Bustorama- Thread #2

[bustorama]

I agree totally with you guys re: her needing to move forward and not repeating the same apologies once said sincerely.

In this case, however, it was new issues that were discussed -- not about the EA at all -- and I think is closer to the core of her feeling scared and where our original R problems were. They are around a general theme of how she didn't feel "protected" by me and that is what led her to be angry at me in the first place and begin withdrawing her love and affection (after which I spiraled off into compulsive game playing and the EAs).

She told me that in her IC, they are working on childhood traumas of how she didn't feel protected by her mom and dad and how her first boyfriend physically abused her and that she felt if anyone in the world would protect her it would be me. She felt as if I didnt "have her back" on many issues and we talked about many different examples from earlier in our marriage (all pre-EA/compulsive gaming) with me validating. I had recognized these incidents before when I made my personal (unshared) "8th steps" list of hurts I had done to her, so I was able to relate and apologize to her when she brought them up and discuss amends I had made. However, I hadn't recognized the overall theme of protector that was meaningful for her, so that was a big insight for me on WHY they pushed her buttons so much.

That's what I mean by I thought it was a productive R talk because it covered new ground -- the R problems that set the stage for my later bad behavior.

I also think it is the childhood hurts she suffered that is part of what is making it hard for her to trust and move forward. I'm happy she is working on it in IC because I think it's also what drives alot of her anger and rage in day-to-day interactions and which drove me away before. In parallel, I have worked on becoming more of a Rock to her emotions.