Mike,

Thank you so much for giving me my husband's perspective. Ironically, he is also a Mike.

You are right... I do need to get in his face about it. He has just so much of my "complaining" over the years I gave up. ...this is a 20 year marriage, largely sexless.

Until hearing the perspective you guys here, I honestly didn't think an EA was cheating or it would be such a big deal to H. I know I felt that way about him looking at porn (didp not like him fantasizing even about a stranger) which he did when our kudos were little, but if he does it now has gone underground in his laptop with it.

I am just thankful I found these forums, as I have nom one I would ever discuss this with. I don't think I would ever find these perspectives either.

What I'm seeing, not just from my sitch, but from others here is that it's as much about me... And becoming the person I want to be again, as it is my H.
The OM brought it to a crisis state, but this is a symptom not the disease.

As hard as it is to verbalized this, my marriage mayo, not be salvageable. But, if I leave I don't want it to be about OM or to be with OM.
I want to live the rest of my life with real intimacy with another person...not another 20 years of this. I'm not sure if H can change... I know he loves me, but I want him to be "in love" with me and want me before we're too old!
My kids would kill me, but ironically when I was still working I fantasizes about getting my own apartment (long before EA ). I actually thought removing my (significant) income would help quash those daydreams.
So, Mike this isn't something new and there are alot of reasons I've pulled away from H, not just the SSM... But just not having MANY of my needs met.

I acted out in other ways before... When I was working would go on shopping binges for example. I am usually quick to see my evil ways and stop, but then just into depressions over the emptiness I keep trying to fill.

This latest round of depression, my H got insulting about it, to the point I wished I were dead I felt so alone. now, I would NEVER commit suicide, because that is the ultimate selfish act to do to your kids... but this EA was a lifeline for me.

I don't think I've made clear just how dead I felt before this came about, and in some ways this friendship with OM saved me. I 'm crying as I type this... He was a LIFELINE for a long time, not the fantasy which he has become. Neither of us was looking for EA, it developed very slowly...