Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[awest1217]

It is so hard because H really doesn't understand S. I am in the same boat, although my H is starting to try to be a good dad. Your H has never lived with S so he doesn't understand what it is like to have a kid. He doesn't understand the responsibilities. Not that you can't go out once in a while, but if you lived on your own, you wouldn't be able to just drop S off at your parents and then pick him up later because that would wake S up.

Also thinking about you. His job is at night and yours during the day. Even with the best marriages, that puts a huge strain because you rarely get to see each other.

All very hard stuff and I am sure you are even more concerned because the end of the year is coming quickly, not that we stick to deadlines here, but I am sure that is weighing on your mind.

I feel for you and hope for the best.

[Lucky11too]

It was another busy week. Still a lot of things going on in my mind. Like you mentioned, there are so many obstacles. They were all just reinforced this weekend. I hadn't seen H all week - our schedules just didn't work out. On thurs night, although, he was actually not working for once, I had already made plans for S and I to have dinner with one of my g/f's. Luckily that didn't send H overboard like with what happened with the neighbors (obviously in a somewhat better mindset for now). Friday night comes and he invites me again to come over to the new place, but I already had plans again to hang out with another girlfirend (actually, H's cousin, but she's my friend and closer to me anyways). We hadn't decided what we wanted to do so I suggested H's place and we went over there for about an hour. The place was cool and super packed, but H made the time to come & give us the tour of all the new things he had done and sat & chatted for a bit. One ackward thing happened, a group of H's highschool friends that are girls (including his gf from highschool) came in. I know he kept in touch with her occasionally (i'm guessing he told her or them about the place & invited them). I know that they were bf/gf a looonnnnggg time ago, but I still don't like it. I don't think anyone is really ever comfortable when their signicant other sees a past bf or gf. But on the otherhand, I can't be too judgemental, b/c I still see my highschool bf at church (he's the son of my parent's best friends), but the only difference is that I know where my brain is at! But anyways, they came in, said hi to H, but when they couldn't find a table, so they ended up leaving. I didn't say anything about it to H, but my friend (H's cousin commented on it). One other interesting thing, his cousin asked H if he was going to move back down here (our old house that is being rented out is just down the street from the new place). He said "no way!" b/c he doesn't want his uncles to be able to call him in to the new place at all times. I didn't respond to that, but this carried over to a conversation we had on saturday. In good news though, the servers there seem to be alot older, so it's not as threatning. The old place was filled with young blond pretty girls with no reservations or values. Blah!

So on Saturday, H texted early (around 7) just as S was getting up, that he had accidentally taken the work key home, so he was coming back to the area and if he could come over after he dropped it off (well mainly to sleep, since morning is his nightime). He came over and saw S for 20 mins then went to sleep. Unfortuantely it was a long day for me b/c S was sick (& crabby) again! The previous night had been a long one too b/c I had gone to bed late-ish & then S woke up in the middle of the night. Finally, S goes down for his nap so I go to join H to take a little nap myself, but when I go in there, H is ready to get up. I weighed the options, & decided to sacrifice my own sleep so we could have some time together. We had one interesting conversation (frustating to me tho!). I asked him about his apartment lease since it is up next week. I had to pull it out of him a little, but basically, he hasn't signed it yet, but that it's going to be a 6 month extension, but in his words "oh but you know, that time will fly by in no time". Going back to his words about never moving back into our home, I brought up asking if he knew his father was thinking about refinancing our house to lower the payments (we are all co-owners on it) b/c we needed to figure out what he are going to do with us. It makes no since to refinance the house if we need to sell it, assuming we are going to continue with us and need to relocate somewhere else (I took the positive road taking the argument of us working out, but the same result of selling it would be needed if we are going to D too). His only response was a non response avoiding technique by bascially freaking out that I was causing his back to tense up & spasm. OMG, he can't avoid this forever! I just don't know what's going on in his mind! Maybe he has no intension of resolving us and will let it go on for as long as I let it. But on the otherhand, he's not doing long term leases either. Uggg. Exhasberating! Just make a decision! I'm guessing it's going to come down to me making an ultimatum, but I feel like that's forcing him as compared to him wanting to be with me. The latter his heart is in it, the first is just, well, an ultimatum. Well, even though H didn't respond, at least he knows where I am at and that I'm focusing on a resolution to us.

And all that being said, H was around all Saturday, but still never really spent good time with him. S woke up from his nap, but then H was on the computer. It's so sad. It's his S, but he really doesn't know what to do with him and how to just let go and be a dad.

I think I scared off H a bit with my comments, but it had to be said. I texted him last night to see how work was going , but he wasn't really as talkative with his responses, so I'm just backing off a bit. I'll just do my own thing (which I have been doing!) and I'll let H initiate again. Grr, it's always so hard to know what to do. I just don't know how much to push. "Us" needs to be discussed, but I don't know to make him open up more and not freak out!

[awest1217]

It is definitely a fine line. You don't want to push him, but at the same time you feel like H enjoys where you are at right now and you may never move forward. If you weren't married and didn't have a kid, you would probably say sorry H, but we are through because I want more and you aren't willing or possibly even able to give it to me. You two would go your separate ways, and over time have different relationships with different people.

Of course, this can't happen with being M and having S. Because you will be in each other's lives for forever, it is hard to figure out what to do. I do believe that H likes what he has right now. He has a family, but none of the responsibility including monetarily.

I would say stay strong and keep doing your own thing. Do what you feel is best for you and S, and pray. I can't tell you how many times I have wondered or still second guess my decision to file, but then I find out something else and I remember that I am doing the right thing and am doing what is best for me and S.

I hope this week is less crazy and that you get to enjoy Halloween with your little one. What is he going to be this year? S won't get to really dress up because we will be driving during trick-or-treating, but I am bringing his costume to TN (Luigi).

[Lucky11too]

We had a fun Halloween weekend. S dressed up as a little sailor boy and I was a sailor mom. We were quite the team! We even won our church costume contest! So on Saturday night we went to his school’s Halloween festival and on Sunday we went to our church Halloween festival and then over to the inlaws for the family party and trick or treating. So super busy but a lot of fun. S finally understands the idea of trick or treating, so had a blast! He kept asking for candy. I gave him some, but tried not to overdo it. This was his first experience was candy, so he is definitely a fan now. (but as they say, you don’t have to train a kid to like sugar).

Things with H have been about the same. (but I can’t totally complain b/c at least they are not back sliding again) We were talking about doing something together on Thursday night, but we both got really sick last week (I think we got the same thing from S who was sick last weekend), and my throat was so sore & swollen that I could hardly swallow. He still wanted to see me, so since we were feeling a little better, he came over on Friday night and stayed over so he could see S in the morning before work. He pretty much worked the whole weekend with all the Halloween crowds. He has continued to invite me and include me in on things. On Thursday, he wanted my opinion on paint colors for the new place, so I went over there and helped on that. On Saturday, he asked if S and I would come over to the new place, so he could show S all the new lights he put up (dance floor lights). It was before people got there, so S had fun playing and running around the dance floor. Then I guess last night for Halloween, H went to his parents to see us before he worked, but for some reason he didn’t tell me, so I was at the church festival and completely missed him. It was too bad that he didn’t even get to see S in his costume tho. =/

For me, I’ve just had tons on my mind. Our two years of separation anniversary is coming up in 2 weeks (and a year ago when H went with OW2 to Vegas), so obviously that is all starting to weigh heavily. I’ve been having very conflicting feelings. On one hand, I think about how far we’ve come, but wonder how we can get across the finish line. He has met all of my goals (asking about me; initiating outings with just me, and initiating outings with S and I) and has continued to pursue an R with me, so I don’t know where my goals can go from here besides the final, going to counseling and getting back together. I worry too about finding the right marriage counselor. The right one can save your marriage but the wrong one can destroy it. I’ve read Michele’s article on that, but you still never know for sure who you are getting (and unfortunately, DB coaches are not an option b/c H is not a phone guy…hmm, maybe they can start text coach. Haha, j/k). So, I just don’t know what technique to use to get him to the next step. And I know too that I want him to choose me not choose just not to loose me. (meaning him feeling like yes, I want to do want it takes to make this M work w/ you, not, ok, you’re giving me the ultimatum, so I’ll do just enough not too lose you. The first has long term potential b/c he would see the value in us, while the 2nd is just barely maintaining.) This is the part of my brain though that is thinking about the future. The other half is still stuck in the past. I’ve been thinking about the OW’s and how I still feel unresolved with OW3. I believe she is out of the picture, but I don’t know that for 100%. H did not handle that well by avoiding it and has left me with unsettled feelings still. Because H came clean about OW1 and OW2, I was able to process the feelings, understand the reasons for the EAs (and therefore hopefully avoid them in the future), and forgive. I still don’t understand anything about OW3, especially at a time when I thought H and I were really bonding after his surgery. The holiday’s are approaching fast as well and I just don’t want to go thru the facade again. Are we going to be a real family or not?! So, I definitely see a lot of potential in us still, but the amount of work left is still daunting. Even if he finally chooses us, the amount of issues to deal with thru counseling seem huge (especially for me as I feel like a lot of my emotions have had to be pushed aside, since the focus has been getting H “better”). So I don’t know, just tons going on in my mind. There’s been so much that I can even remember it all now, but you get the idea. I think it’s been setting in more too b/c S has started saying sentences this week (so cute!) and it’s just one more thing H is missing. I know it’s not my problem what he is missing, but it’s still sad.

Well, this looks to be another busy week. Monthly report prep starts this week at work!

[awest1217]

I completely understand, and it all comes down to you. To H, he may feel that you are a family, but you don't because you have two different definitions of a family. It really comes down to what you want to wait on. You have definitely made tons of progress and I don't recommend throwing that away, but at the same time, you can't stay where you are forever. TO think about the future and wondering how you can get over the last step, just remember last year you never thought H would go to counseling, get the surgery, initiate anything with you, and not have his own place. All of those things have happened so who knows what will still change.

Hang in there and do what is best for you. Make sure he knows you still want to move forward and maybe at some point carefully tip-toe around marriage counseling and see if he is willing. Maybe as if his therapist does marriage counselling or will suggest a good one. Maybe if he chooses the counselor and feels some control it would be better?

Just brainstorming...hope the week goes well.

[Lucky11too]

An eventful week actually! H has continued to keep me involved in his life. He's still working on the paint colors for the new place and invited me over on Monday night while he was working for my opinion. I had turned him down the last couple of times he had invited me to visit him at work, so even though I was tired, I thought I should make the effort. I'm glad he values my opinion and I think we got the colors worked out now! On Wednesday, I get a text from H that he's dying his hair gray. At first I thought he was joking, but no, he was completely serious! He wanted to go for a more distinguished look (although, to me it sounds like a midlife crisis type thing to do! haha). It's a little shocking at first (he used to have black hair, so it's quite a change), but it's actually not that bad and kind of grows on you. On thursday night, he invited S and I to have dinner at the place (he wasn't working, but just wanted to eat there), but I think it's good that he likes to have me around the new place (unlike before when he tried to keep me out of his work life/friends completely). After dinner, we came back to my house and hung out for awhile.

On friday though, something super scary happy. Of course this is the one day I forget my phone at home, but I guess H was home that morning and started having major heart palpatiations. Then a little bit later he started getting dizzy and his feet went numb. He finally ended up calling 911 and they sent an ambulence over and took him to the hospital right away. After lots of testing, them couldn't find anything wrong, so are attributing to stress and high blood pressure (he doesn't normally have high blood pressure, but for some reason it shot up that morning). I know talking to H the night before, he was super stressed. We get there for dinner and his uncle is sitting at the bar totally drunk. Part of the agreement of getting the place is that they were not suppose to be drinking at their bar, but the only one who can enforce it (H's dad), is not doing anything about it. H is so frustrated b/c his dad doens't care and his uncles are impeding his potential for success there. I'm really impressed with H tho. He's completely stepped up and really doing at great job. Another part of H's stress is related to his dad. Part of his goals with his therapist was to establish a R with his dad. H has completely giving up saying it's hopeless b/c his dad doesn't even like him (yeah, after what he did to me, things kind of deteriorated between them, but still). To make matters worse, that same night before, H found out that his dad was going on a trip with his business partner to see a baseball game, and his partner was bringing his son, but H's dad didn't even invited him. H was really hurt and that only fueled his anger more against him. The only good thing, is that after the heart issues linked to stress on Friday, H mentioned again about going back to the original dr to get help for his anger issues (& ADD). He keeps talking about it so hopefully this will be the straw that pushed him to do it.

The only hard part is now I feel a little weary about pushing the "us" issue too. (Or maybe he's already thinking about us (but blaming it on the new place only) which is adding over extreme stress level.) Since things have gone positive over all for us, I'm tring to just go with the flow and see what happens. I need to get on my research about MC's tho, in case the opportunity comes up!

[awest1217]

It really sounds like you and H are doing well, and getting the new place is what he needed to grow up a little. Even wanting to look more mature. Lol I don't know what to think about the hair, but at least he is trying. It is really slow, but the is some improvement and if you really look at the last year, it is awesome. Be patient and yet be aware. Definitely do your research on MC and even try out the ones you like so when the time comes, you are ready.

[Lucky11too]

Interesting weekend. H didn't have to close on Saturday night so he wanted to come over after his shift (around 11pm). At first I was fine with it but then I started not feeling too good. I was going to tell him not to come, but then he was already on his way. It worked out tho. We had some really interesting conversation. I can't even remember it all exactly, but a few things I do remember. 1) H saying something about how it was weird that we have a lot of the same ideas (about business, kids, etc). Mostly true. Although I think H's ideas are more in theory than in practice. 2) H commenting how he still really doesn't have any guy friends & how he can't stand to be around people who are cheaters. (ie, he was telling me this story on how he went to this b-day dinner for a friend and that's guy's g/f was making googly eyes at that guys best friend! Another story about a server's H who would come in to the new place & flirt with the other servers! How uncomfortable!) 3) Then something about him just being blunt & honest, b/c when you lie, it's too hard to keep your story straight. (true, so where was this philosophy with OW1, OW2, & OW3?) 4) We talked a lot about his parents & their affect on him (them not having a good R). 5) Talking about his issues & the fact that he needs to follow up with the scan Dr. I'm sure I'm not writing it as good or even including everything, but it was all just really interesting talk. I didn't want to go to sleep (despite not feeling good) b/c I didn't want the conversation to stop. I feel like the new place has forced him to grow up and mature and even his talk seems more sensible, but on the other hand, i still have to take it all with a grain of salt. For starters, is this just one of his "temporary" moods, or is it real change? Also, although it all sounded genuine, is it?

So all that was good. The next morning (Sunday), S and I went to church and H stayed home and slept. I don't know how we are going to overcome the religion issue. It's hard for me to make an argument in order to make him get up with the hours he works tho. Before I left tho, I had a painful reminder. That morning when he checked his phone, he had a text one of the servers around closing time the previous night. It said "Call me. It's really important". Now realistically, with his idiotic uncles closing the place that night, there was prob an issue with them (they were drunk or something), but it just brought up feelings in me that I still really don't trust H and I definitely don't trust any of the servers. This particular girl, I met briefly the other day and she is the head bartender, does scheduling, etc. She seemed nice, but a little on the thick side (chubby). I only mention this b/c in general, H is very visual and has commented before how he could never date a fat chick. (however, I now don't just assume looks as a rule out b/c that is what got me with OW2 - she was kind of a homely looking girl, so I automatically excluded her from OW material. My mistake!) So I'm sure that text was just what it was - the head bartender needing help from H to deal with his idiotic uncles (+ b/c he told he about it too), but still, like I said, it brought up a lot of bad feeings in me and reminded me that their are still alot of issues to overcome. If we move forward, somehow, I'm going to have to learn to trust him again.

One last note, as the anniversary of H taking OW2 to Vegas comes up here, I've been fighting off some reminent of hurt feelings. But I've also been able to find the positive in it. I'm coming to believe that whatever happened that trip became a turning point that got H to get help (guilt or whatever). I remember when we met up for lunch the day after he got back (unknown to me at that point), that there was a weird sad look in his eyes. It was then that I first brought up me scheduling the scan for him & he agreed! I remember the excitedment I felt! I don't think that if he hadn't gotten to that low & realized how far he had fallen that he actually went out like that with OW2,that he would have agreed. Sometimes you just have to hit rock bottom & maybe I have OW2 to thank for that. Maybe just maybe everything happens for a reason. I just hope to find some more hope and just find a way to save my family!

[Lucky11too]

I need to vent so I don’t burst. H has been very stressed about his uncles being idiots at the new place. He didn’t say what happened exactly, but he texted last night to say how frustrated he was with them. Around 2:30 this morning, I get a text from H saying he went out drinking last night to let some off the steam off & drank too much & his friend had to drive him home (luckily for him, his friend drove him home as there ended up being a checkpoint to catch drunk drivers). When he woke up this morning, he said he still felt drunk. I didn’t get on him about the drinking b/c I know we all have our setbacks, so I just told him I understood how stressed he was & why doesn’t he come down for lunch today to talk about it. He was agreeable at first but then changed his mind and said that he was stressed out enough that he is ready to get his sleeve (full arm tattoo) done and was going to go over to the tattoo shop instead. Can you imagine – a full arm tattoo – is he crazy!? Honestly, I know it’s just skin deep, but I don’t know if I could be with a man with full tattoos like that. It’s disgusting! At least with his current tattoos, with his shirt on, you can’t even tell. This is just making me want to D him right now! But it’s more than that. 1) I’m upset that he went to a tattoo shop instead of spending that time with me (at lunch) or even going to go visit S. He saw him for about 1 ½ hours on Saturday and that’s been it. 2) Even more so, it’s about the money. I commented how he doesn’t have the money for it (ie, he took the job at the new place for half the pay & his dad is even helping to pay his rent) which he responds that he has more than enough money to cover it with the money he saved to fix up his truck (with unnecessarily fancy rims/tires). He can’t even help me pay for OUR son, yet he has extra money to get a tattoo now!!! At that point, I shut down. I was fuming and didn’t want to say something I would regret. It doesn’t matter what I say, he’s not going to pay any money to me and that’s not going to change without legal action. If things don’t get resolved soon, it’s going to come to that & he’s in for a rude awakening. I’m just really upset right now on so many levels and also disappointed too that he’s slipped back to using alcohol and tattoos to deal with his problems. Why can’t he see this!? Well, there goes our “up” time. Yes, I could have avoided a “down” by being supportive of his tattoo, but I can’t fake it this time and this is just ridiculous. I’m angry and he knows it, and his automatic reaction to my anger is to be angry right back (even if he has no reason to be). It’s so frustrating! Arrrgggg!

[Lucky11too]

Maybe I was a little harsh earlier. This is journey for him, so setbacks must be expected. Not that what happened was ok, but I just need to encourage him to keep moving forward again and not get stuck there. FIL said H was over playing with S for a few hours, so that is good (I don't know if he did not end up going to the tattoo shop or just went to see S after going there). Tonight, he's been texting as if everything is normal (I've been pretty short back with my responses b/c I've been angry all day). It's hard to find a happy medium of letting him know that I don't think that what he did was ok, but also be nice enough to keep the R progress going. Ug.