Hi Cyrena, that's great advice thanks so much. It reminds me of what I've read about communication... how... what is it, like, 80% of communication is nonverbal? So the idea of just staying calm and non-accusatory makes sense.

I find that I jump to conclusions too easily about the intent behind his words - my insecurities coming out - so I wonder if that comes out in the tone of my response. My IC says it's because sometimes his words trigger my own worst fears about myself. So I get defensive and scared. Argh. Such a hard habit to break.

I like the wording you suggested too, especially "I'd just like to understand why you used those particular words." Maybe that would help get it across that I realize how he could inadvertently use words that aren't consistent with his intent.

I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.