I'm really to have all these perspectives, from the ladies and husbands of WAWs. Mike... For a minute there I thought you might be my H talking to me through this board, Lol!
Although extremely hard to get my head into it last night (nearly panic attack!) being engrossed in my school activities last night, this morning really helped me. Just tallking to the other Moms, kids, etc. helped alot.
Yes, I had a text waiting last night for me from OM when I left the school. I didn't 't want other parents seeing me hanging out in parking lot on my phone, so I went and parked in my neighborhood, and did text back that I was driving home and read all of your replies. Lol, this forum is starting to take the place of the OM (that's good, right?) in that I am spending more time and energy here, communicating with this support group rather than OM.
Unfortunately, H and kids immersed in their own stuff when I came in. I went and sat by my H in the chair with him, and he went into all the technicality of what he was working on... Not taking the hint that I came and sat next to him for a little affection. Oh well... I'm trying to do this more, although yesterday and the dark night I was so upset that I just isolated in my room.
Being out and involved with school things definitely gave me more perspective and less need "in the light of day".
Last night I immediately took sleeping aid (usually I would stay up late to text OM because he is in an earlier time zone). So when I did wake up and check phone, he had messages about an hour earlier (I slept through it thank God, whereas I'd normally be watching my phone and ready to respond immediately to OM). I did leave him a groggy, innocent (REALLY) text, and also my usual Good morning message today.
Since I was up at the school early, got involved with the excitement of the day's activities and texting instead with other excited Mommies and our D's! That felt so good to have those healthy interactions that I haven't felt the need today to chat with OM.
Now, I know this is going to sound weird, but I have this pathological need to beat OM in one last chess match. I guess it symbolizes me regaining control again -- I have not been able to win a match since this turned from friendship to romance 3 weeks ago. 13 days ago we had a "Draw" match, and he has beaten me 4 or 5 rounds since then! Now, the thing is... I used to always win and it's feeling like a dominance over me, which can be a very sexy thing from what I' ve been reading. I'm wonder if that's part of my problem with H...he doesn't assert himself with me. ironically, neither did OM until about a month ago when he started playing much more aggressively with me?! And beating me... Previously, I could distract him and "steal" his pieces -- and he would tell me outright "Only you can do that"... Hmmm... Just analyzing a bit? Was that a seduction?
Who knew chess could hold so much intrigue? And that's part of the attraction, since I like intelligent men. Don't get me wrong, my H is brilliant but not playful or flirtatious with me. Previously indulgent, but not so much lately... Does he suspect something?
So, I guess I'm just saying mentally the chess is a big part of it. Tension with every move, feeling ravished when he took my Queen. Lately, I've had the conscious need to win, rather than just surrender to him. Do I sound nuts??? Who else would find chess so erotic?
Lately, much more distance in our playing... Tension yes, but not all the comments back and forth in each move. For my part, realizing that the reciprocity had slowed if not stopped. For example, (Eeeech again) I was sharing much more info on myself, You Tube videos, pictures and not getting those in return. Now, I'm sure he doesn't have as much time on his hands (single father of 4!).
Ok... Here's a big bomb. He doesn't know I'm married! Terrible, terrible I know. So, I really do feel I'm cheating on both the OM and mty H. It wasn't a big deal when we were just friends, but now... The last few days I've been dropping hints around the topic, but he hasn't taken the bait to ask more questions.
