Sheesh I'm such a DB junkie!! I just can't help reading my own sitch and thinking "try this!" or "try that!".lol.
Going "dark" (and hey, it was dim at best) got some interesting results. As did having OG around. Dangerous game having OG around, because I see SO clearly how you would give up on the one to pursue the other.
But my OG is not really pursuable so I think I'm safe. Famous last words probably...
But ultimatley, do I want H? I'm at that really wonderful place where he's leaving and I am fine with it! Better than fine...I have worked hard for years and want to put my efforts elsewhere. This has run its course.
Ultimately I like to mess with H. Going dark/dim got my H to think about himself for the first time in a while. A little instrospective thinking would be good for him!
He admitted that he has been lazy in this R--so, so, SOOOOO true!! Should I get him to explore that? He is not lazy at work...
Darn it, he is still interesting to me. He got my car fixed the other day and also told me to get the pump fixed over at the trailer I hang out at. Both these things were really expensive.
He told me he's had terrible stomach upset and pains for a week now. And he's never at peace. I told him if he'd done all he could to save us he'd probably have peace inside--I know I do because I did the work!!
Spoke to OG tonight--he wants to see me. I want him to take me to see Secretariat, gosh darn it. He knew the horse and I love to make fun of horse movies with real horse people. This one may be more difficult--I don't know the ins and outs of that horse's story.
I have two friends I haven't seen in ages coming over to park their trailers at my house and go ride with me in the a.m. I'm so excited to reconnect with my old friends!!
It's all about me right now--so weird. I seem to have all this....control? right now. So, so, SO weird!!
Just reflecting a bit here--went to my L's to prepare for mediation next week. Asked her if I can delay a bit, and she said sure--she can get sick or have something come up next week no problem.lol.
The reason I am thinking like this is because my H is making the SMALLEST of baby steps that he has doubts. One of them, though, is a huge one to me--he is willing to have sex pretty frequently. He has re-written history of course--he only used porn because I wouldn't have sex at ll-12 pm when he got home from work.
Um, I can't tell you what nonsense this is--I am going crazy at all hours of the night and day due to my LL not being met on any sort of level, but I digress.
I think the OG thing has prompted him changing his mind this way. And I got a hug from an aquaintance (guy) the other day that, hands down, was the best hug I've ever gotten. I told H about it--that THIS is the way to hug someone (for his future reference when he is a single guy). I made sure to give all the details and how it made me feel. He seems to be looking at me in a whole new way--like maybe I'm not the miserable wretch he has made me out to be??
I would like a bit of time to explore this, we are getting along fine, I am not having it so bad really at all! And I would prefer to do this after the holidays.
And in the meantime I can figure out more what I really want out of this (house? house and trailer? etc).
I say don't leave any corner unexplored!! I don't think your H will be happy at all when you are start to date if you guys do divorce. He is starting to see you in a different way which is good.
Big hugs. (((((Laura)))))
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Dearest Kat, thank you for your input. I am certain you are right--I do worry about the "codependent factor", but....I think this is different.
There is no desparation in it at all--I am interestingly aware that I am NOT in love with my H. SO WEIRD!!
I am in love with the rest of my life. My goodness, I am excited about what is to come!!!
But the baby steps do keep coming. I told him I want to go to a poker ride tomorrow and he was concerned about the trailer tires, etc.
And he called and asked me to do something for him--acts of service coming out.lol. I will do it I guess. What the heck. Told him I was "happy to help" and he went on quite a bit about how he appreciated that.
He gave me money for the checking account. He is still being good about that. I am going to go out and have a bit of fun spending some later.lol. I have never been so lavish in my spending EVER!! Budget, for now--out the window!!
Yes, even though this is one of the toughest times of my life, it has been one of the most fun too--it's just bizarre on so many levels. I'm married, I've got OG, I'm having sex, I've got money to spend, I can do what I want when I want to. Physically I have never looked better--I love to exercise and my appetite is really low--no "boredom eating" going on around here!!
I'm contemplating some plastic surgery...no, not the girls--my nose. It has a bit of a bump and I may be nuts but I thinkit has gotten bigger over the years...It makes me not put my hair up in a ponytail. And I run and HATE my hair whipping around me. And I hear that it's a bargain to get a few "nips and tucks" right now...
My sister knows a really good Dr. and I can spend a week with her. I don't think my H would even notice--he doesn't notice haircuts and things like that. Anyway, who cares if he did notice! It is my worst feature and right now it is something I am really self-concious about. I think, darn, I'd be so cute still except for that NOSE of mine!lol. Although it hasn't been getting in the way with my getting attention TOO much.lol.
I just had a friend that got hers done too and she now looks super cute. Shoot--this is the time to go for it!
Finding yourself for yourself is an incredible gift. So have you decided that you are done, walking away regardless or are you waiting around to see if he can make some changes that stick?
Keep having fun, it does wonders for your PMA!!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
For now, I am going to keep my eyes on him. He isn't "aware" I think that he's making some steps, but he is.
And I don't want to do this during the holidays--if we have to get it over with, it can wait until after Xmas.
I feel in complete control--can walk, can stay, it's all good. If he walks, I am perfectly prepared to let him go. But I know he did this not because he didn't want me, he did it out of fear. There is a difference.
But I have things that I want--and if I don't get them then I will be the WAS I guess. He did this to me once before. What's that saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me". I am getting a degree in nursing whether he stays or not so that I will NEVER be in this position again.
Not quite sure what this means, but there has been movement by my H. The last few days I've had a couple of good "truth darts" come to me, and I've let them rip.
I read him the bulletin from our church service, which for the last 2 weeks has gone over the problems that insecure peaople bring upon themselves.
They surround themselves with insecure people.
Worth is based on external things.
They do not have a clear vision for their life.
They will spend their life living up to unrealistic expectations.
No one can disagree with them.
Praise makes them prideful.
Criticism discourages them.
Confrontation is avoided at all costs.
And the best one in my opinion. They will use and manipulate others, and in turn can be used and manipulated.
I read these off to him and told him in church I have gasped out loud because I see CLEARLY how insecure of a person he is. I asked him "do you ever feel manipulated"? and he thought about that and said "Only by you".
I then told him my favorite truth dart "Only a manipulator can be manipulated".
He went into a complete rage and I left the house, with him kicking the door as I left.
Yesterday I was invited to join some old friends on a ride and to hang out with them and play some card games afterwards. These are friends I hadn't seen literally in over 5 years. I was soooo excited.
So I dropped off my S at school and told my H that I was going out for the day and he was ever-so-helpful. Do you need to do X? Do you want me to do Y? I was like, um, who ARE you??
I met him at the football game afterwards when I got home and he was all "did you have a nice time?". I had SUCH a good time I just went into a story before I knew it.
Then at the football game a girlfriend and I were talking to the firefighters that come (she is married and her H was there too). Just joking and laughing with them and out of the corner of my eye I see my H with this INTENSE expression on his face and his body is in a completely agressive stance (he was in the back grilling hamburgers). I thought, hm, you seem to be not liking this!lol.
I am spending time thinking of how to DB him--it's probably a waste of time, but....it's just in me to continue this stuff.
Meanwhile I have to get comps on this house very quickly--the appraiser brought in a number that is a good 100,000 more than what this place would sell for. The real estate agents in my area are really shocked that this appraisal came in so high. That would be hugely to my disadvangate to have this be used at mediation!! (which has been changed to Nov 30, thank god).
I get the feeling that your H wants you to fall apart about the pending divorce and well, you aren't. Must be a shock for him. Keep doing as you have been and see where that takes you. Thinking of you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Kat, it's true. The old me would have crumbled. I credit these boards and God. On my own, I would have never made it this far. I remember when I was dumped by a boyfriend only a couple of years before I met H (that I considered "the love of my life") how I begged, pleaded, did EVERYTHING wrong.
In hindsight, I would have been miserable with that guy--but just saying--this is how I handled this stuff before these boards.
There is a very handsome, very sweet young guy in my divorce and support care group that meets once a week about 25 minutes away.
I found out last week he lives literally across the street--I had no idea.
To further make my H nuts I am considering bringing up carpooling with this fellow to the meetings once a week. My friends think I am crazy and asking for a huge problem with H, but....even though I did get threatened a few weeks ago, it brought up a huge dialogue between us that wouldn't have happened otherwise. My H has been very, very different since finding out about "other guy" (who is not a factor any longer--he has moved to NC).
I got an Iphone!! OMG--they are SOOO cool. I had been telling some of the people in my divorce and support care group that "now it's about YOU--do things for yourself and DON'T feel guilty".
The young guy had one of those phones, and afterwards I was getting him to show it to me--I'm like "DO NOT show me APPS!!".lol. Just show me what it is like to text and call, etc.
Of course he went waaay too fast for me. Then my neighbor was showing me his iphone and went a little slower. Afterwards I spoke to my sister and she was like "GO GET ONE--I'll buy it for you for Xmas".
I have always had the most BASIC of cell phones--never even texted until this summer. H is very controlling in this area--hates when I text, etc.
So I took my own advice to treat yourself RIGHT and went and got one.
I am walking on eggshells--ugh. H was told by his L to take away my cell phone. He would FLIP if he knew I had this phone! And it is costing him a little extra each month.
Why does treating myself right make me feel so guilty?? I haven't gotten my hair cut at a salon in almost a year. H took away my credit card when he saw I bought myself a dress and a couple of BRAS! He would have a cow if he knew I get a pedicure every 3rd month or so.
What is wrong with me that I care about these things anymore??
I am going out to dinner tonight with a friend and I want to get out of guilt mode FAST--this also makes me feel guilty!! ugh!!
Wonder if I need some sort of therapy. I have been shamed for so long into thinking that any time I think of myself it is selfish and wrong. I will bring this up in my support group Sunday.
