Darker days ahead

[DumpedforMIL]

Regardless of why you felt suicidal, you need to get help for that. I hope you are. Explaining it is not solving it. Congitive analysis is not curative in itself, obviously. Death is no solution. Please seek out IC for THAT...and whatever else it leads to in your life, b/c I think it affects more than you realize.

my ic talks to me about this at every session. she did find it odd that i was quite composed during our initial meeting and yet the answers to my questionnaire indicated that i was severely depressed. a depressed person isn't always sad. when i'm depressed, my mind is my worst enemy. i don't necessarily cry. but i don't smile much. regardless, my ic makes sure to check in with me on that at the beginning and end of each session.

Second, If your h SAYS and or ACTS as if he wants you to stay away from him, I have no idea who would tell you to go talk to him? That's strange advice.

my attny did. when i first met with my l, i told him that i didn't want a d. i wanted to save my marriage. he was okay with it but we had to work out the details of the separation agreement regardless.

my l suggested that i go talk to my h about working out a separation agreement without the lawyers. gauge his response. if he is still hostile, then walk away .. we fight lawyer with lawyer. to my lawyer, this would give me a bit of peace of mind to say i tried.

He leaves when you enter a gym.

he did for the first two times i showed up. then after that, he was fine. we even played a couple of games together. this was mid summer. around early july, he stopped going to the squash club and hasn't been to the club since. when we did talk at the club, it was normal conversation. nothing unusual. it's weird because the club is the most expensive squash club in the city. membership is not cheap. why waste a club membership like that?

(Elsewhere in your posts you say he greeted you in the hall of your common building, but you refuse to reply in kind...so I'm confused there. Why you live in the same building, why he'd greet you if he fears you, why you'd refuse to respond if you want a reconciliation...but No Matter! Finding consistency in your posts is just not that important anymore, compared to you getting help for your underlying issues. I don't want to harp and argue on details when energy should be spent on GAL and dealing with underlying issues.)

honestly, i don't have a good explanation for this. i kept thinking of the common db advice here: why would you want to be friends with someone who is kicking you to the curb?
i would talk to him in public and be cordial but once we were in the building, i just ignored.

but side note: when we were selling our house, i had to go look for a place to live. i chose to look at a rental unit at this building that i was familiar with. i signed to rent a 1 bdrm unit. apparently, 10 mins after i left, my h went to the same building looking to rent. so that's how we ended up in the same building. he only rented for 6 months because he had a house that was being built. he didn't care - it wasn't for the full year.

And where the head goes, the heart will follow. When you keep it simple, and know you are not losing a loving healthy man, or seeing the end of a good m, (regardless of who did what) but instead you are gaining freedom from fear and lunacy and a sick R that brought out the worst in both of you. So perhaps your head will lead your heart to the kind of life a healthy person leads.

i don't see this yet. as you said, i have issues that need to be resolved. i am trying to work on those things first. deep down, i want to be the best option out there for anybody (not just my h). i'm doing as much GAL as i can. my ic says that i'm not able to focus .. from our discussions, i'm all over the place. squash has helped me focus because i concentrate on the game, strategy, etc. i walk away with a smile because i had fun. i don't get that same focus when i do other things. not at work, not at home, not even when i took the baking class.

there is still a part of me that wish the m could be saved. just because i don't have kids, it's still a marriage.

[25yearsmlc]

"Just b/c we don't have kids, it's still a marriage"...

Yeah we know. But you also say you are severely depressed, he'd be willing to have you killed, he avoids you (sometimes you say that and then you shed a new totally different detail, again, that paints a different picture altogether. Like I said, let's keep it simple).

SO back to earth, the m was a m. Yes. You almost always say it's hopeless but now you admit you wanted to save it. But you also say he was willing to have you killed and that he'd get a restraining order if you contact him (The one time thing with the L wasn't advice "to pursue". It was a one time probing attempt at solving property issues, and perhaps more, without L's but I have no idea how you approached your h. But it does not matter now).


What matters now is that you objectively review some of the upsides to getting free of this crazy relationship. I can't make heads or tails of your sitch in some ways b/c it changes often. If I make an assumption based on what YOU say, you'll toss in a new piece that refutes earlier posts. So I will stay focussed only on what I know is crazy or dangerous. And his threats, if that's what they were & as YOU say they are, then they're crazy and dangerous. IT's good to be out of THAT.
That's all I can say for sure.

[DumpedforMIL]

Like I said, let's keep it simple.

ok. i will try this because it will help me focus on what is or isn't important.

You almost always say it's hopeless but now you admit you wanted to save it.

when i started here, i wanted to save it. i didn't think our issues were that difficult to solve. i remember saying "i want to save my marriage. i'm not interested in saving myself from the grips of depression because that is inevitable." the negative talk. as the days went on, i started to see that i needed to GAL, put on a happy face, and find that person he fell in love with. so i started making a list of things i wanted to do. i found something that made me smile and focus. i don't know if that was the best plan. but over the summer, i felt better about myself. i had the occasional meltdown whenever my lawyer contacted me but otherwise, the GAL saved me. the reason why i'd have a meltdown when the lawyer called ..was because in the back of my mind, i was always hoping he would change his mind. and when the lawyer called, it usually meant that there was movement from his side. and so my hopes were crushed.

i think about why i want to save this marriage. it's an exercise in listing of pros and cons.

What matters now is that you objectively review some of the upsides to getting free of this crazy relationship.

if i follow your advice to keep it simple, it might be easier to review the upsides.

thanks 25 .. i feel less defensive.

btw, the next thing i am going to work on with my ic is what's behind the anger. anger is a shield that is hiding the true emotion .. could be shame, fear, or something else. and i definitely know there is shame and fear behind my anger.

[25yearsmlc]

So how's the IC going? Your last post said you'd dig into deeper issues. Anything happening there?

[DumpedforMIL]

finally, i'm back to post an update.

ic is going well. i went into ic to look for a solution or coping strategy for my anger. for months now, i vent whenever i have a private moment. in my car, in my apartment, even in my sleep. i would vent.

i learned that my venting was due to years of allowing my h to cross my boundaries. when you allow someone to cross your boundaries, you essentially say .. you don't matter but the other person does. eventually, this eroded my self-esteem .. which leads to the suicidal tendencies because i'm not worthy.

now that i have a better understanding of why i vent, i'm less stressed. less angry .. and even the venting has lessened to a degree. i am aware when i do vent and i listen to what i'm saying. what am i complaining about today? and it brings me back to the times when i let him cross my boundaries without consequences.

many times, i would ask myself .. do i want to start a fight over this? i would say no because it's such a small issue. but little did i know, that there were a lot of small issues that i let go. by letting things go, i allowed my stbxh to cross my boundary.

my venting is just my way of saying .. hey, i matter. but i'm frustrated because he isn't there to hear me say that i matter.

my stbxh also doesn't believe i matter because he has stated quite clearly that he deserves everything from our house and i deserve nothing. mainly due to his belief that he paid for everything and i paid for nothing. in other words, even he felt i didn't matter.

it hurts because i let my actions speak for themselves. i don't ask for praise or recognition. i let my work speak for itself. and for years, my work went unrecognized. it still isn't being recognized.

i won't be posting here as often .. i want to heal and prepare myself for being served.

i am moving forward on my own. i have done a list of things for myself this year that i never would have had the opportunity to do if i wasn't free from my marriage.

i tried to rediscover who i was pre-marriage and i think i'm a better version of the pre-marriage me. i'm wiser. i've experienced different things .. learned new skills .. and read more books. i think i'm better than i was before marriage.

D4MIL