Sandi's Place

[sandi2]

Hi Mike, I'll try to answer your questions as best that I can.

How did you view your love for your husband before, during, and after your EA?

My H and I had not been intimate for years. We had become that couple I said we never would be... We wouldn't fight but we would say things that sounded pretty cross & grouchy. The kids began to notice it b/c we didn't do that before. I thought we were like an old pair of houseshoes.....comfortable and too old to change. We were steadily drifting apart. There were many things (family stuff) that put so much stress on us and right before my EA, we had our D and her son staying with us. I felt like I had to escape some way or lose my mind. That's when I started playing online games.

You have to try to understand that once a woman gets into this stage of fantasy with OM......that's really all she thinks about. She might go through the motions of a day, but she's thinking about the next time she can contact OM. Sadly, I didn't have much thought about my love for my H. If anything, I felt like I was empty. I have said it before, that I felt so dead that when OM begin to say things that caused me to feel again....I was excited about that.

When my H confronted me about the EA and all the bad stuff came to a blow....my feelings for him was anything but loving. I saw a stranger in him, and he certainly saw one in me. Neither of us liked what we saw. I did not think there was much hope in ever feeling good about him again. I didn't even want the people on the board to tell me that the loving feelings would return!

Did you really ever stop being in love with him? Or was your love for him always there but covered up deep down...masked by your feelings for the OM and/or long standing issues within your marriage?

Well, I did not feel like I was in love with him. My emotioanl & intimate needs had been neglected for a very long time (as did his). Before, during and after the EA, I was very depressed and on medicine that made me feel like a zombie. Put that with a bad M and it's not a good situation. I really looked at my H as if it were a love you'd have for a relative, but I did not feel one ounce of sexual attraction for him. One reason was I had lost some respect for him and that plays on a woman's attraction factor. We had had long standing issues in our M and I knew those issues would never be resolved. B/c most of it were things that happened in the past and nothing could change that. A lot of wear and tear on us. Yes, I loved him ...like I didn't want to hurt him b/c he was a good man.....but I was not attracted to him. That part would not come until I broke off with OM and made a decision to either do something about my MR or just sit here miserable until I died. It took a long time for me to get to the place where I began to feel like my old self again. Thank God,my H is a very patient man.

Did you ever think/believe that the love you once had for your husband was impossible to regain?

Yes. When I was in so deep and allowing the fog to over-take me. But, here's the thing I want to point out....it was more of a rebellion with me. I didn't "want" to feel in love with him b/c I was in that messed up mind that a WAW in an A has. I felt anger toward him and the more he tried to pursue me...the more anger I felt.

You may be refering to after I dropped OM and if I thought I'd ever be able to love H again......I felt so hopeless and tired. I was very, very tired and sick. I had a lot of physical junk that was attacking my body on top of all the M problems. It's kind of hard now to look back and remember exactly what I thought about. I know that sounds crazy but I want to answer your questions as honestly as I can. I was so depressed that I had to take a day at a time. I had to deal with trying to forgive myself, etc. I think I would have to say that I didn't think I would love my H like I had when we were younger.

What things helped get you to the point of being willing to work on your marriage?

My H backed off and did not put any pressure on me. He was sooooo patient. I could sense my H's support and I saw him trying without over-kill. That must be hard for the LBH, but he did it very well. He is not a big man on action....so I guess it fit his style (lol). Mostly, it took time for me to get myself together. When I finally found the right anti-depression meds, that helped me so much. I stopped feeling like a zombie. Shortly afterwards, I was put on thyroid and hormone replacement meds. That helped put some "want to" in my blood. People just don't realize how it affects a person when those natural things are not being produced in the body! That's why I usually tell the W or even the H to get a good check up and see if any of this is lacking.

After deciding to work on your marriage, what type of things were necessary to rekindle the love you once had for your husband?

Again, something might have been different for another couple, but for me....just getting back to "normal" was what I needed. Being around family, going to church, etc. I had stopped doing any of those things. I had withdrawn from everyone. At first, it was very uncomfortable for me, but my H acted like nothing ever happened, so that was a blessing.

From your perspective, can you comment on feeling before doing, vs. doing before feeling? Is that something you struggled with?

If I'm understanding your question....I would have to say that I had to make decisions to "do" based on knowing it was the right thing....even if I didn't have the feelings at the time. Michele is correct when she says that the feelings will follow what we do. That's hard for a WAW b/c everything has been about "feelings" for her. Yes, I struggled with it a lot.

Once it was all said-and-done, how do you compare your marriage now, to the marriage you had before everything started?

I'm not sure just how to answer that. I would say that something very special has been lost b/c of what I did. There may always be that "spot" that won't go away. Like right now....I can hardly see to type b/c of the tears. The most valuable thing we had in our MR was trust....and I broke that. So, in spite of all that has been accomplished in the R, I can't say it is quite like it use to be. But, I look at it the way I felt when I lost my father. When he died, it took away something from my life and I know won't ever be the same again. But, I can work to make the most of life or I can waste it away in sorrow. That's how it is in my M.

If all the right steps are taken (time/effort) by both husband and wife, do you feel like they have a pretty good chance at reconciling and achieving a loving marriage again?

OH YES! A thousand times yes, Mike. I am so grateful that I had a chance to keep my M. I was given an opportunity to love again....and to be loved. I may not have answered any of your questions very well, but this last one.....I want you to know that it is so worth working to have that MR again.

My best wishes to you, Mike.