Starting again...

[evolve35]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...277#Post2103277

Ok, was told my thread was too long. Time to start anew...

For those following, I have to admit, I am kind of surprised about something...

My H would have gotten my response to his D filing by at least today. I responded thru my L saying that we would answer them after my responsibilities in my training program decreased and after the holidays... after Jan. 1. Plus, he learned who my L is... one of the top in our area which his L knows and will have relayed to him.

And you know what? Not a word from him or his L. Curious as to what that means but trying not to mind read.

[gutwrenching]

Interesting...see how long this lasts. Keep up the good work. Thanks for the advice too!

[evolve35]

I have to admit something. Not been feeling like I want to try to save my M in the past day.

I think this was going to happen at some time in the M no matter what (the A). I am just glad the "bump" that led to this in the M wasn't the stress of kids. I don't know how I would have survived the fight. Hats off to those of you who have.

My H's character is weak even though I don't want to admit it. He can't be alone. He wouldn't survive. If he said he wanted to get back together today, I know nothing would have changed as he has not changed. He has blamed me for his problems for too long. He will always be unhappy, yet one of those people that always has a smile on his face in public. He will be unhappy because he relies on others for his happiness and self-validation.

I am recognizing the feeling of indifference in my toward my H. I don't even allow myself to feel anger toward him, just pity.

[hope for zen]

I have those days too. For now I wait them out and I usually find the strength to keep going. At some point these feelings may not go away. Maybe that is when it is time to move on. I figure no one can do this without feeling overwhelmed at times, so a few off days or even a few weeks is normal.

We get to see a whole new, and not-so-pretty side to the ones we love. We have to look and see if the relationship is "worth it," all without any positive feedback from our spouse. In a way, it seems to me that this is a more honest way to look at your spouse than the rush of romance. You get to see them, warts and all. Then you have to decide if you can or should stay in the R. Some things will never be fixed, but maybe by knowing the dangers that are there, we can find a path to a fully loving R again. Then again, maybe the R holds challenges we cannot or will not accept.

I left my first H because he was emotionally abusive, a compulsive liar, and I saw no hope that he would ever grow or change. In that relationship, I looked at him and at myself. I saw a man who's issues were way more than I caould handle. It was a matter of survival. I have never regretted that decision.

[gutwrenching]

Good stuff there from Hope for zen. And I replied to your advice in my own thread, thanks again...just re-read it and found it enlightening

[evolve35]

Thanks for your advice. I am still feeling indifference. On a positive note, I can really feel my confidence coming through. I really held my head high today during all of my mundane errands (had the day off). I enjoyed being by myself.

I realized today how low my self-esteem had gotten being with my H. I am not saying it was his fault, we were just very emotionally fused. I convinced myself whole-heartedly that I was the lucky one to have him. He allowed and encouraged me to think/feel this way I can see in retrospect. And what I can also see is that I was blind to the fact that it simply wasn't true. If anything, it was the other way around. But really, we both brought a lot to the table. Unfortunately, we didn't know how to deal with the feelings, or sometimes the lack thereof, that come with a long term relationship. I really thought (& so did he) that I was the one that was f**ed up because my life growing up was challenging. In reality, the 'almost' D that his parents had really screwed him and his brothers up. I can see that now with a little distance from the situation. I knew his brother's relationships were nothing to envy. I somehow thought I got the stable one. What a joke!! I idolized his family putting them above my own. I realize that now and am making amends with my family. They deserved so much better from me.

[lostandconfused6]

What you just posted above sounds so similar to what I feel about my relationship, when I am in my more honest and less needy moments. Also, i love your quote, I saw it a couple days ago and haven't gotten it out of my mind.

[FaithnAK]

I thought your post got banned. LOL

Glad to see you just changed your name.

You will continue to feel like you are responsible for the A. You will in time forgive yourself for the Marriage failings that you owned.

I still see you thinking about what he "might" feel or "pity" for him. You really need to understand that owning your part and forgiving yourself is the big step forward here. He is in "Love" land, understand that you are rational and he isn't. The goal is empathy and focusing on your self respect.

Nothing you continue to reflect on benefits you other than "fixing" the part of your responsibility. When the time comes you will realize you don't owe him S***. He stepped out and you didn't, that's the difference.

Keep focusing on you and "Let go" of how he views you and the way you feel.

Trust me, when you actually "Let Go" he will notice you.

[gutwrenching]

Faith gave you some great things to think about today. Awesome stuff there. I'm not really in a place today where I have anything in me to add to it right now, struggling... Will check back in later though.

[evolve35]

You are right Faith. And I think he has noticed since I let go (as much as I have been able to at this point). The last two times he tried to engage me in conversation, and I didn't bite, it hurt him.

The first time I was pleasant and smiled but was distracted and cut it short. The look of pain and confusion on his face, which he quickly hid, did not go unnoticed. The second time was when I put down the boundary of not talking to me about the D at work. That made him a little angry and he tried to take it out on me later in the day.

It has been essentially 2 weeks going on 3 since we have had any conversation. I suppose it doesn't seem very long at all except that he has never been able to go that long without talking to me. He was always the one that called in our relationship and was the constant gardener, especially in the past few years. It is such a weird feeling not hearing from him. It is not happiness or sadness, somewhere in the middle.

Thanks for the post. Sorry to hear you are struggling GW. I hope it gets better soon.