out of his element). I think by the third time I said it, it was starting to sink in.
As for the individual requests for change, he'd also make a lot of 'counter moves' (read Harriet Lerner's work for that... it was very helpful) for example, when I'd share something I wasn't happy with, he'd completely dismiss it, get angry and 'hit me back' with something I'd done he was mad about or, 'justify' whatever it was that I was unhappy with. And, each time you ask for something or you have a hard discussion, he might need a week or so before you really start seeing anything happen. Or, you might have to ask him for each thing a few times. Remember that even if he doesn't respond or the changes don't happen as quickly as you want, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It just means that change is hard!!
The key when this kind of stuff starts happening is to not let it play into your fears that you're asking for too much, or that you don't deserve the acts of love you're needing. Just stay calm and keep believing in yourself. You're worth what you're asking him for.
Really though, when it comes to negotiating change within a marriage, I couldn't recommend Harriet Lerner's books enough. I read a few of them many times over. They were a great inspiration and source of confidence for me.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
