New here, been lurking in the shadows for about a month. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible, but it won't easy. This is a repost of my first attempt on the infidelity board. Childhood sweethearts Me 51 W 52,known each other for 39yrs, now married for 29 yrs, 3 "adult children" 2 S'S ages 23&25, D 21. All living at home. Order of events(excuses,reasons for my sitch); 2001- Best friend commits suicide, I take this hard and begin to self medicate with beer and wine. At the same time the small business I manage is in trouble and I fear losing everything we worked for the last 15 yrs. During the same period my wife tells me she is lonely and needs more attention from me, I respond with "I don't have time for you right now", (words to eat later) 2002- W's father passes away, MIL moves in with us part time th,fri,sat,sun. We soon find out FIL had a secret,MIL is addicted to booze and pills, home life is turning into living hell for all. MIL will not get help, I suspect this was going on with her for 20 yrs. 2005- Middle son now 18 has a horrific car accident and is in a coma for 3 mos. He has to be moved to a special hospital approx 150 mi away. We see him every weekend, W is able to see a few days during the week now and then. 6 mos. go by and he returns home ,can not walk or talk, w has to sleep with him because he cannot be left alone. Diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury among other serious complications. By now I am withdrawn from both my family and friends. 2007- MIL has a heart attack and is recovering in a nursing home, she will not be coming home.(sad to say but this is a good thing) Things are settling down until eldest son approaches us with a new problem,he has been addicted to oxycodone since he was 16, now 22. We get him help, and is now doing alot better. 2008- W moves out of our bedroom says I keep her up to late and she does not want to wake me up early in the morning. She starts work 2 hrs. before me. She is losing weight and hanging around with new friends from work. Sometimes they go out for a few , girls night out. She seems distant, being the genious I am I assume menopause may be the reason and I'll just give her some space. Spending more time with sons and getting to know them, always was closer with my daughter. Family life improving, not drinking as much anymore. 2010- Son with TBI is able to speak and walk somewhat and is taking a course in college. (believe in miracles)
Feb.2010 on a ride alone together from the drug store w stops at the entry to our driveway and has tears in her eyes. I ask whats wrong and she replies she thinks ILYBNILWY. Now granted we have not been close over the last 8 yrs while running a hospital/nuthouse and had issues in 2001 that where not addressed due to the chaos,but I was not ready for this. I am devastated by this conversation. I ask if there is someone else and she said no. I tell her we will work on this and I am not going to give up on 40 yrs with the only person I ever loved. Now this probably sounded strange to her, because my actions in the recent past where at times insensitve, rude and uncaring. Anyway she agrees that we have to work on our marriage and life goes on, still not returning to our room though. (more menopause hormones I think)
She does not come home sat night 7/26/10, never in our lives has this happened. I wake up 4 am and repeatedly call her cell, no answer. She finally comes home at 8 am. She says she was playing cards with her friends and it got to late and decided to sleep there instead of driving. Also she lost her cell phone in her car, found it that afternoon. I'm upset, I tell her I don't know these people and she should have found someway to call us so we did not worry. Now it takes a son with a TBI to tell me, Dad if these are such good friends why don't we ever see them, why doesn't mom ever have them over. Confront her on that Mon after work, she admits to A with a coworker, I am destroyed. I have heard his name before, as a very good friend, EA for 4 yrs didn't turn PA until 12/09 when his divorce was final. I didn't even know he was married. She is glad she doesn't have to lie to me anymore W says she loves me like a father or brother, but not as a lover/husband anymore. That hurt worse than finding out about the A. This is so out of character for her, she is the most honest,caring thoughtful person anyone would know, very easy to love. W says pa only a few times (who knows)I don't know what to believe anymore. What role did this play in the destruction of his marriage? He is 48 with 2 children S8 and D14., only allowed to see them 2 weekends a month.
Prayed and told God I surrender and need help. This is one problem I cannot solve alone,found a IC that Fri. Pursued alot first month (mistake I know) She is sill home trying to sort things out,she thought I didn't love her anymore and I would have been happy if she left. My reaction to the whole thing has got her very confused. She says she is dealing with anger, guilt and shame. She is having a hard time dealing with OM, because he will be all alone,doesn't want to hurt anyone and works with him. (very limited contact I think). This is hard for me, all my family is deceased and I have only a few close friends,I did not tell them anything yet. As far as GAL, the only thing I can think of is spending more time with my kids. They told me they want to stay with me if we split up.(w is shocked by this) My family I think saw me as a cold,strong,and emotionless person until now.
We are in limbo now , w is still in a fog, she says she wants to stay with her family, but is still distant at times. She says I need to patient and needs time. I guess I should be happy she never left home like so many others. I am reading both DB and DR, something tells me this is going to be the longest/ most difficult battle in life I will face. I apologize if this sounded like a venting session,thanks for listening. Any comments, advice or thoughts would be appreciated.
Welcome to divorcebusting.com. First off...you have my prayers. My heart goes out to you. You .... and your wife... have had too much. Your hearts need a lot of care and tenderness and flexibility. Forgiveness....and gentleness. You've both been drained sooo much.
Your wife will need your care and patience, even if you don't have it to give. If your counselor is not supportive of your goals and your marriage....you need a different counselor. you will need someone who nourishes you in this goal....and you will need DB supporters who nourish you in this goal. i will check in on you.
Seek out sandi2 and brandnewday, jeffthreebeans, mr bond....etc.
Since you said you prayed.....I will tell you there is a scriptural example in Hosea....maybe that will be comforting to you....
Reread DR MLC and depression chapters...... none of them give the whole picture for your situation, but pieces fit...and they talk about the long haul. It may be a long time, but sometimes it just clicks and people snap out of it. I pray it will be so for you.
sg
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Thanks sg, I really needed to hear that patience and care is what is needed now. I'm going to need a bottomless pit of that .
My IC and I get along great. He says there are no "good or bad guys" in this case. Urges me to work on myself and get better at communicated with w. He says this mess took a long time to create and is going take a while to resolve.
UPDATE About a month ago she told me she felt a little smothered by me, so I backed off bigtime. The problem I have is dealing with the fact that she works with this "friend". She visited him 2 weeks ago (he called off work)and told him she wants to work on her marriage and family. I know that he has been IM/texting her on days since then and fear that he is not going to just let us alone to work this out.
So while I'm giving her space about relationship issues, he may be gently using his emotional ties to keep himself close to her. (I know I'm doing alot speculating here,but from where I just came from I can't help it)
I'm trying hard to control myself , but I want to call him and tell him to BackTheF OFF! This I'm sure would backfire on me. She gets defensive if I try to talk about him almost as if she is protecting him.
I guess after reading "punchy"s latest post about roommates,(altough no 2 sitch are the same),we have similar problems, especially the emotional wall and I don't want be here a yr from now in that position. I feel for him, but unfortunately I have nothing to offer, I'm in the same boat.
I guess,.....patience,forgivness,understanding etc. is all I can do now.
You are right...the patience, forgiveness and understanding are going to be the keys.
The guy probably isn't going to back off, and sometimes it takes up to 2 years, but your wife will figure this out. He will annoy her, irritate her, she will miss you here and there. You just build on each little thing you get. Be YOUR best self. You have a lot that is strong there, it won't be easy to provide what YOU bring to the table.
It's important to manage your frustration and disappointment/hurt/anger. But I am real sure you can do it. Look at what you've gotten through so far. It just stretches your capabilities....but you are that kind of person. You are able to do this.
And then you can teach others here.
I'll be thinking about you and checking in.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
The dog was barking and woke me up @ 5am, w is in "her" room putting on makeup and I decide to say good morning. She invites me in and I don't know why, but I start talking about the time we tryed to get away alone for a weekend, 7 yrs ago. We went to my friends place on the Great Lakes. It was a nice weekend except the neighbors,who we knew, kept wanting to do things with us and as usual we don't spend much time alone. We both chuckled about it and agreed that we never spent quality time together. I then blurt out another comment on how she looked beautiful this morning, she replied, I'm not beautiful just old and broken down. I tell her to stop talking like that.
I leave it at that and was going to go back to bed when she asks me to join her for a coffee. I agree, we talk about how we screwed up raising our boys and we can't change the past, but can make the best of the future. Then another thought rolls out of me and I tell her what ever she decides I just want her to be happy. It's time for her to leave for work, and SHE comes to me for a goodbye hug. I hug her and give a quick peck on her cheek and she's off.
The first month after the A news broke I would make her coffee and hug her before she left, me being the pursuer. I got the vibe she would rather be hugging a Leper than me at that time. I rarely or never would have saw her off to work in the past and she probably saw me as a phony. I have stopped all of that for at least a month or more.
One other thing, I promised myself to stop being detective, but its hard. The text/call activity between her and the OM coworker is getting to be less and less as time goes by.
I know I shouldn't read to much into all of this and things could change tonight.
The question I have is should I start to interact with her more or stick with the plan and continue to give her space. Maybe this is one of those baby steps I hear about.
Been awhile and all has been going ok, best as can be expected.
This morning, wife forgets her cell phone and I look up her text records and om is sending her photos of his little boy and says I love You on Thanksgiving.
I am tempted to text him back while I have it and tell him to back off and no contact. Also tell him he is pathetic using his boy to destroy our family.
Well I decided to do nothing and she would get the phone when she got home. She said she was enjoying the piece and quiet.
Today I had to pay the cell phone bill and noticed they are talking during work hours more and more.(no way is it all work related)
I want to have as good a Christmas as possible, but this is starting to put a big cloud over everything.
She went to his house over 2 months ago and told him she wanted to work on her marraige and family, now I'm not so sure.
I think I should have a talk with her tonight and get to the bottom of this. Is she initiating the the contact? Maybe, then do I tell her I will not live in an open marriage?
I am sure the PA has ended,but the EA obviously has not and I don't think OM coworker is going to let her alone. It has been 4-5 mos. since the A was found out,is it to early to set the text/phone boundary.
Well, right or wrong I couldn't wait for anyones input so I went on my own and texted her about how I felt. She said she should have erased the past txt's, but the only reason om sent photo's of his little boy was to show how he took her advice and joined the boy scouts with him. Little boy is devastated by his parents divorce. (Still don't know the full extent my w's role in A with om played in his divorce)
I told her she gave him good advice but my problem is not with the boys photo's, it's with his(om) thanksgiving day i luvu txt and phone calls by both during her time off.
I also told her I/we have to look at three faces (our children) everyday and I am determined not to see that type of hurt on them. They have had enough.
Explained we have alot of work to do and it will take time but continued contact with om is only going to hurt our marriage worse.
Ended it by saying I can't force her to do anything but my thoughts right now are to --- cut the cord.
Hi Cold, Sorry you have found yourself here... My opinion on OM is she needs to stop all contact right away. My wife had a 2 month EA (NC for about 5 weeks now) and I told her that she MUST CHOOSE to stop seeing/texting/talking/emailing or leave the home.
I told her that there is no room for 3 in a marriage.
It is my opinion that mt W wouldn't respect me if I stood by and let her continue her A with me knowing it. I may lose my wife but I keep my dignity and self respect.
Keep in mind that telling your W to stop all contact could make her flee. You have to be ready for that..
After I set the NC boundary my W was even more angry. Even more cold. Even more distant. And yes it was painful. But it WAS worth it for me.
I am fully confident that if my wife leaves it will hurt. But guess what, if she stays and continues to see OM it will hurt. Probably even more... So what do I have to lose???
I'm not a door mat... I WILL NOT...
Pay for the car that drives her to him Pay for the internet that emails him Pay for the phone that texts him Pay for the panties that HE will get to enjoy if the EA continues
This is just my opinion and others disagree with me, but my mind will never change...
Stop A or leave!
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
Thanks SBH for your input. I know from reading other posts that yours is more of a hard line approach. I think everyone may have to play their cards a little differently when trying to deal with this.
I have been doing the 180 and gal as much as possible and know I have to have an infinite amount of patience,maybe not showing that in my last action, but we all reach a point in time when enough is enough.
I know she still has strong feelings for om and I can deal with that and be understanding, but I don't think they should be talking to each other 3-5 times a day.
I guess I will see how tonight goes and yes I understand this is risky, but hell this has been going on one way or another for 5 yrs.
How can she be willing to work on her marriage and console her om everytime he has a problem.
If you've all read the beginning post, you can see we both have enough on our plate with our family to fix.
I'll keep everyone posted, hopefully there is something that someone could learn from this mess.
