What's da haps, man?

[BobbiJo]

Hey Sol....

I have 'flashbacks' like that a lot. Something he told me about 'them' or something I read, something I heard...sometimes I push past it and other times I think on it for a while and it makes me cry. I sometimes wish we had those mind-eraser things from Men In Black to erase some of the details...

I do want to be able to love someone with my whole heart again someday, but when/if that happens I will not be so willing to give, give, give unless the other person is also doing the same.

[ClingingToHope]

I know I'm going to fall hard again some day for someone. I'm not sure when. I hope that I'm practical then on figuring out if it will work long-term.

I mean, there were red flags popping up everywhere with STBXW, but I really thought we were perfect for each other ... and it didn't work out.

I guess my answer on love is that I expect to be passionate, but when it comes to ever getting married again, I hope to be more practical.

I have thoughts like you had in the car when I'm driving as well. And I don't have any concrete proof that STBXW cheated or that this guy who keeps popping up is any more than a friend.

It's tough. Sometimes I think something has to go on because STBXW was with so many guys before me. Other times I remember what a cold fish she is and think she'll probably die alone.

Anyway, back to you, those thoughts don't happen as often or hurt as much -- but they'll always hurt a little, I think.

What is it about driving in the car? I had several occasions last year where I got so lost in thought I lost track of what I was doing. I'm extremely lucky I didn't have an accident last year.

[ImprovedRomeo]

(((Sol)))

You've been doing a great job detaching but court on Mon probably brought things back in front of you. It's quite normal though how you manage it is key. BTW, have you gotten those ADs yet?

They've all said and done mean horrible things to us and yes the details and visions in our heads are tough to deal with. That's why I always tell everyone to know as little about them as possible. I didn't think the physical part affected women as much as it affects men but clearly you and another friend has mentioned the same thing so clearly it's difficult for women too.

I think most of us were idealizing them for a long time. Here's an article that I think might help you:

"Two halves do not necessarily make a whole. Nor can someone else always provide what we internally lack. When the imperfect partner inevitably falls short of fulfilling the masculine or feminine role--and cannot relate intimately due to their own disequilibrium--anger, resentment and hostility simmer. Eventually, in every romantic relationship, disappointment or disillusionment set in. The person chosen no longer can carry the idealized projection of man or woman we initially attributed to them. They are no longer a blank screen or tabula rasa upon which to project, but rather a real person with flaws, idiosyncrasies and human limitations.

Frequently, this is when the relationship enters a period of painful, tempestuous crisis, with one or both partners feeling they have fallen out of love, and therefore, should move on. This misinterpretation is the ruin of many marriages."

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evil...-other-part-two

Hang in there and try to focus on getting through the week, take one thing at a time...I know you can do it!

[soleil]

I sometimes wish we had those mind-eraser things from Men In Black to erase some of the details...

Amen to that! What I wouldn't give for one of those!

IR, I am not going to get ADs. I am in a MUCH better place now that I was even a month ago. I spent almost a year feeling so frickin low and in hindsight, I should have gotten on ADs but dont feel I need it at this point. Though I get sad, I don't wake up each day with that pounding migraine and wanting to die.

That's why I always tell everyone to know as little about them as possible

Oh I wish I would have used this... I, unfortunately, ASKED. He took it further though than what I needed to know. I even found was told about her political preferences and how she "acted like she had never had sex before" (you know, cause she wanted to f-ck so much). Lovely, yes? And that's another thing. I've always prided myself on not being a woman who would go home with a man she met just hours before and giving him a damn bl-w job and f-cking him several times but I guess that is what my STBX is really into, though he always talked smack about those kinds of women before... Seriuosly, why the h did he tell me everything? It's like pouring acid on someone's heart.

I didn't think the physical part affected women as much as it affects men but clearly you and another friend has mentioned the same thing so clearly it's difficult for women too.

Oh, we care just as men as the men do!

Frequently, this is when the relationship enters a period of painful, tempestuous crisis, with one or both partners feeling they have fallen out of love, and therefore, should move on. This misinterpretation is the ruin of many marriages."[/i]

Excellent article. I esp. liked the last part. It's so true.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Sol, when you have a chance read the whole article there's something else phsycological that goes on with us and them. The article explains it a bit. When we fall in love with people, or have crushes on people it's not usually the person we're in love with. It's our own alter ego that we project on them. Hard to explain it in my own words...

He told you all the details because he's not very smart. I don't think he wanted to hurt your feelings instead he probably wanted to be open and honest about what he'd done out of guilt. But he didn't take into account how it would affect you. When my STBXW told me about her I told her 'no matter how much I push you for the details if you care even an ounce about me don't tell me'. Luckily I never asked and she didn't tell. Doesn't mean my mind didn't make sh*t up but I learned to realize that it wasn't all that great afterall that it had to be all secretive and full of guilt for her and ultimately she came back to me. So at the very moment it might have been fun (for a whole 10 secs LOL) or whatever but the guilt afterwards was so great that they had to confess. I think they'll look at it as a mistake in the future even if they end up being with that person and even then it won't last. Just a matter of time before they do it to someone else. You can't fix broken people. So try not to give it so much credit that it was so great. I seriously doubt it was.

Goodluck on your exams.

[CityGirl]

There are always so many things to think about. It gets very confusing.

I do think in many cases the WAS tells the LBS certain things because they are so consumed with guilt they can't see straight. My H told me many things (lord did he tell me things, lol!) without me asking for such information. According to him (and we all know *him* and his BS'ing capabilities) he was telling me all of this stuff to show me that he is now a better communicator. LOL!

Unless you were married to a serial cheater (and it doesn't sound like your H was, mine was not either) I think you have to at least keep in mind what place they are in. Most "normal" people know that cheating is not right. So when they do something that is not right they must, for their own sanity (which is clearly questionable at this point) find ways to justify their actions so they still feel like they are good people. I think them sharing so many details allows them to feel purged and therefore decent again.

My H was happier and more in love than he has EVER been in his life. Or that is what he says. Last Tuesday we were both at a concert (not together of course) and guess who texted me all night? Him. He begged me to meet him, talk to him, trust him again and all of *that". I am missing from his life and he just can't have that anymore (according to him). Four hours of texts I got until it was time for him to go home to OW then they stopped and I haven't heard from him since. Something is wrong with him. Clearly.

I sent out the next round of legal documents on Monday. I stood outside the post office for 36 min. before I went inside to mail them off. Come Feb. I have a pretty good idea of what round 2 is going to look like. And he is pretty sad about it according to his drunken texts. But this will continue as long as I allow it and the same will happen to you.

Getting divorced is an awful lot to handle and process. It has horrible highs and lows and finding a balance is not something that happens in xxx amount of days. I still work at it and probably will have to for a long time to come. You will also and that is okay.

I'd much rather know you are slowly building a friendship with a nice new person that you feel has some potential rather than passing out BJ's at a club like your H's little friend did. You are remarkable - your H just needed to do better. And he wasn't even capable of that. Sad really. But you remained a lady.

[soleil]

I caved. I know. I suck. 2x4 me if you like.

Messaged him I hope he meets someone who treats him well and I'd rather be unhappy in edxchange for his happiness, that I love him and always will, blah blah. He writes back saying how the only thing he ever wanted was me, that he couldn't ever have me (??), that he asks himself sometimes what is he doing in this world, that I was always and will always be the only one for him.

What? I am lost. It doesn't make sense. What does that mean?

When we fall in love with people, or have crushes on people it's not usually the person we're in love with. It's our own alter ego that we project on them. Hard to explain it in my own words...

So it's like "Fight Club?" I did read that artcile. It makes sense. Thank you for sharing. And I agree the best thing you did was tell your stbx not to share the details. It would have imprinted on your memory in very very bad ways.

You are remarkable - your H just needed to do better. And he wasn't even capable of that. Sad really. But you remained a lady.

What do you mean he just "needed to do better." I am confused.

CG, I am so glad to see you back here and glad to see you are moving forward with all your legal stuff. It's astounding to me that your H continues to text you while he's with her. It's ridiculous. What did you say back?

Yes, perhaps he did tell me to relieve the guilt. It hurt me.

[desert_rat]

What does it mean?
I don't know. My theory is that somehow he thinks that if he says nice things, it cancels out his actions.

The other possibility is that he knows he has done wrong, but his ego and pride will never allow him to change his path. Saying those things lets him beat himself up, pay his penance, without actually doing anything.

But....
It doesn't matter! Detach your emotions from his drivel!

[whatisis]

"You'd rather be unhappy in exchange for his happiness?" Really! How be you both take charge of your own happiness.
It's a rollercoaster Sol and the ups and downs can be extreme. Try not to act (meaning no texting!) when you're in the midst of one of those dips because it can only add to your confusion.

[soleil]

Wii, what I meant was if he is happier w/o me then I'd rather go down and let him be happy. Does that make sense?

Yeah honestly I am sure I texted cause I saw him this week in court. I actually have been doing really well with detaching.