It would be SOOOO much easier if the x spouse just moved to Alaska (unless you happen to live in Alaska), but the kids will intertwine you forever, and if they are small, its more intense. My friend told me not to have ANY communication with XH unless one of the kids' names is in the sentence. That seems to be working to keep things cordial, but I don't reply to anything about US. The stuff about US keeps the emotional bond going, and that's not healthy for me --or maybe for you either, Future, given your wife's clear ambivilance. She wants the bond, but she doesn't want the marriage.
Future, my XH needs me to reflect that he's a good person too. Interesting that the WAS would need that so desperately after they behaved how they did. Somehow they need us to say, "That's OK, don't worry, I know you didn't mean to do it," or something crazy like that. Michelle has a good article on this site--she says that affairs don't "just happen". They are deliberate and conscious acts--which is such a relief for me because there is so much out there that says they are simply a symptom of a bad marriage. She writes that some clients have gone 25 years without sex and still wouldn't consider having an affair, and others have an affair at the first predictable bump in any marriage. My XH is in the later camp. It just wasn't fun/exciting enough having two kids, working, and running around after them all the time. He says when he looks back that a "gap" had developed between us, and that he filled the gap with the affair. Hummmmmm...I had been telling him for a couple of years that we needed to go on more dates, spend more time together, etc...and nothing happened unless I arranged it. For my XH, I think he has a weak character and would have had an affair no matter who he was married to. He just needed the rush of adreneline and the excitement from the ho-hummness that occurs in ANY married life from time to time...Yet he needs me to tell him he's a good person and not to worry about it or something crazy like that...He actually needs my forgiveness but would do the same thing all over again, I think. He is still with the GF, I suspect they may be getting married or something soon. How can someone ask for forgiveness when every clear indication is that they would do the exact same thing over again??? The funny thing is that everything I've heard about her from the kids sounds just like their friend's stepmom, who XH called "white trash" for years!
I think our X's are two of a kind musclegal, and as you mentioned before, I think some narcissism is the key ingredient. Amazing how they need us to mirror for them, and when they don't get it, how nasty they can be. Maybe I wasn't the perfect husband, and maybe I did fail her emotionally in some ways, but I'm starting to realize more and more how that probably wouldn't have mattered. I have been there for her in so many ways, and it appears to mean nothing to her. She has shown herself capable of minimizing or discarding anything good between us, so even if I had been a better emotional partner it probably wouldn't have made any difference. Her A is an indication of something broken in her, and until she finds a way to fix it, I can't subject myself to any more abuse from her.
