Moving Forward

[gutwrenching]

I wish I knew exactly what brought about the feelings again. I have one thing my W told me and some speculation...I will share both.

My W said it was us talking about him that brought back the feelings, but that doesn't quite add up in my brain because we hadn't been talking much about him. She also said something about the month of October being significant...that isn't the word she used, but that was the message. From what I can gather, Oct is when it became really serious and they even started talking about M.

Now what my speculation is that it is due more to the fact that the snake in the grass OM sent her an email. I think that coupled with it being October and just the resentment fading away and her maybe forgetting why she decided on us verses them all together brought it all back...and what I've learned from others that it just doesn't go away that quickly.

There aren't significant financial worries. We are better off than most couples. However, a huge need for my W is financial security. I have always filled that need. It was one thing she was extremely worried about with OM because he simply didn't care about that. So, that always linger. The situation is even more amplified now. We moved into a new house and signed a 3 year lease with a very high rent payment and hired a live in nanny...so there are some financial commitments we have made. This house couldn't be afforded on one salary without significantly dipping into savings which of course would get divided in half if we split...so the problem compounds and makes her even more nervous about the financial side of things.

Work is stressing her out this week, I know that probably isn't helping.

And I am getting tired of being the only one fighting for the connection time that is SO IMPORTANT TO HER. I feel like I am the only one who is trying to schedule/find that quality time. The more she struggles with feelings for OM, the less effort I see from her, and then of course that makes me even more anxious (and angry), and it is a vicious circle.

My anxiety is likely to go thru the roof next week when she is gone. I know for a fact she has seriously considered and is probably still considering contacting OM to try to put these feelings to bed and deal with them. She also knows that I would find that as ultimate disrespect and that I think it would send us down a path of not being able to recover. So that is stressing me out. I honestly haven't had a good nights sleep in probably a week.