Moving Forward

[gutwrenching]

Evolve - reply to you so I stop threadjacking...

Thanks Evolve. Appreciate the thoughts and words. Now just journaling a little:
This stuff is real tough too. Even when the WAS "comes back" there is so much baggage...and just not the same level of commitment or knowledge like those of us that came here and learned all this stuff. Supposedly my W has read the 5LL book (before we started reconciling) and she has never said a word to me about it. You mention melting from those looks...well those looks from me were genuine, my W knew it and loved it, and hours later crying about lingering feelings for OM.

I was attracted to a man that I otherwise would never have been attracted to. He didn't have half the attributes that my H had. He wasn't better looking, he wasn't smarter, he wasn't kinder but he listened and that made me feel important. I knew he wanted me and that made me feel attractive when my self-esteem was at its lowest. I now know that I was using him as a crutch for all of the above reasons.

Wow - that is some awesome insight...think there is a lot of similarities to my W.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Hey Gut,

I amy have my first date with W this weekend. I'm new to the piceing. Is there any posts of threads that stand out that help early on?
thanks gr8

[gutwrenching]

No, not that I can think of. My advice, you need to start to create a second honeymoon...help get through those first few weeks and give you something positive to build upon. Because you will need it. It's not easy over here either.

[gutwrenching]

Ok - after further review...try these:
1) TIps for newcomers to pieceing
2) Stitching together a new quilt (finding my voice)
3) Hope4Us's thread

[gutwrenching]

Journaling and stuggling.

It feels like we at a crossroads. Maybe I just know too much from my WAS that had an EA. It sounds like they all go thru this but maybe don't share. I don't know. I know my W is suddenly having lots of feelngs for OM. A comment that she felt like the novel/movie the Bridges of Madison County.

I sense that I am losing her. It feels like we are really heading downhill fast right now. Its all about her feelings for OM. It feels like I am losing her...and I told W that. She replied that she was very sad that she was making me feel that way and was sorry. Key though, she didn't say I was wrong. I mentioned that. Then I got the same kind of thing that she is trying to deal with all this right now, to let her deal with it.

And a comment about the financial obligations we have ourselves in now that we were piecing, how she couldn’t get her mind around the financial security aspect of things before, there is no way she could get her mind wrapped around it now. Then she said great, now you are thinking if it wasn’t for this house, then I’d be leaving. I admitted that had crossed my mind.

I validated her feelings, that they were hers and I couldn’t change them and that they are important but that I was having trouble understanding how drastically they had changed since Aug.

The anger inside me wants to just how her the financial situation and say here’s how we would do it and give her the get out of the M card that I wonder if she is looking for. Oh, and FMV, no date night tonight. Couldn’t find a sitter for the kids and that almost led to an argument because I was still calling around and W said its too late now, we have to cancel it.
Just to make things a littel more interesting, she has leaves for a week for business trip on Sunday afternoon.

So what now I debate? Do I continue to try to re-ignite the spark and fill her love tanks with her LLs? Do I start to go distant and just give space? Or? Things were going great, right till the point where feelings for OM resurfaced and she keeps telling me she just needs to deal with them

Not having a good day

[FindingMyVoice]

Things were going great, right till the point where feelings for OM resurfaced and she keeps telling me she just needs to deal with them. Not having a good day.

Morning GW, so sorry to hear how anxious things feel for you right now. Can you expand on this statement above... can you think about specifically what was going on right before her feelings for OM resurfaced? Between the two of you...it sounded like the two of you haven't had a lot of time to connect lately? It sounds, too, like there's some significant financial worries? Work? Kids?

[FindingMyVoice]

PS - Don't forget, date night can still happen at home! We do that sometimes when work's been crazy and we're too swacked to go out. Our last date night 'in', my H picked up a bottle of wine, went to the deli and brought home all these little cheeses, fruit, crackers and made a little picnic for us, right in the living room. We left the tv off and just talked and ate. It was great.

[gutwrenching]

I wish I knew exactly what brought about the feelings again. I have one thing my W told me and some speculation...I will share both.

My W said it was us talking about him that brought back the feelings, but that doesn't quite add up in my brain because we hadn't been talking much about him. She also said something about the month of October being significant...that isn't the word she used, but that was the message. From what I can gather, Oct is when it became really serious and they even started talking about M.

Now what my speculation is that it is due more to the fact that the snake in the grass OM sent her an email. I think that coupled with it being October and just the resentment fading away and her maybe forgetting why she decided on us verses them all together brought it all back...and what I've learned from others that it just doesn't go away that quickly.

There aren't significant financial worries. We are better off than most couples. However, a huge need for my W is financial security. I have always filled that need. It was one thing she was extremely worried about with OM because he simply didn't care about that. So, that always linger. The situation is even more amplified now. We moved into a new house and signed a 3 year lease with a very high rent payment and hired a live in nanny...so there are some financial commitments we have made. This house couldn't be afforded on one salary without significantly dipping into savings which of course would get divided in half if we split...so the problem compounds and makes her even more nervous about the financial side of things.

Work is stressing her out this week, I know that probably isn't helping.

And I am getting tired of being the only one fighting for the connection time that is SO IMPORTANT TO HER. I feel like I am the only one who is trying to schedule/find that quality time. The more she struggles with feelings for OM, the less effort I see from her, and then of course that makes me even more anxious (and angry), and it is a vicious circle.

My anxiety is likely to go thru the roof next week when she is gone. I know for a fact she has seriously considered and is probably still considering contacting OM to try to put these feelings to bed and deal with them. She also knows that I would find that as ultimate disrespect and that I think it would send us down a path of not being able to recover. So that is stressing me out. I honestly haven't had a good nights sleep in probably a week.

[gutwrenching]

In regards to date night...
After last night, I decided we both needed some space and found a nice way of achieving that. While I was out she texted me how about we take the kids to this restauarant we all want to try. I replied "sure." To which she said that she was trying to recover from earlier and not be such a butt about things. So that is her solution...family time. In my mind, that is because that is safe. I might be wrong, but that's what I think.

So not really going to be a date night.

Now things could get intersting later. In my prep for date night and thinking this one could be important, I even had already ordered flowers to be delivered to the house. 180 for me. I probably haven't ordered flowers unless in conjunction with a birthday/anniversary in like 15 years...
Not my intent, but there could be some serious guilt that comes about when we get home and she sees them and I put a loving note with them. TBH, at this point I wish I hadn't done that, but it was already ordered and paid for...

[gutwrenching]

Lastly...not sure what to do today. I have not contacted her...not the norm. She has not contacted me...but I know she is busy. Normally by now, I would have at least sent a note seeing how her day was going or something. Not sure if I need to detach a little or go distant a little or??? It seems like the pursuing/effort approach hasn't worked the last few days...so I have debated that one...thoughts on this appreciated also.