I could go into a deep discussion on how your XH has unresolved issues from childhood. The whole thing about the alcoholic mother that probably was his only source of love and comfort as a child and yet it was coming from a person that had their own issues and so she probably did more "taking" of love from her son than "giving" of love. I could continue on in this discussion of your XH in that he was emotionally bankrupt as he entered adulthood, probably seeking approval from those around because he never got it from his workaholic father and now he is seeking that approval from BMF.
I could go a little further and suppose that your XH is codependent as is 80% of the population out there and he is reliving his childhood. He has the father figure in place (BMF) and is trying to get the (Mom) figure in place in the form of a wife or a girlfriend. I could go a little further and suppose that your XH has never been able to successfully relate to a woman b/c subconsciously he is looking for the "motherly" love he didn't get as a child and really doesn't know to relate to a woman with long lasting "romantic" love b/c he never got enough of the motherly love.
I could go on and on and on and on and on and on about.......
your XH.
But that would be a waste of my time.......and yours too.
Don't get me wrong, knowing your XH's family history and background gives you knowledge and understanding. Those 2 things are neccessary in order to have compassion and empathy for your XH, and those 2 things allow us, the LBS to "Love" our MLCer's from a distance dispite their choices.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
If it was BMF and it didn't alter XH's opinion of BMF I would have my answer. Not necessarily a healthy way to look at this........just being honest.
You are looking for an answer to a question......right?
What is that Question? (I think I know what it is, do you?)
I will tell you what I do know......the answer to that question does not lay in in the actions or opinions of others.
The answer is inside of you.
Are you going to base what you do on what your XH thinks about another person?........really?
Look, I know you love your XH just as I love my W. They are both messed up.....their lives are a freaking roadmap to MLC. They both have a lot of issues to deal with and that was before they trashed a marriage and now they have to deal with that too.
Our spouses may never resolve their childhood issues, do the really hard work and grow as a person. They may however come out of crisis mode. (BTW I think your XH is out of crisis mode, not done with it but not in the storm). IMO I don't think most people grow up, or adequately deal with unresolve issues from the past, furthermore I think that most people have issues from the past that never get dealt with.
Let me put that another way........Everyone has issues.
Soooooo.......
Do I throw in the towel on my W and start the search for another person that has done the hard work, grown up and knows how to be a good partner in a committed loving relationship........
nope........not yet.
Here is why and this is just my reasoning.....I would rather try to put it back together with my messed up W then go out and more than likely find another person that is equally messed up and not really realize it until my life is meshed with theirs. (eeewwwwhhhh, pass the air sickness bag please).
Let me ask you something......Do you feel like you need to make some sort of decision about your XH before you do anything else in your life?
Has it come down to this book thing and what your XH thinks about his best friend of 30 years?
Here, I will do you a big favor and save you a lot of time.
Go ahead, MOVE ON...because your XH is not going to give up his best friend of 30 years to "date" you. If that is the criteria for your decision then you got your answer right there.
Personally, I think that would be a big mistake.
The possibility of a future romantic relationship with your XH is but one of many options in your life. It should have no more weight than any other option, you do not have to make a decision on that option..........DO YOU???
Last time I checked, you guys are divorced.....right?
Soooooo,
Until he makes a move towards you or things progress any further, do you really give a chit about what his BMF thinks? For that matter do you really even care that your XH has a BMF?
Stop giving this person (BMF) so much "control" over your decisions, your relationships, YOUR LIFE.
