2. Get in your husbands face about the troubles in your marriage. NO more hints, NO more suggestions, NO beating around the bush. Be completely up front and DIRECT. I know you may think that you're making your needs obvious to your husband, but it sure doesn't seem to be working does it? Spell it out for him...(If things don't change and we get help, then I don't think this marriage will last) This will get his attention!
YES! This! I know you're feeling like you want to work on your self esteem first, before you begin approaching your H. That's what I thought too at first. And building up your self esteem is key, I totally agree with that. Sometimes though, standing up for our needs with the people in our most intimate relationships is exactly what we're needing to start feeling more self worth.
I know it's hard and scary. The first couple times I stood up to my H and told him how neglected and alone I felt, and how serious this was, I was really, really frightened. My heart would pound so hard and I was so scared he'd just tell me to leave then, if I was so unhappy. I know it's hard though ... my heart goes out to you. You can do this.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Thank you so much for giving me my husband's perspective. Ironically, he is also a Mike.
You are right... I do need to get in his face about it. He has just so much of my "complaining" over the years I gave up. ...this is a 20 year marriage, largely sexless.
Until hearing the perspective you guys here, I honestly didn't think an EA was cheating or it would be such a big deal to H. I know I felt that way about him looking at porn (didp not like him fantasizing even about a stranger) which he did when our kudos were little, but if he does it now has gone underground in his laptop with it.
I am just thankful I found these forums, as I have nom one I would ever discuss this with. I don't think I would ever find these perspectives either.
What I'm seeing, not just from my sitch, but from others here is that it's as much about me... And becoming the person I want to be again, as it is my H. The OM brought it to a crisis state, but this is a symptom not the disease.
As hard as it is to verbalized this, my marriage mayo, not be salvageable. But, if I leave I don't want it to be about OM or to be with OM. I want to live the rest of my life with real intimacy with another person...not another 20 years of this. I'm not sure if H can change... I know he loves me, but I want him to be "in love" with me and want me before we're too old! My kids would kill me, but ironically when I was still working I fantasizes about getting my own apartment (long before EA ). I actually thought removing my (significant) income would help quash those daydreams. So, Mike this isn't something new and there are alot of reasons I've pulled away from H, not just the SSM... But just not having MANY of my needs met.
I acted out in other ways before... When I was working would go on shopping binges for example. I am usually quick to see my evil ways and stop, but then just into depressions over the emptiness I keep trying to fill.
This latest round of depression, my H got insulting about it, to the point I wished I were dead I felt so alone. now, I would NEVER commit suicide, because that is the ultimate selfish act to do to your kids... but this EA was a lifeline for me.
I don't think I've made clear just how dead I felt before this came about, and in some ways this friendship with OM saved me. I 'm crying as I type this... He was a LIFELINE for a long time, not the fantasy which he has become. Neither of us was looking for EA, it developed very slowly...
FMV, How did your H react? Just wondering how much I need to say to H to get change. Unfortunately, I feel like I have to be prepared to just WAW if he keeps ignoring me. I do think I need to be really specific about what I need...
That's a really good question, and good intuition. Yes, I think you do have to be prepared to walk away at some point if changes don't happen. The key though, is to give you both enough time, patience, and compassion to let it happen BEFORE you do. Give yourself time...one month for each year you've been together. It could happen a lot faster, I know our changes have, but just to get you into the mindset, that's the kind of time frame you might have to be prepared for.
My H reacted both good and bad actually. Mostly bad at first, so you might have to weather it out a bit for a few months. For example, when I'd tell him I wasn't happy and I was ready to leave if things didn't change, he basically told me that he didn't believe me and that all our problems were all my fault anyways. (Don't believe horse pucky like that; just sheer evasion and a sign he's out of his element). I think by the third time I said it, it was starting to sink in.
As for the individual requests for change, he'd also make a lot of 'counter moves' (read Harriet Lerner's work for that... it was very helpful) for example, when I'd share something I wasn't happy with, he'd completely dismiss it, get angry and 'hit me back' with something I'd done he was mad about or, 'justify' whatever it was that I was unhappy with. And, each time you ask for something or you have a hard discussion, he might need a week or so before you really start seeing anything happen. Or, you might have to ask him for each thing a few times. Remember that even if he doesn't respond or the changes don't happen as quickly as you want, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It just means that change is hard!!
The key when this kind of stuff starts happening is to not let it play into your fears that you're asking for too much, or that you don't deserve the acts of love you're needing. Just stay calm and keep believing in yourself. You're worth what you're asking him for.
Really though, when it comes to negotiating change within a marriage, I couldn't recommend Harriet Lerner's books enough. I read a few of them many times over. They were a great inspiration and source of confidence for me.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Be very clear that you will walk away if you don't start working on things. And you see that FMV said she had to say it 3 times. It might have taken a few times to get to me, but I would have got it with that clear message. I so wish my W had been upfront and in my face about it instead of going down the path of an EA. You can do this! Congrats on 20 hours. You will hit 24. And when you hit 24, your immediate goal is changed to 48 hours. It will get easier
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
