Regardless of why you felt suicidal, you need to get help for that. I hope you are. Explaining it is not solving it. Congitive analysis is not curative in itself, obviously. Death is no solution. Please seek out IC for THAT...and whatever else it leads to in your life, b/c I think it affects more than you realize.
my ic talks to me about this at every session. she did find it odd that i was quite composed during our initial meeting and yet the answers to my questionnaire indicated that i was severely depressed. a depressed person isn't always sad. when i'm depressed, my mind is my worst enemy. i don't necessarily cry. but i don't smile much. regardless, my ic makes sure to check in with me on that at the beginning and end of each session.
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Second, If your h SAYS and or ACTS as if he wants you to stay away from him, I have no idea who would tell you to go talk to him? That's strange advice.
my attny did. when i first met with my l, i told him that i didn't want a d. i wanted to save my marriage. he was okay with it but we had to work out the details of the separation agreement regardless.
my l suggested that i go talk to my h about working out a separation agreement without the lawyers. gauge his response. if he is still hostile, then walk away .. we fight lawyer with lawyer. to my lawyer, this would give me a bit of peace of mind to say i tried.
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He leaves when you enter a gym.
he did for the first two times i showed up. then after that, he was fine. we even played a couple of games together. this was mid summer. around early july, he stopped going to the squash club and hasn't been to the club since. when we did talk at the club, it was normal conversation. nothing unusual. it's weird because the club is the most expensive squash club in the city. membership is not cheap. why waste a club membership like that?
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(Elsewhere in your posts you say he greeted you in the hall of your common building, but you refuse to reply in kind...so I'm confused there. Why you live in the same building, why he'd greet you if he fears you, why you'd refuse to respond if you want a reconciliation...but No Matter! Finding consistency in your posts is just not that important anymore, compared to you getting help for your underlying issues. I don't want to harp and argue on details when energy should be spent on GAL and dealing with underlying issues.)
honestly, i don't have a good explanation for this. i kept thinking of the common db advice here: why would you want to be friends with someone who is kicking you to the curb? i would talk to him in public and be cordial but once we were in the building, i just ignored.
but side note: when we were selling our house, i had to go look for a place to live. i chose to look at a rental unit at this building that i was familiar with. i signed to rent a 1 bdrm unit. apparently, 10 mins after i left, my h went to the same building looking to rent. so that's how we ended up in the same building. he only rented for 6 months because he had a house that was being built. he didn't care - it wasn't for the full year.
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And where the head goes, the heart will follow. When you keep it simple, and know you are not losing a loving healthy man, or seeing the end of a good m, (regardless of who did what) but instead you are gaining freedom from fear and lunacy and a sick R that brought out the worst in both of you. So perhaps your head will lead your heart to the kind of life a healthy person leads.
i don't see this yet. as you said, i have issues that need to be resolved. i am trying to work on those things first. deep down, i want to be the best option out there for anybody (not just my h). i'm doing as much GAL as i can. my ic says that i'm not able to focus .. from our discussions, i'm all over the place. squash has helped me focus because i concentrate on the game, strategy, etc. i walk away with a smile because i had fun. i don't get that same focus when i do other things. not at work, not at home, not even when i took the baking class.
there is still a part of me that wish the m could be saved. just because i don't have kids, it's still a marriage.
