Sandi's Place

[Mike.4545]

Suggestions on goals for Time:
1) No contact with OM for 24 hours
2) Do one loving action for your H today even if you don't feel it
3) Some type of exercise

A big +1 for these ideas GW! I would also add ending the night with a nice movie and a decent bedtime! Listen to these suggestions Time!

I also agree completely with what GW is saying about your rationalizations of why it's ok to stay in contact with the OM, even if it seems harmless to you. Any and ALL contact you maintain with this OM is HARMING you, your marriage, your family, and your husband. I know it's tough, but there is no in-between with this. Telling yourself you just need to play him in chess until you can win is an EXCUSE you're feeding yourself! Don't fall for it...That's the addiction talking.

I can just share my experience as a LBH with you. Finding out about my wife's affair is the single most devastating and painful thing I've ever experienced in my life! Please don't continue down this path because it will end very very bad for everyone involved in your life. Please do not forsake all others in your search for happiness. I don't believe any true happiness can be found by hurting other people...especially the ones that are most important to us.

I think you need to do the following immediately:

1. Tell this OM that you can't communicate or interact with him again. Make up an excuse if need be. But make sure he knows that you need to end your friendship with him and that he shouldn't contact you anymore...for anything.

2. Get in your husbands face about the troubles in your marriage. NO more hints, NO more suggestions, NO beating around the bush. Be completely up front and DIRECT. I know you may think that you're making your needs obvious to your husband, but it sure doesn't seem to be working does it? Spell it out for him...(If things don't change and we get help, then I don't think this marriage will last) This will get his attention!

3. Work on yourself. Follow all the advice here on how to do that. Focus on your health, on your family, on your career, finances, home improvement, etc. Anything that could truly benefit your life and well-being. That is all health-food for your life. Your relationship with another man outside your marriage is complete poison!

Sorry if I sound harsh or anything...I just know what kind of destruction this behavior brings and there isn't anybody, or anything in this world that is worth the pain and heartache that will ensue if you continue down this path.

I've done so much for my wife that she'll never know or understand. Sure I had my faults and didn't always do what my wife wanted me to. I didn't go to sleep with her often enough, I was argumentative with a quick defensive temper, and apparently didn't make her feel like #1 in my life. But I did tell her every day that I loved her, that she was beautiful, hug her, kiss her, slap her on the ass, rub her back, and cook with her. In the end, I was doing what I thought she wanted...Not what she really wanted. Make sure you know what you need and convey that to your husband. Ask him the same thing. Find out what he needs and start doing those things.

Stay strong and good luck with all of this. I know it's not easy at all...but it's worth it.

Mike =O)