Not sure where to start or end? WAW? #4

[john28]

I agree CG that I have to break this cycle of self-neediness. It's not good. There was a point in my life where that didn't exist - and I was content. It took me a long time to get there and somehow I've lost myself along the way.

You may be right about me wanting to make the small gestures my W makes a bigger deal than they really are because I *need* them to bigger than they really are. Or, maybe I'm just highly perceptive to changes in demeanor or actions. Either way, I probably do latch onto them more than I should with hope.

I still have hope for my M. The demeanor these past few weeks after my hospital stay have been noticeably different from my W. We interact better and seem to be actually not be at each other's throats about everything. I don't know if that is a direct result of my actions or not, but it looks like it is. I'm not going out of my way to do everything possible and smother and care for her, but I am thinking a few steps ahead and doing things that are decent as a person towards her.

It may be that she is just being nice and coordial and that's it. I don't know what she's thinking. I can only speak to her actions, which have been different than before now. Not much, but noticeable. I don't think she is "thawing" but she is testing the waters. What for, I don't know. I don't know her motivation, and frankly no one here can really know either.

As far as Professor Cat Lady, I'm not sure what I'm really doing there also. Part of me thinks it is an EA. Part of me thinks it is just me moving on. I just don't know how I feel anymore about all of this. Maybe part of me is indeed using her to fuel my own self-worth and post-bomb grief relief. I don't know if I am leading her on or not either. I don't know how I feel anymore.