Sandi's Place

[FindingMyVoice]

How did you break the addiction?
I need to do this before in can really reach out to H.
Should I tell H?

Ok. Let's see. I'm going to get pretty specific here so please bear with me. I'm still pretty embarrassed about the whole thing. I think the main thing that helped me break away from it has been counseling.

The main thing my IC told me to do was really look at the attraction objectively. She asked me to think about and journal the specific things I'd be fantasizing about, when I thought about him. Once I knew what those were, she felt I'd see what I was needing to feel loved, that I was missing in my marriage.

So, for example, I found that it mainly was fantasies about us talking, about connecting about things we both had in common; I'd also imagine he and I finally admitting 'our' feelings for one another... how that would feel knowing a man would openly express his passion and devotion for me. And of course, then there was the physical stuff I'd fantasize about... the passionate kisses and all the other uh... 'stuff' etc, etc. Yeek. Ok.

So basically it was a focus shift. Rather than using my time to dwell on the other man, I had to begin really analyzing my intentions, my needs of the M, and then putting the time into asking my H for what I needed, and intiating the same when it was mine to initiate, and learning to connect and communicate with him. It sounds simple when I write it, but it took a long time. I've gone through about 10 journals and it's taken about 10 - 11 months to come to a point where I can say the attraction is pretty much over.

On the topic of do you tell or not, here's what I came to. My IC told me that if I felt it necessary, to get across how seriously I was contemplating leaving the M, I could tell him that I'd begun "noticing" other men. I never could bring myself to tell him this though. I don't think I ever will, because as I've progressed through counseling I've come to understand that attractions to other people are something that can and do often happen in Ms. It's learning from those attractions though, and using the awareness of them to make your M a better one, that is the important thing.

So, throughout this year, as I've been learning what I need and how to ask for what I need, yes, I've still had stretches of time where those feelings for the other man come back. I still have gotten lost in that but each time it gets shorter lived, and I could tell my feelings were shifting for him, as my M improved and my H and I grew in our capacity to communicate and connect. The times I found myself fantasizing about the other man, I knew my H and I had been disconnecting. So, I'd again shift my attention away from the OM and towards the work our marriage needed: our weekly dates, quiet physical time, time to talk and open up, and get our connection back. And each time, slowly the fantasies would fade away. These days I find myself wondering what the heck I saw in the other guy anyways. My H has made such efforts that the other guy just pales in comparison.

So, I guess when I see you saying that you need to break your addiction BEFORE you reach out to your H, I'd have to say that I don't think you'll really feel it dissipating UNTIL you begin reaching out to your H. Although yes, of course, you definitely need to stop communicating with the OM. That's definitely the thing my IC told me right off the bat... stay AWAY from the OM; no talk; no nothing.

Still though, you and your H reaching out to one another will be the very thing that enables you to leave those feelings far behind in the end. I know it's not likely what you wanted to hear, but oh, Time2, if you decide to do the work... oh, it's so worth it. My H and I have found a connection that we never even had when we first got together 18 years ago. Granted, it's not poetry, roses and sunshine every day. But what he does give me, wow. It's really, really good. So, in some ways I guess I thank heaven for that attraction to the other man. It woke me up and I'm getting more love, and feeling more loved, than I ever could have imagined I deserved in my life.

I'm sorry... I really did write a book here didn't I. I do hope you can find some useful information out of it.

PS - I also read, read, and read some more. The first most helpful book I read to understand how our distant marriage was affecting me, was 'Hold Me Tight' by Sue Johnson. The premise this book is based on is Attachment Theory, and it was very on-point in understanding what had happened in our M. If you're interested in reading, I'd highly recommend it! Anyways, take care, I'm happy to share anything else I can. Just ask.