Afraid I'm in this for the long haul...

[25yearsmlc]

Hi HopeZ,

Just wanted to encourage you to pull WAY back now. Pursuit has backfired on you repeatedly. Your "action plan" is SIMPLE. It's not easy, I know. But it is NOT complicated. Stop the pursuit. Just stop it. GAL and be a woman only a fool would leave. What were you like when you dated? Did you chase him even when he said he needed space? Good grief, we know that's not true.

I l

This morning I got a good morning call today at 7:30. D3 sounded happy, and so did H. He told her that she would see me today and that he would see me tomorrow. Also, we seemed to be saying “I love you” over D3’s head again.
Hmmmmm. Is he looking to connect?
Who knows.

No one knows what he feels or thinks. It's a waste of time to mind read. But IF he is looking to reconnect, wouldn't you want something with clarity? Commitment? Proof of his certainty? Would you really really be alright with him sending out ambiguous probes to check to see if you're still waiting IF THAT'S IT AT ALL...b/c it might well be what your h thinks is a gesture of civility to assuage his guilt. HIs tokens of kindness should NOT be construed as more than that or you'll set yourself up for rejection. If he wants back in, he will be sure of it and so will you.

Not sure what he is thinking, so I cannot assume he is ready to come home. I need to keep my expectations low, keep up with basic self-care, and NEVER pursue. It feels like he keeps coming back to circling and watching me to see what I am doing.

Of course you cannot assume he is ready to come home. He'll tell you that. Let me repeat that for emphasis, HE'LL TELL YOU IF HE'S READY TO COME HOME...this is not the guessing game you are making it out to be. Frankly if it were me, I'd plan my life as if my h were NOT coming home. And I'd make the plan with details of how GOOD and happy my life would still be. Yes I know that's terrifying to you. But you KNOW it's possible and you know he's uncertain and you know he's with OW and you know he's pulling back and forth and MAYBE checking on you...so what do you want him to see if he's checking in? You really want him to see you still waiting there, offering up all your needs and pain? As if no other man would find you a great catch?

You have to bring something to the table and you have to recall that
men like the hunt. HIgh school? Sure it is. Welcome to the real world. We all need reminding now and then, that our spouses are good catches. Don't be so dang available and start being a little mysterious.
What 180's are you doing? Can you do them for 100 days? My gut tells me your 180's have not exceeded 3 days. Am I far off? Most of the contacts you have had with your h are pursuit from what I can see. I mean, almost ALL of them.



My checklist for today…

1. Get some sleep – check!
2. Take my B vitamins – check!
3. Eat – check!
4. Stay focused at work – check!
5. Continue working on the finances
6. Take my girl to the library for story time
7. Get some sleep tonight

May I suggest a few other things b/c you clearly have the stated claim to "DO" something, even when it's not advisable.
Per my heroic DB coach, here's what I can pass on:

1) Listen like a lover. That means validate, affirm, and do not pass judgement or express any disapproval. This assumes the discussion is NOT about OW or other R talk. Just work issues, family things, hobbies, SAFE topics that make him feel comfortable discussing SOME things with you and later building on it. ("LATER", not next week)
2) Lose the anger, in front of him. Stay calm at all times in front of him. If you fuel the negatives he used to justify leaving, you'll simply validate his reasons for leaving. That means you have to:

3) Contrast the negatives with Postives. If he says you're always late (and therefore sloppy) be more punctual. If he says you're too punctual b/c you're rigid, than be more flexible. NONE of these changes should be made unless you think they are valid.

3) Applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does. Even if minimal, you need to affirm him. IT's VERY hard to do when they've failed so many other ways. But what does not work is trying to guilt him or asking the "how could you do this" or "Why are you hurting us?" types of questions. Those questions force him to feel defensive. Basically by questioning his choices, you force him to defend the choices.

4) Lose the "parental voice" that guilts him or says "Why? Why?" Etc...That parental voice shuts out his inner voice. He needs time to reflect on his choices and figure out what he really wants.

5) When you are in contact w/h, Remember the GAL activities. Be upbeat, warm, lovable, BUSY with your new life, and moving along. He has to have something to miss to miss you! I thought allowing him in the family home ANYTIME he wants for computer use, was absurd. It's total pursuit and no boundary setting. End the conversatons first, go out with SOME new people. Make plans for something that does not involve him or require him. Show your happiness without him. That matters. It really does. You'll need it if things don't work out AND you'll need it even if he does come back. You'll bring more to the table.

When I took my kids to Italy for our 25th wedding anniversary b/c h was out on his tundra place, it was a wonderful trip. 2 things happened. Most importantly, the kids and I had a great time as a family, without h. It was not impossible. As a military veteran, we know families can have fun with a parent "missing" so we reminded ourselves that we were still intact, still having laughs, and felt great optimism about my future.

The other benefit of the trip was only learned much later. H told me that HE was preoccupied about our trip the whole time, and how HE was not there with us. IOW What HE was missing. We also had very little contact with h while away, which was GREAT FOR ME b/c of the distance and time.THere were no reminders of him. Very stimulating environment too. So are you including your h in EVERY move of the baby? Why not let him miss something..."OH yesterday D3 has her FIRST dance at the preschool and it was SO cute...If you want, maybe I can send you a picture..." Not to hurt him but to give him seomthing to miss. This is not to be punitive. But let him miss out b/c he's gone and he IS missing out.

Remember that the "lose the anger" goal is partly so that your h can imagine returning home without you making him climb a mountain too high or hold his A over his head the rest of his life. That's a big obstacle for many LBSers. Hence the phrase, Keep the Road Home Paved and Smooth....but that's not doormat stuff nor is it cake eating.

So far, my guess is your approach has allowed him to cake eat a lot. It's a tough balance. Good luck. You are in the right place. Glad you ask before you email. Or call....I suggest you keep that up so you avoid the mistakes you'll regret. Every time you pursue you have regroup and restart all over AND you push him farther away. Make sense?