Just FYI: I am 43 He is 33 We've been married 7 years No children. He hasn't wanted to pursue any heroic efforts although in vitro fertilization would have been an option.
Thank you. I know I need to do it for me. I didn't know that at first. At first it was a tactic, part of a greater strategy. In short order I understood how it positively affects me. That's a no lose situation.
I believe for my marriage to work, he will want to work on it. Jolly- at the end of the day, this is true, but it is nowhere near the first step. Don't look for this first. It comes after a lot of other things in between.
He will need to see where he has been selfish or immature. Is this really necessary.....a lot of people are able to heal their marriages without this piece. And sometimes it comes without a big grandiose expression. Isn't what you REALLY want more love and care?
Either way, if this came .... it may be way after a good deal of the relationship healing, it may not come first. It SHOULD be that way, but it doesn't always work that way. What are some other possibilities you could accept?
I really don't think he is capable of this. That makes me sad, as I think he really is a decent person. Just a little selfish. I think when he grows up, he'll be wonderful.
So you can really gain a lot of positives, a lot of love, without having it follow a certain script, right?
My plan right now is to keep working on me. I can't really affect anything else.
This is a great plan. But watch....by working on yourself...you WILL affect your relationship with your husband!
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Oh boy, THAT is why I am here. I always think I am so smart, so logical. This place will obviously challenge some of my ideas. Thank you so much sgctxok!!!
Thank you for pointing out that him wanting to work on it is not the first step. That goes against what I thought to be conventional wisdom, but I do see that it is true.
I do want love and care. I can deal with anything if I feel loved and respected. For now I will accept being "considered"!!
Again, thank you so much. My head is swirling right now. I actually think that my newfound "calmness" is more of a defense mechanism than a choice. I think I would have gone insane had I not backed down a bit. I hope that makes sense!
This is my own personal biggest struggle. And it was Michele herself who told me early on in this relationship that I wasn't going to change who "the Coach" is on a basic level (my guy...not a DB coach and not 'Coach' on this board....just my nickname for him because he coaches sports). But I learn (and it's an ongoing lesson these 9 years)....that what we have is so much more important than my preplanned scripts.
If you're like me.....this will not be a once-and-done lesson.
But...you'll learn it. (btw--it does get easier)
sg
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
We are headed into a long weekend. My husband will come home tomorrow morning (Thursday). For those of you following along, we only see each other on weekends. He lives at school during the week and we speak usualy once per day.
So for 2 weeks I've been GAL. I feel better about myself and wish I would have known to do this years ago.
Here's my question. Since my husband has blatantly looked me in the ey and told me he wasn't sure if he loved me the right way to be married, I have become very uncomfortable around him. I have an amazing, loving family and tons of great friends. I have always felt unconditional love. I feel physically ill around my husband. Not because I don't love him, but because he may not love me. I try to follow the guidelines and stay positive, but it makes my soul hurt to be something on the outside that I am not on the inside. He can pick up on my most subtle "fake" smile. I feel so insecure around him and feel like I am constantly being judged as to whether or not I am good enough.
I know why I need to do this, but I don't know if I can. Any words of advice would be appreciated.
Oh, and to those that left, I don't know you, but I wish you would come back. We need you!
Today I woke up a little mad. This is new for me, I go directly to sad, I've always been this way. I always focus on what I could have done better in all aspects of my life.
Today I woke up and thought "if you don't love me, too bad." No one in my life has ever lied to me like my husband has or violated my trust. Why have I been putting up with this from the man who married me.
This may be just a phase, but it feels okay right now.
Hi, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Your second post really explains the pain you both have been thru. It can make you stronger or tear you apart. I highly suggest you talk to one of our coaches that really specializes in PTSD and the Divorce Busting skills necessary for you to come thru this. I wish you the best and would look forward to talking to you. Karen
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
You're on an emotional rollercoaster, just like all of us. When I got mad and yelled at my spouse, it really didn't help. In fact I think it made matters worse. Now she's scared I might get violent. I couldn't believe the thought had even occurreed to her. There's not a violent bone in my body, just a broken heart.
Set some goals for yourself, and then whatever you feel like doing ask yourself, if it will help or hurt the goal. For example, my immediate goal is for my spouse to begin to have doubts about giving up on the marriage. I want her to think maybe the grass really isn't greener. That means I can't be ugly, mean, clingly, etc, etc. You can do this. It will help you in the long run no matter what happens.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
KarenR. I really wish I could use the coaches, I just can't afford it at this point. I'm DIY!
InAPickle, Thanks for reminding me about goals. I have information overload since I read the book in 2 days!
I would say my goal right now is for my husband to see me as the dynamic, independent, fun-loving, active woman I used to be. I've been doing pretty good, but it's only been a couple of weeks. I have been pleasant on the phone to him and have not started any arguments. I joined some clubs, have gone to the gym and am actually going to Russia after Christmas with my mom.
I guess what's more important is that he see me as I mentioned above on a day to day basis. Or at least hear about it, as he is not here during the week.
My next goal is to have him doubt giving up on me because of what he loved about me in the beginning. (see above). That would be step 2.
Thanks for keeping me on track everyone. I come here constantly to read and learn and see if I've received any more advice. Thank you!
