Sandi's Place

[New Life]

Just hope I can sleep; I'm heading up 2 huge projects for my kid's school activities and I can't blow it and let them down. I need my sleep, my concentration, and energy focused these next few days.

Ugh. Because if the late hour of contacting OM, and nature of Online chat...this thing is still totally unresolved. A mess. A big mess.

[Mike.4545]

Time2GiveUp,

I don't know much about your situation other than what I've read on here, but I think Sandi gave you some pretty good advice when she said to spell-out all the stuff you're going through for your husband, so that he understands your needs, and that you can't deal with them not being met anymore. Just tell him straight-up.."If we don't address our issues together then I won't be able to stay in this marriage any longer." Sounds like he needs a wake-up call.

- Sounds like you're going through a lot of turmoil, but do you think breaking up and leaving your family is going to make things better for you? I personally don't believe true happiness can or should be achieved by hurting people...especially the people that you love.

- Has your husband ever been to the doctor to get his hormone levels checked? Low testosterone can be triggered at almost any point in life, would likely get much worse as a man gets older, and could explain his very low sex drive. There are medications to help with this though...Just a thought.

IMHO, it seems like you're headed for disaster unless you toughen up, cut this OM out of your life, and get extremely open and direct with your husband that things need to change if he wants to keep you in his life.

Ok...enough from me, continue listening to Sandi as she will have much better advice than I could give!

[sandi2]

Getting ready to leave for work, but if I get a brake I will reply to your post. Did you make it through your first 24 hr?

[New Life]

. No Sandi, I didn't. Caved at 20 hrs. ...those lonely wee small moments of the morning are dangerous, especially when you sleep alone.

Now, more drama with OM (or at least MY feelings for him). I think he sees what is happening, and is withdrawing himself. It is so hard to deal with these text messaging communications. I'm wondering if I've made too much out if it... Maybe it's NOT an EA? No, it definitely was... But I think my going dark with no explanation definitely threw cold water on it.

I'm seeing now how much I invested in myself emotionally in this:(
So...

Thank you Mike for your comments... You are right.
But it is just so hard after 20 years to rock the boat.
My life is actually pretty good from the outside looking in... But how all these years of not having intimacy (not just sex) I've become self-destructive, but not in ways that embarrass my family. I've just given up myself.:(

I feel powerless, even with my kids.

I've got to go function for the next 24 hours... High profile school events that I can't drop the ball on for my kids. I need to detach from this situation for a while just to function...

Thanks Lotus, Mike, Sandi for your support.

[sandi2]

You almost made it, and today you will go 24 hrs without contacting OM. I think you've got to start getting to bed at a normal hour, especially if you have kids in school. It is those wee hours of the night we do seem to be at our weakest.

That night I left and went to my mother's, I was thinking of the OM and how worried he must be about me (since I had spoke to him over the phone just minutes before I left). Ha...the next day when I reached him, I was some what disappointed that he didn't show more concern. It had shocked my mother that I would even wonder about OM and "his" feelings. She thought I should have been thinking of my H. Well, I would have under different circumstances, but I was deep in the EA fog.

You are putting OM up on the same level as your H. You may not realize you are doing that, but you are. In your post, you've mention more than once your concern in how OM may have felt about you going dark. (BTW, when did you go dark on him?) And, then after contacting him last night you are even more concerned about OM.

I don't know if you are a goal setter or not, but here's some things that I hope you will keep focused on. And do not allow your feelings to dictate your actions on this.
First, drop all contact from OM. You told him, now there is no point in talking ever again. Block emails, TM's, etc. You do not owe OM anything. That is something we WAW's in an A needs to realize. When it's over...it's over! Don't find any more reasons why to contact him. He's a big boy, and you are not the only woman he's had this conncetion with....you can bet on it. I didn't want to hear that either, but you can bank on it being true. Those game sites are some men's route to hooking up with females. If he sounds upset then it's probably b/c he thought he was close to physical contact with you. So, don't put OM on the same level as your H. Do not give OM that amount of importance.

Change up your routine. I used to start out the day thinking that I was ready to give up OM and work on my M, but by the time I got home from work, I couldn't wait to get on the computer to IM OM. Change your schedule up some way. If you are a night owl, then get some new movies to watch, books to read, or if you feel strong enough.....post on the board. However,if getting near the computer makes you too weak, then you may have to stay away for a few days.

Find some new projects to fill your time. I know that you know how b/c you're use to filling the void in your life. When a woman is unhappy for as many years as you've been...and not getting the attention from her H, then she learns to fill that gap. I did the same thing.

For a while, you have to just look out for yourself. By that, I mean that you have to get over OM, and that is going to take time. If your H hasn't even noticed anything.....that's kind of sad, but I know how it is. But you may not be able to take on everything at once. Maybe try to get better yourself and then start putting work into the M.

Depression, low thryroid, lack of hormones, fibromyalgia & chronic fatigue.....had me to the point I could barely crawl out of bed every day. It took several tries but I found a doctor who saw the condition I was in and he worked with me to help me physically. When we are that physically pulled down, then we can't expect to have any desire or energy to undertake a task that we feel is completely burned out. At least, that's how it was for me.

So, I hope you will take very good care of yourself physically. And, as I've told several people about myself, I had to be willing to be willing before I could put fort effort in my M. At first, my H wanted to see me putting 100% into the effort(which I thought was ironic since I used to be the one doing the 100%) but I told him that I was working on becoming willing.....to be willingat working.

You won't have those feelings you're wanting to experience. Not for a while, anyway. I can tell you are addicted to it b/c you don't really care "how" or from "where" you get the PEA, just as long as you get it.

Got to run......I'll be back.

[New Life]

Sandi,

It sounds like you and I had a parallel situation!

You are right-- OM has become my surrogate H because of H's neglect. I WISH my husband noticed. During the "giddy" stage my D did notice... Asking me "What's so funny about about a checkmate? You laugh when you lose?"
Hmmm. Yeah -- I did... Didn't even care if I lost actually. Actually, my previously superior game went to pot these last few weeks -- Couldn't beat him to save my life!

Ok, started baby steps to focus on ME. Taking your advice to heart since it sounds like you know exactly where I was mentally, physically, emotionally. Near the bottom.

Ok, very small steps... did my long neglected facial routine before bedtime.
Took care of medicines/hormones I usually neglect. Took my thyroid medicine this morning. WALKED 51 minutes!!!!!!!!!!! (this is huge, and the weather is finally cool enough for me to be outside...listened to my IPOD and it was great).

I'd like to take salsa classes. My H never liked dancing, which was a big part of my life and something OM was willing to try for me. I know! Can see you rolling your eyes, Lol.

The point is, I'm trying to focus on getting back to the person I was before M dragged me down. Also, I need to refocus on starting my career up... Something I put on ice for my H's career moves and my kids (H's travel schedule put some big breaks on there, but as kids start driving... Should get better). Health issues also made my pretty high stress profession difficult, but I need to do something rather than all the volunteer stuff I do for kids schools.

It's not so much A part of OM connection that I miss, it's that friendship we've had over a year before EA. :(((. lonely.

Sandi, thank you so much. I'm not sure what I would have done without you to talk to... you really get it, and know what's happening in my head.

Been a bad girl today... No interaction except silent chess moves with OM. he's pulling back too, since I went dark. A little mad at me, but for the most part... I think he 's trying to give me space and avoid getting into this deeper now that I've sent the warning sign up. So, makes it easier for me since it's not all giddy love anymore. sadly, it's evoking the feelings in me that my H first did... Wanting to pursue because of his pull back, withdrawing from sitch.
Now, I have not one man rejecting me but two (at least that is how it feels).

If my H would show me some itty bitty bit of love, it would be really easy to walk away from EA. So sad...

I've got a big meeting tonight, and early morning event so I'll have much of the next 24 hrs preoccupied. You are right Sandi... That insomnia combined with the time difference with OM makes night time hard. Not able to eat:(

[Mike.4545]

Sandi,

Whenever you get a chance, I have some questions regarding your outlook/views of your husband, love for him, and marriage before, during, and after your situation transpired. If you could lend your input on these, I would greatly appreciate it!

-How did you view your love for your husband before, during, and after your EA?

-Did you really ever stop being in love with him? Or was your love for him always there but covered up deep down...masked by your feelings for the OM and/or long standing issues within your marriage?

-Did you ever think/believe that the love you once had for your husband was impossible to regain?

-What things helped get you to the point of being willing to work on your marriage?

-After deciding to work on your marriage, what type of things were necessary to rekindle the love you once had for your husband?

-From your perspective, can you comment on feeling before doing, vs. doing before feeling? Is that something you struggled with?

-Once it was all said-and-done, how do you compare your marriage now, to the marriage you had before everything started?

-If all the right steps are taken (time/effort) by both husband and wife, do you feel like they have a pretty good chance at reconciling and achieving a loving marriage again?

I know there are a lot of questions here...but if you ever have the time to detail your perspective of them it would be so very helpful!

Thanks so much Sandi!

[New Life]

Mike,

GREAT questions! I'm all ears Sandi.

Not able to concentrate on preparing for meeting tonight, or big event early tomorrow that I'm in charge of ....

This thing with OM feels horrible, like an addiction. And, it's not even HIM per se, it's the fantasy -- the interaction. Unfortunately, as we've become closer as friends I started to count on him more and more rather than developing REAL, LIVE relationships.

Ugh, isolated and lonely... Even with H in the house, I feel so lonely.
It's been years since somebody held me in their arms, so I was willing to settle for cyber affection. In some ways, a PA would have been better than this...

Let me just get through tonight, please God.

[New Life]

Trying to detach, trying to detach, trying...

Husband just did a nice thing for me
That does make it easier to distance from OM.

I think my craziness/neediness and pulling away inexplicably yesterday has OM rethinking sitch with me. oddly, I'd almost prefer to be the dumpee than the dumper.

Got to get my SH!T together for tonight! Do NOT want this to affect my kids...

[gutwrenching]

you can do this! You are not the first one that has gone through this, but you sound stronger than most. One day at a time. For your kids, for yourself, for everything that is important in your life...get through the rest of the day with NO CONTACT. You don't owe the OM anything.