Missher, you ask the BEST questions! You are like the Edward R. Murrow of the DB boards. Seriously. You're very perceptive and a good listener.........You could have a call in radio show.
What I meant was that I want to see if XH continues to be open to the possibility that BMF sent the package or if he acts as though nothing BMF does could change his opinion of BMF.
I've been e-mailing with XH's sister today to plan our lunch on saturday. I plan to keep it very friendly and girly with her. It's not fair to put her in the middle. She will no doubt be having dinner with XH and GF#2, so it will be a bit mind-bending for her I would think.
I could go into a deep discussion on how your XH has unresolved issues from childhood. The whole thing about the alcoholic mother that probably was his only source of love and comfort as a child and yet it was coming from a person that had their own issues and so she probably did more "taking" of love from her son than "giving" of love. I could continue on in this discussion of your XH in that he was emotionally bankrupt as he entered adulthood, probably seeking approval from those around because he never got it from his workaholic father and now he is seeking that approval from BMF.
I could go a little further and suppose that your XH is codependent as is 80% of the population out there and he is reliving his childhood. He has the father figure in place (BMF) and is trying to get the (Mom) figure in place in the form of a wife or a girlfriend. I could go a little further and suppose that your XH has never been able to successfully relate to a woman b/c subconsciously he is looking for the "motherly" love he didn't get as a child and really doesn't know to relate to a woman with long lasting "romantic" love b/c he never got enough of the motherly love.
I could go on and on and on and on and on and on about.......
your XH.
But that would be a waste of my time.......and yours too.
Don't get me wrong, knowing your XH's family history and background gives you knowledge and understanding. Those 2 things are neccessary in order to have compassion and empathy for your XH, and those 2 things allow us, the LBS to "Love" our MLCer's from a distance dispite their choices.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
If it was BMF and it didn't alter XH's opinion of BMF I would have my answer. Not necessarily a healthy way to look at this........just being honest.
You are looking for an answer to a question......right?
What is that Question? (I think I know what it is, do you?)
I will tell you what I do know......the answer to that question does not lay in in the actions or opinions of others.
The answer is inside of you.
Are you going to base what you do on what your XH thinks about another person?........really?
Look, I know you love your XH just as I love my W. They are both messed up.....their lives are a freaking roadmap to MLC. They both have a lot of issues to deal with and that was before they trashed a marriage and now they have to deal with that too.
Our spouses may never resolve their childhood issues, do the really hard work and grow as a person. They may however come out of crisis mode. (BTW I think your XH is out of crisis mode, not done with it but not in the storm). IMO I don't think most people grow up, or adequately deal with unresolve issues from the past, furthermore I think that most people have issues from the past that never get dealt with.
Let me put that another way........Everyone has issues.
Soooooo.......
Do I throw in the towel on my W and start the search for another person that has done the hard work, grown up and knows how to be a good partner in a committed loving relationship........
nope........not yet.
Here is why and this is just my reasoning.....I would rather try to put it back together with my messed up W then go out and more than likely find another person that is equally messed up and not really realize it until my life is meshed with theirs. (eeewwwwhhhh, pass the air sickness bag please).
Let me ask you something......Do you feel like you need to make some sort of decision about your XH before you do anything else in your life?
Has it come down to this book thing and what your XH thinks about his best friend of 30 years?
Here, I will do you a big favor and save you a lot of time.
Go ahead, MOVE ON...because your XH is not going to give up his best friend of 30 years to "date" you. If that is the criteria for your decision then you got your answer right there.
Personally, I think that would be a big mistake.
The possibility of a future romantic relationship with your XH is but one of many options in your life. It should have no more weight than any other option, you do not have to make a decision on that option..........DO YOU???
Last time I checked, you guys are divorced.....right?
Soooooo,
Until he makes a move towards you or things progress any further, do you really give a chit about what his BMF thinks? For that matter do you really even care that your XH has a BMF?
Stop giving this person (BMF) so much "control" over your decisions, your relationships, YOUR LIFE.
I just want to clarify something as I was thinking about what I just posted.
I had said in an earlier post
Originally Posted By: missherlove
Do I want to be with someone who chooses to be around people that negatively impact their lives???? Are you strong enough, independent enough to make the right choices for YOU???
then I said
Originally Posted By: missherlove
Go ahead, MOVE ON...because your XH is not going to give up his best friend of 30 years to "date" you. If that is the criteria for your decision then you got your answer right there.
I also said this....
Originally Posted By: missherlove
Stop giving this person (BMF) so much "control" over your decisions, your relationships, YOUR LIFE.
Some of those posts may come across as contradicting.....
Here is my thoughts on this person, and this really has to be it for b/c I am sick of talking about him...LOL
Your XH is not a puppet, he is ultimately in control of himself. BMF could be a complete holeass but does that really make your XH a holeass too?
All I am saying is that, worry about the holeass when the time comes to address it, and you are a looooonnnnngggggg way away from that time.
You may find that later on it may not even be an issue, right???
Who knows what the future may bring??????
You could end up liking the guy someday, crazier stuff has happened.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
What part of this remark says "I'm not moving on with my life. And allowing my W to control my future happiness"?
vvvvvv
Do I throw in the towel on my W and start the search for another person that has done the hard work, grown up and knows how to be a good partner in a committed loving relationship........
nope........not yet.
Here is why and this is just my reasoning.....I would rather try to put it back together with my messed up W then go out and more than likely find another person that is equally messed up and not really realize it until my life is meshed with theirs. (eeewwwwhhhh, pass the air sickness bag please).
Best of Luck!
Life is a box of chocolate, the box becomes empty. And you have to buy a fresh box.
MHL, thank you for your very thought-provoking posts........Sincerely. You are helping me and many of us process our thoughts on these issues,.....and I hope that writing these posts helps you to process your thoughts too. I plan to reply tomorrow evening when I have more time. Just got home from TT with XH and I want to journal about it before I forget.
Hadn't heard from XH since TT last week (same as week before when our discussion touched a nerve ----- no communication all week except for TT). Yesterday morning I called to reserve the table for TT this thursday. Found out the community center is closed for Veterans Day. Reserved tuesday (today) instead. Emailed XH to tell him that I had to switch days and if he was available it would be fun to play. If he wasn't available, told him I could certainly use the time to practice my serves.
XH emailed back 20 minutes later "As much as I would love to hold you to one point......I will have to wait a week for that."....and then some chatty stuff.........OK I think. I changed the day because the center wasn't open. He has plans. I need to practice my serves. No big deal.
Fast forward to today..........1:30pm today I receive a text from XH saying "TT tonite? 6pm?" I text "Yes! Great! Think I can get there between 6-6:30pm". He texts back "In Wisconsin (on business)....C U then!"............Not sure what changed. Pretty interesting.
........So we played our weekly TT game this evening for 1 1/2 hours. Very relaxed and fun! XH was stuffing TT balls into his spandex shorts because he didn't have any pockets in those shorts........says the balls kind of chafe him (smiling). XH says he hurt his shoulder yesterday doing biceps curls........I say "Oh! Let me check that out!" and squeeze his bicep, then say "NIIIIIIICE!!!!!!!!!" (In all honesty, it was pretty firm.) He pretends to pull away a little out of modesty, but lets me squeeze. He smiles when I admire his muscle.
I tell XH about the TT league the night before. This time I was paired with some "big guns". Told XH that the week before there were 4 older gentlemen sitting behind me while I warmed up before play. Said they were watching my tu$hie.......and after I missed several balls volleyed to me I told them "Fellas, you might want to cross your legs or you could get hurt". XH looked at me and laughed. I could see the surprise on his face that I'd flirted with them.
There was a meeting of a grade school age girls' club in the room next door ("The Daisies") and we hear them singing songs, wearing purple outfits, and waving daisies. Cute!! At the end of the meeting the little girls peered at us through the windows in the doors..their noses pressed against the glass. We laugh about how we have performance anxiety and that we need to watch our language (no cursing in front of "the Daisies").
We walk to our cars and chat for 20 minutes. After a few minutes XH asks what the forensic analysis showed. I tell him that the analysis didn't rule out anyone. I say that I'm not pursuing it further at this time, Mr. CSI said we need full inkprints and that if he wanted to get inkprints from anyone Mr. CSI will do the comparison......I ask XH "Would it really make a difference to you to find out BMF sent it?" XH says "I don't want to believe that BMF sent it". I ask again "But would it really make a difference to you?" (because, of course, this the question in my mind------warm up that 2 x 4 MHL ). XH says "It makes a difference because of your security". (Interesting response. That surprised me.) We chat about other topics and surprisingly, I sense from XH that he has let down his guard with me....... His guard is STILL down. I'm surprised. I had thought that the exchange 2 weeks ago jeopardized that, but we seem to have resumed the friendly R we had before that "discussion". Interesting........Like Cas says about her H, my XH seems to be much more stable and recovers more quickly from difficult situations than he did for the first 2 years post-bomb (as MHL put it: "I think your XH is out of crisis mode, not done with it but not in the storm"....I agree.)
During this convo I tell XH that I have been asked to help tie up a loose end that I left dangling when I left my previous position. I'm the only person with the expertise needed and the project manager was a real a$$ when he pressured me to help. I tell XH "I am SOOOOOOO glad to be out of that place!" (and I mean what I'm saying. He can tell I am sincere.) "They sucked me dry." I tell XH what the a$$inine project manager said to me ("Do you want to be a co-author on this manuscript?") I tell XH what I wanted to say to project manager was "This project cost me my M.".........and the remarkable thing here is that I see that XH's eyes are soft and receptive,......... not angry or defiant like they were during crisis mode. Can't read his mind. Just thought that was noteworthy.
At the end of the convo, XH reaches forward to hug me goodbye. Brief but warm hug..........That's it for TT this week........I'm having lunch with X-SIL on saturday. She sent me several e-mails today. Interesting.
Seriously. You're very perceptive and a good listener.........You could have a call in radio show.
XH looked at me and laughed. I could see the surprise on his face that I'd flirted with them. 
). XH says "It makes a difference because of your security". (Interesting response. That surprised me.) We chat about other topics and surprisingly, I sense from XH that he has let down his guard with me....... His guard is STILL down. I'm surprised. I had thought that the exchange 2 weeks ago jeopardized that, but we seem to have resumed the friendly R we had before that "discussion". Interesting........Like Cas says about her H, my XH seems to be much more stable and recovers more quickly from difficult situations than he did for the first 2 years post-bomb (as MHL put it: "I think your XH is out of crisis mode, not done with it but not in the storm"....I agree.)