Afraid I'm in this for the long haul...

[25yearsmlc]

True, honest DETACHMENT for me meant that I finally envisioned life without h, AND it being actually happy. First it began as me admitting life without h would not be a total nightmare.
THEN...
STEP 1) In fact, I began to see the upside. THere were many positives when I sat down and got REALLY objective about it. My h was not perfect. Some of his flaws, I could do without seeing every day.

I saw a L and (knowledge is power) realized I would not be in the streets penniless if we divorced. Yes life would change and yes I'd have a lower standard of living. I'd have to get a new job and MAYBE downsize the house, down the road, but ALL of that was manageable. So I knew I'd survive. I'd have the kids most of the time. So my worst fears subsided.

Step 2) Then I began to realize that for the first time maybe EVER, we would not have to move for h's career. I could live anywhere I wanted. This was very freeing. When I looked at jobs out of state or out of country, I got excited. I could teach overseas for a year and d13 was up for it. (H noticed some of the paperwork but said nothing).

Step 3) acted as if we'd be friendly enough, but was moving along and going out with new friends. Wore a new perfume that didn't remind me of h or anything from the past. Got a few new outfits that were a different look for me. Began working out more and looking my best.

I BEGAN TO FEEL HAPPIER ABOUT MY LIFE AND IT SHOWED. MY children saw it, and that helped THEM to look at things with a more positive outlook. When life throws us curveballs, we adjust our grip on the bat or our batting stance, perhaps, but we keep swinging.

I truly think when I began real detachment, h feared losing me and to an extent, losing our children. Certainly the family picture was changing and HE was not in the same photos anymore. It is when I changed, that I think h began to. It took months from the time I detached, really, before I noticed h's changes but he was quite obvious and clear when he wanted back in. Daily calls, friendlier, complimentary. ANd he came out and asked for us to be together again. He said "I'm begging you", etc. He said he wanted to be the husband I "deserved" etc. There was no ambiguity.

I know for most couples here that won't happen and I'm fortunate. But I also know that although there are no guarantees about what works, there are a few guarantees about what will blow your chances.

Pursuit and LBSers trying to guilt a WAS into returning, are the 2 biggest mistakes I see made. I did both of them for far too long. Finally I realized that right or wrong, my approach was NOT working.
Piecing is not easy but when that time comes, you can address it. For now, you want to get your h to notice he's losing you and that he needs to do some real thinking about what that means to him. If he decides he wants back in b/c he fears losing you, he'll be clear about it. You naturally fear that if he really reflects on things, he won't choose to return. That could happen no matter what you do. But it will certainly happen if you continue doing what does not work. So far, there has not been much real cost to his choice yet. D3 cries for you, they call you. You "help out' so much he has no idea what being a single dad is like for more than one night of her being sick.

Do not misinterpret that statement to mean you should punish him. My DB coach said "It's not the LBSers job to punish or 'teach WAS a lesson'. Life will give them the consequences if the LBSer gets out of the way."
I just think you've pursued enough. He KNOWS you love him. That won't change b/c you start looking good and a little mysterious and take a class once a week (yes you can get a sitter for ONE night a week for your "new GAL activity or hobby) But please leave him alone when he has D3. The bonding time for them is important no matter what happens AND you interfere with it AND it's pursuit. Enough said.

And don't kid yourself into thinking if you detach he'll give up or think you have. Please. That's a bit of a lie and an excuse for the LBSer to keep pursuing out of desparation to "do something." You have plenty to do! IT's called detach and GAL! THe problem is that SO FAR, you'd rather do what you know than try a new approach. You are overdue for a new approach....

And give it 100 days (yes a hundred) b/c that's a manageable amount of time you can mark off and it's enough time PERHAPS to monitor for changes. Til then, don't read into anything that isn't crystal clear. 100 days is NOT that long but it's incredible how short the time span is for many on this site. Look at the SUCCESS stories of faithfulh, brandnewday, sandi2 and mine. We're talking a lot longer than a few months but I'm just saying give it 100 days of CONSISTENTLY NEW BEHAVIOR on your end, before you monitor at all. Then assess whether you can do another 100 days b/c if you think there's a change at all, or nothing is worse, then keep it going another 100 days. Mind you, though our success stories took a long time by your standards, we were not sitting around waiting and examining each contact, after awhile, we realized we could not put our lives on hold anymore. We detached and began to move on, without giving up...and here we are.
There are great articles on Detachment here on this site. Please read them.

Others may disagree, and I could be wrong, but I'd avoid the fake "ILYs" with the d3 if you can do it without being rude. It's a weird game, it involves her in an odd way. But mainly it strikes me as a way of him making sure you're still waiting for him without him having to choose...at some point, his not choosing, IS a choice. Maybe you can say it in the third person like "D3 loves her daddy" rather than you saying you love him in her voice. Make sense?

One last thing, what do you think your role in all this was? I am not lookiing to blame. I am looking to see what changes would be made if you were to reconcile. You said you both are working on yourselves.

Your h will have to know that m to you in the future, would be better in some ways than it was. (Or why would he choose to return?) IT has to be more than "Oh crap, I'll have the A hanging over my head forever and she's still doing the things I found so painful, so what's the point?" And in fairness, YOU have to know the m would be better on his end too. He'll need to rebuild trust too. But for now, we can only address what you are doing. So, what are YOU doing or working on that would mean marrying you now would be better than before?

Good luck, 99 more days to go.