Albuquerque living part 2: Road to recovery?

[Albuquerque]

Update,

I guess my stress issues kind of worried H a bit. He texted me several times last night about my stress and then asked me to call him after D had gone to bed. The conversation was very helpful for me.
He explained that he had seen so many changes in me and wanted to make similar changes for himself. But he worried that by moving too fast, he might use me as a crutch for some of his issues and not truly tackle them. I agreed that was a valid concern but also stated that since I am a different person, the R HAS to change. I won't accept things the way they were before. I guess his fear is that if we get too close too quick, it may inhibit his own personal growth. I see his point and told him so, but also don't feel those are mutually exclusive things. He feels that since I needed to be alone in order to change, so does he. I said that my changes were certainly brought on BECAUSE of the situation, but it's VERY possible to change while IN a relationship. It was hard discussing this while trying NOT to seem like I was telling/begging him to come back. I truly believe that he can acheive the growth he desires while working on us, but HE needs to believe that.
He did shed some light on the OW issue. He had been visiting the midwest once a month. He said that he'd cancelled his October visit because of all the turmoil going on and that he just got let them know there wouldn't be a November trip. He really does have valid work reasons for going as well as the OW. So I guess that R is totally on the rocks. He said that he tried to broach the separation subject with OW on Saturday but since he was so screwed up in the head due to Xanax withdrawls and heavy stress, it didn't go well and I guess didn't end up happening. It pleased me greatly though to hear that he's at least making the attempt, albeit a failed one.
I guess with all the weirdness coming from him, it was screwing with my head and making me question a lot of things. In talking with him, none of his thought processes have really changed. It's just going to be VERY difficult for him to break it off with OW because by his own admission, he's a softy and doesn't like to hurt anyone. There will definitely be hurt involved since she was considering him marrying material.
The sex issue came up again. My issue against it was that at the time, he was still indecisive about the OW. Now that he's not, I'm feeling much better about it (but still cautious). We talked until around 1 and then he said goodnight. But then we continued to text until around 2 am, primarily about sex stuff. Not surprisingly, he ended up coming over to the house around 2 and we got it on. I admit I was a bit reticent but since I knew he was moving foward on cutting ties with OW, I ended up saying "screw it". This is my H and as long as I continue to see forward momentum, I don't want this to not be part of our R. He left afterwards so that there wouldn't be weirdness with D in the morning, so that kind of sucked. But despite only having a few hours sleep, I feel really really good today. I'm OK with my decision and have a better understanding of his current thinking.

In talking with him briefly before he left last night, I could see that my sex position was still confusing him. So this morning, I sent a brief email and tried to clarify my thinking (which admittedly is not always grounded in sanity). I told him that my initial issue was having sex with someone who in his mind, had not decided between me and OW. Now that he has, that mental block is lessened significantly and I feel I can move forward. Granted, if two months from now, he's still "trying to break it off" I'll be a lot less OK. So it'll be a daily evaluation I suppose. I realize it cannot and should not be rushed. But I did let him know that it should not surprise him that the OW is my biggest mental obstacle in moving forward with our R.

This whole thing is totally confusing. I'm not really sure what the best approach is in terms of moving the R forward. But I know that step 1 is officially getting rid of the OW once and for all. I will continue to watch and observe for forward progress on that front. As for me, I feel much better having had some things clarified.