Now, I have not one man rejecting me but two (at least that is how it feels).
Hi Time2, Just sending you my support; I read this and as much of your posts as I could, and got a chill in my stomach. That's how it had felt for me too, when I started giving up on my fantasy about another man I'd been attracted for for years. I finally 'kicked the habit' this year and I just encourage you to keep posting here and reaching out... we'll all support you however we're able. How can we help?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Still hanging in there... FMV, can you tell me HOW you did it? Did you end it or OM?
It helps to know 1) I'm not alone, and 2) there are good men out there that have forgiven their wive's EA, and gone on to work on better marriage... I don't think it's all my fault, but I'm sorry for crossing the line with OM. It's a slippery slope.
I had been cheated on in previous R before M, so never thought I'd be in this boat. Ironically, OM would feel I'm cheating on him too... I really don't think he was looking for this. All my fault... .
But guess what, you can fix it. So don't dwell on its all my fault, set some short term goals and don't lose sight of them. There is a ton of support here for you
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Hi again Time2, glad you're hanging in there. I'm sorry, I should have elaborated. Or, maybe I'm not looking at this the same way, IDK. I was attracted to this other man, but I'd never let him know it; nor have I ever told my H about it. Still, it was an attraction that lasted for about 10 years (embarrassing to even type that), and finally got to be it's worst last year; ended up flirting with him at a party last Xmas. Bleh. So, I don't know if that classifies as an EA? Always thought an EA had to be reciprocal. But. Nevertheless, I'm happy to share with you anything I can if you think it might help? Don't want to overstep though, if you feel it's not quite the same thing?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
No, I see some similarities here since OM and I had this great friendship before my feelings crossed the line these last few weeks. But, I think I've had this thing in my head for him for a while. I live in my head alot!
I think I did this...let it move past friendship. Encouraged it even...
Fantasy was way different than the realities (especially age - I am 20 years older!!!). OM does not feel age matters. (I've sent photo, ugh!) Fortunately, we are geographically distant, or ?
How did you break the addiction? I need to do this before in can really reach out to H.
FMV ... The similarity is feeling that neediness and rejection with 2 men . ??? How do I stop this and get some self esteem on my own?. How did you kick the habit?
Now, I have not one man rejecting me but two (at least that is how it feels).
Don't look at your H as though he's rejecting you. There is a problem, but it could be a health issue or something else that could be fixed fairly easy. As for the OM rejecting you......how did he reject you, or why do you "feel" rejected by him? Is that why you played a silent game with him, b/c you felt rejected?
Yes, I think I do know a lot of what you are dealing with right now. Before I started an EA with OM, I was playing games and men would try to flirt but I had no interest and would immediately stop playing with them. But once I found a young man who was so funny and kept me laughing all the time. I really needed the laughter, too. Like you, I grew to really depend on that time I had with him. We finally stopped playing the game and would IM each other. I had no sexual attraction toward him, but I felt so ........I don't know how to describe it. I was so hungry for a friendship b/c I had not had a close friend in a very long time. Anyway, as we talked it got a little more flirty, but we eventually stopped contacting each other. I had a hard time getting over that and was frustrated b/c I didn't understand why it bothered me so much. It was the friendship and I missed it when it ended.
The same was true with the OM I had the EA with. I loved talking to him. He had several qualities I liked, but obvisous he had one that wasn't too good.....going after M women. There was no way that man could have lived up to my fantasy I had of him & me. He was a player and very good at it.
It is an addiction! You must look at it that way and treat it as you would an additction. Making just a little bit of contact........how does that affect the additction? As long as we feed it, it will grow. We have to do like a band-aide and rip it off.
After I ended the EA then I had a bad problem with keeping OM active in my mind. Especially when I would go to bed and try to go to sleep. My fantasy of him would kick in and so I had to battle that for a while. But, it does finally stop! It's not fun to go through that, but you have to in order to have a healthy life.
I'm so glad to hear you've started back taking care of yourself. If you read up on all the ways a lack of thyroid affects you, then you will be sure to take it like the doctor described. And by all means, take your hormones.
Walking every day is such good excersise and it gives you what you need to be able to fight off this mental stuff that seems to be chasing you right now. Be thankful you can do that, and go after it. If you keep this up, then by Christmas you should feel a big difference. Your mood will be so much better, you'll see.
Dancing? Oh....you go girl! I think that would be great! If you can get your H to participate, it would be good b/c both of you would be involved in an activity. You might have to trade off and do something with him that he likes to do. Getting out of the rut.....that's what it's all about. We M people get into this dull, boring, lifeless R that woulds kill a snale. Doing different things and things out of routine.....making it fun, etc. I think that is the best medicine for any R.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
How did you break the addiction? I need to do this before in can really reach out to H. Should I tell H?
Ok. Let's see. I'm going to get pretty specific here so please bear with me. I'm still pretty embarrassed about the whole thing. I think the main thing that helped me break away from it has been counseling.
The main thing my IC told me to do was really look at the attraction objectively. She asked me to think about and journal the specific things I'd be fantasizing about, when I thought about him. Once I knew what those were, she felt I'd see what I was needing to feel loved, that I was missing in my marriage.
So, for example, I found that it mainly was fantasies about us talking, about connecting about things we both had in common; I'd also imagine he and I finally admitting 'our' feelings for one another... how that would feel knowing a man would openly express his passion and devotion for me. And of course, then there was the physical stuff I'd fantasize about... the passionate kisses and all the other uh... 'stuff' etc, etc. Yeek. Ok.
So basically it was a focus shift. Rather than using my time to dwell on the other man, I had to begin really analyzing my intentions, my needs of the M, and then putting the time into asking my H for what I needed, and intiating the same when it was mine to initiate, and learning to connect and communicate with him. It sounds simple when I write it, but it took a long time. I've gone through about 10 journals and it's taken about 10 - 11 months to come to a point where I can say the attraction is pretty much over.
On the topic of do you tell or not, here's what I came to. My IC told me that if I felt it necessary, to get across how seriously I was contemplating leaving the M, I could tell him that I'd begun "noticing" other men. I never could bring myself to tell him this though. I don't think I ever will, because as I've progressed through counseling I've come to understand that attractions to other people are something that can and do often happen in Ms. It's learning from those attractions though, and using the awareness of them to make your M a better one, that is the important thing.
So, throughout this year, as I've been learning what I need and how to ask for what I need, yes, I've still had stretches of time where those feelings for the other man come back. I still have gotten lost in that but each time it gets shorter lived, and I could tell my feelings were shifting for him, as my M improved and my H and I grew in our capacity to communicate and connect. The times I found myself fantasizing about the other man, I knew my H and I had been disconnecting. So, I'd again shift my attention away from the OM and towards the work our marriage needed: our weekly dates, quiet physical time, time to talk and open up, and get our connection back. And each time, slowly the fantasies would fade away. These days I find myself wondering what the heck I saw in the other guy anyways. My H has made such efforts that the other guy just pales in comparison.
So, I guess when I see you saying that you need to break your addiction BEFORE you reach out to your H, I'd have to say that I don't think you'll really feel it dissipating UNTIL you begin reaching out to your H. Although yes, of course, you definitely need to stop communicating with the OM. That's definitely the thing my IC told me right off the bat... stay AWAY from the OM; no talk; no nothing.
Still though, you and your H reaching out to one another will be the very thing that enables you to leave those feelings far behind in the end. I know it's not likely what you wanted to hear, but oh, Time2, if you decide to do the work... oh, it's so worth it. My H and I have found a connection that we never even had when we first got together 18 years ago. Granted, it's not poetry, roses and sunshine every day. But what he does give me, wow. It's really, really good. So, in some ways I guess I thank heaven for that attraction to the other man. It woke me up and I'm getting more love, and feeling more loved, than I ever could have imagined I deserved in my life.
I'm sorry... I really did write a book here didn't I. I do hope you can find some useful information out of it.
PS - I also read, read, and read some more. The first most helpful book I read to understand how our distant marriage was affecting me, was 'Hold Me Tight' by Sue Johnson. The premise this book is based on is Attachment Theory, and it was very on-point in understanding what had happened in our M. If you're interested in reading, I'd highly recommend it! Anyways, take care, I'm happy to share anything else I can. Just ask.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
FMV ... No, not too long! I need all the advice I can get. My head is so messed up I can't focus on the things I need to be doing, and keep making myself feel terrible. The age difference with the OM is really demoralizing... Both from what OM thinks of me (tho he says not an issue) and from the outside world looking at it.
Fantasy, yes... But the words he has said to me I keep repeating over and over in my head (love stuff). I did delete my screen shots of my most cherished, because I was afraid of kids finding and also realized I was getting obsessed.
Really sweet, wonderful things that I've never heard from my H.
Ugh... And me, sending pics from my cellphone. Only headshotd tho!
So... Sandi, yeah I guess you may a little right there. But part of it was my horror at it all. In truth, yes... I would like OM to chase after me. Not happening.
FMV... Did you and your H have SSM? We are in separate bedrooms... How long did it take you to become intimate?
The best case for all this is for me to reconnect w/ H... Which ironically I was doing more before freaking out about OM and going dark yesterday. I've already blown it today.
Crazy as it sounds, I was better w/H BEFORE I started trying to break it off w/ OM. Now I'm just acting like a crazy woman with everybody!!!
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I think the main thing that helped me break away from it has been counseling.