H has gone a bit quiet and uncomfortable looking again. When he fetched S this morning he was very quiet, didnt say a thing to me, and looked very 'ashamed' or something like that Changed his mind again I suppose.
I honeslty don't know how all of you can continue doing this for years!!! I am just so fed up
maybe I just dont have enough patience....maybe its because I feel like I've been patient with his work schedule for years, and my patience is just about finished
H came to watch S at his swim lesson, was very proud an emotional, first time hes come to a lesson - S kept asking him to, so today he made an effort. H made me feel like I wasnt even there, generally ignoring me engaging with S. I always wonder if an OW is in the pic when he does this.
Then H came by to bath S as he usually does, but still not engaging with me very much. He has also stopped asking if he can come over now, and he just arrives at usual time. Don't know if this is positive or negative. Dont know anything anymore, just getting tired of this feeling of limbo.
Having a hard time with my S at the moment. He's acting out and starting to talk back and being very cheeky. Dont know if its normal or not at this age, but having to be a dragon all day disciplining him by myself, leaves me emotionally exhausted by the end of the day
Not sure what your son's age is, but just an fyi... kids tend to act out their anger and frustration with the caregiver they feel the safest with. Your son probably acts out more with you because you are the parent he isn't afraid will walk out on him. Lucky you!
The land of limbo...I f@*ckig hate it. But here we are - suck in it. I know when the vetrans here keep telling us to GAL and detach, they are saying this because it really helps us get our mind off of THEM constantly. We need to do this so that thier actions (or lack of action) doesn't affect our emotions.
The tricky part is when you have young kids like you and I do. When you have young kids and our H is still very actively involved with them (which is wonderful, we have to talk to them and see them ALL THE TIME. How to detach when they are there but not there?
There have been numerous times I have thought - this is it, I am done. I can't take any more. I am a good person! I was a good wife! There is someone out there that had a crappy wife and would think I was God's gift! I deserve to be loved just as much as I love!
Then I have time to think. And I know that I am not done, because what I deserve is my H to love me the way I love him. and if there is any kind of a chance for that, I have to get out of his way and take care of myself and my kids the best I can right now today.
Redirect my thoughts.
stop thinking about him and what he might be doing. Just stop.
read a book, watch a movie, come onto this site, call a friend, go shopping, focus on work, have a friend tell you how crappy thier life is right now, make a big dinner with my girls help, go hiking. Anything, something.
when we have young kids detaching is very hard, but it is possible. I just tell myself that today I want my relationship to work, today I am standing. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow or if I will still be standing and that is okay. Today is all that matters.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
HopeforZen, thank you! That makes sense, and makes me feel a bit better thanks!! Been reading your sitch, and it sounds positive!! Will be folllowing along
TAMF, thank you so much for the advice...every little bit counts....posted on your thread
S has to stay at home for the next two days, I work from home, so have to juggle looking after him and work at the same time....at the same time my mind is whizzing wondering if I'm wasting my time being a fool waiting for my H to wake up....
I seriously think I might go crazy. Like straight-jacket crazy.
ok so what do you all reckon about the email I got from him , basically :
He says he has also been thinking alot.
He says he came out of our relationship very hurt and angry.
his aim out of this 'separation'(his qoutes) was to improve both of our lives.
He says that he feels seeing other people and us starting over are similar things as we have to get to know the people we are today and not the people that got married 10 years ago
He says he 'acted out' over the last 7 months (him out house), and hes been on a few dates and saw an american woman for a few days overseas(this is the one he was chatting to on skype/email) and he owes her a holiday here in our country now.
He says Me and S remain his highest priority and if I want to try again or start over then we should talk about what that means, but he has no idea if that would help either becasue we both know how it ended the first time.
Having said that he says he doesnt resent coming to the house anymore, he makes time for it, and says thats very different to how he wanted to drive his car off a cliff a year ago at the thought.
He says he even turned on our gas braai and made us a meal on the weekend becasue he actually WANTED to, so in a weird way maybe its already strated but applying pressure wont help.
He says he's not sure if I love him or the idea of him. he says hes not the same person now that he was in the marriage. he wants more interaction, more sex and more LIFE.
He said he knew i'd be upset after redaing all this, and will be dissapointed in him, and thats fair, and he has no excuses for whats happened. He said perhaps I deserve a better man, and the he is just a despicable human being. he says he was in a life/death situation and had to get out.
He says we have both now agreed we cant go back to what it was, and it scares him to death to talk about the future, becuase its like giving 'that life' another chance.
he says he has thought about reconcilation a thoussand times, and that he carrries huge guilt and pain.
------
So basically in short i replied that he is not a despicaple human being, I didnt know he was that unhappy, and that i would have done anything in my power to make him not feel that way had he told me his feelings and opened up before it got to that point.
I said that we should just be friends for now as we are both letting things sink in.
He seems ok, but still up down in his moods...and very stressed with work.
So what do I do everyone?
I also took the pressure off him by saying that he didnt have to respond to my last email if it made him uncomfortable and he could if he felt like it.(I asked him if he still had feelings for me, and if he had sex with any of the dates).
In a previous email i set a boundry about seeing anyone else while we are married/or at least being open about it so I can move on mentally.
I said also that I felt like he had alot of buried resentment and anger and that it contorted some of the things he was thinking about our past - I proved that by correcting him on some things, which he then agreed and said he could see how he got it twisted.
All in all progress in terms of understaning eachother, but other than that i don't know what to do.
Also what are the differences between how you treat your H if he's in a MLC or if he's a WAS. Which do all of you think this is?
Personally, I think the email exchange was okay….here are my thoughts…
Your responses to HIM….
Quote:
i replied that he is not a despicaple human being
You showed him that you still care for him – so that should answer his questions of if you still love him.
Quote:
I didnt know he was that unhappy
This could be interpreted two ways…1) you are accepting some responsibility or 2) you are giving him an excuse for YOUR behavior. I would like to think #1 was your intent.
Quote:
i would have done anything in my power to make him not feel that way
Why do WE always think that WE can control how SOMEONE else feels. I understand why you said this Pie, but really would have done “anything”…think about that for a second. Anything for HIM right now would be to give him whatever HE wants regardless of what YOU want and need. Does that sound like a healthy R?
Quote:
So what do I do everyone?
Far be it for me to tell YOU want to do in YOUR life. Having said this, what do YOU really want at this point in YOUR life? What do you need? Do me a favor, write down what your ideal R is. What characteristics in your partner you need, what hobbies would you like to share with that person. While doing this, do not think of your H…just think about what YOU really need. This may help you answer YOUR question.
Quote:
I asked him if he still had feelings for me, and if he had sex with any of the dates
Why ask him? Would his words mean more than HIS actions? As for the sex…would you really want to know. I mean really. What do you hope to accomplish by knowing? Would it make reconciliation easier or harder? Can you change what already happened? OR do you need the answer to justify actions that YOU would take? IMO, I would not ask the question. It really does not matter. What matters is what YOU want YOUR future to look like!
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thank you Eric. I know you are right. I have to think what I want. problem is I know what I want...I know what I'd want in my next relationship, whether its with H or someone new. But I really still love H, and want to try with him. But I'm getting impatient
I set boundries with him, I said i wasnt blissfully happy either, and that I don't want to be unhappy like that again. But I still felt a connection to him, and wanted to know if he felt the same.
So here i am waiting for a little while longer.
But, I have this horrible gut feeling he's still 'testing out' other relationships. And that makes me feel like a fool. And thats one thing I will not tolerate. I have made that very clear.
From his statement 'i feel like dating others and starting again with you is one and the same thing as we are still trying to figure out who we are now' - means to me he maybe thinks it ok to do that even while starting a new with me.
There are still lots of red flags with the sexy young blonde blue eyed tattooed secretary.
Just last weekend they spent two nights together camping. He said he invited the whole office, but no one else turned up. Do i look like an idiot here?
He swears there is nothing between them, and I have never caught this man in a lie in 12 years...
There are still lots of red flags with the sexy young blonde blue eyed tattooed secretary.
Just last weekend they spent two nights together camping. He said he invited the whole office, but no one else turned up. Do i look like an idiot here?
He swears there is nothing between them, and I have never caught this man in a lie in 12 years...
Pie,
This puts up TONS of red flags in my head. Remember, the H you know is not currently around. There is a madman in your H body. Therefore, because it's not something your old H would do does NOT mean it can't be happening now. I wouldn't recommend snooping or anything like that, but you might want to mentally prepare yourself for that possibility because it is very real. Most MLCers get an OP at some point. What you do at that point is your choice, but I would be very on guard if I were you. Hate to sound so negative, but when it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck.....
I know this is not easy. Eric is right. Concentrate on YOU. He is still very lost. Work on the one thing you CAN improve and that is you.
((Pie))
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
