Thanks for your advice. I am still feeling indifference. On a positive note, I can really feel my confidence coming through. I really held my head high today during all of my mundane errands (had the day off). I enjoyed being by myself.
I realized today how low my self-esteem had gotten being with my H. I am not saying it was his fault, we were just very emotionally fused. I convinced myself whole-heartedly that I was the lucky one to have him. He allowed and encouraged me to think/feel this way I can see in retrospect. And what I can also see is that I was blind to the fact that it simply wasn't true. If anything, it was the other way around. But really, we both brought a lot to the table. Unfortunately, we didn't know how to deal with the feelings, or sometimes the lack thereof, that come with a long term relationship. I really thought (& so did he) that I was the one that was f**ed up because my life growing up was challenging. In reality, the 'almost' D that his parents had really screwed him and his brothers up. I can see that now with a little distance from the situation. I knew his brother's relationships were nothing to envy. I somehow thought I got the stable one. What a joke!! I idolized his family putting them above my own. I realize that now and am making amends with my family. They deserved so much better from me.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
