Thanks Sandi! well, I may have to look for a supplement of some kind, Lol... Because I sure don't want to revert back to prolong depression from SSM, which is why I was vulnerable in the first place!
Sandi, were you able to spark up your M? I WANT those love drugs (PEA, endorphins, all of them!) but with my H, if it's possible.
I strongly urge you to discuss your needs to your H. We women tend to want them to automatically know the desire of the female (you know, like in romantic novels), but it isn't that way in reality. We have to break it down and spell it out. No hints.....just get it out there.
Does he know about any of your EA's? I understand you thinking that not telling him is protecting him from being hurt. I tend to have the same mentality, but I'm learning that is not the way to do it.
Once you've made it very clear what you need emotionally and physically, then you should tell him that the lack of these needs being filled has prevented you from overcoming temptation.
How many times have you had an A? Until you can heal in your M you will continue to crave attention from other men. You want romance. You want to feel sexual desire. You want to feel young, pretty, and alive! When you are in a SSM, you don't feel any of those things. So when a smoothe talking man comes on line to strike up a "friendship", you don't have the strong defense to slap it down.
I know what it's like to go for years without a close connection (physically & emotionally) with a H. I know what it's like to have years of continued stress that doesn't have anything to do with the M but certainly affects it. I understand the depression.
Let me tell you what one doctor told me when he took c acomplete blood workup. He could not believe it, but said my sex hormones was zero. Then he started talking about some other things and how low on the scale that was. So, I was in pretty bad shape. But here's what is so wild about the PEA's, the Internet stuff caused me to experience feelings that let me know I wasn't completely dead. You know what I mean.
I had shutt down to everything around me, but mostly my M. I had no desire to or energy to even think about trying anymore. So like you, I got hooked on that sexual high that I found through flirting and then had an EA with OM from Internet.
I told you all of that b/c I wanted you to know that I was going through a lot of things (that I won't go into), but I was able to get through it. You can too, but it isn't a picnic.
I can tell you still want that high that comes with those PEA's, but you would like to have that by a good R with your H. I don't know that I can explain this very well and I don't want to discourage you. The biggest part of my EA was the fantasy. In fact, I'm sure I already had the fantasy....I just needed some man to fill in the void. The OM was slick. I mean, he knew exactly what to say and when. I'm sure he was experienced and I now realize that I wasn't the only woman he was stringing along.
It took some things all happening to me at the same time to begin to get my eyes open. At first, I was not very willing to stay in my M, much less work at it. Getting older and having some health problems might have helped to shine reality into my fantasy a little bit anyway. But I did make that decision to stop contact with OM. I was lucky, b/c he said he would respect my wishes and not pursue any farther. I've read where some women had some bad outcomes in EA's.
Getting through what's called the mourning period was not fun, but trying to get to the point of "wanting" to work on my M was actually harder for me. The depression and all of it put together was a hard hill for me to climb. It took a long time for me to start having the right kind of feelings for my H. I held so much resentment toward him that I had to work through that before I could start feeling romantic.
I believe that you can have those feelings of romance and sexual attraction for your H again. But, I don't believe you can feel it as long as you carry a tourch around for OM or fantasize of somebody else. Will you feel as dreamy or whatever? IDK. I think part of my excited feelings in the EA was b/c it went against the way I was raised (I had always been the proper, good girl, good wife, etc.). It was secretive, OM was a new person in my life with no shared history, and I could be whoever I wanted to be over the Internet. All those ingrediants are not found in a MR, or it shouldn't be anyway. But I believe that those feelings in an A will burn out and then you would have to find a new OM. At some point, the feelings cease to happen no matter how many times you enter into an A. It's like they have been numbed due to engaging into these areas that you shouldn't. In fact, I read a book about women & infidelity that explained that very well, and it scared me enough to know I did not want to live my life out with no feelings for anything.
You can get your love feelings back for your H! It helps when both partners are working at it. That is why you need to tell your H what is lacking and what is needed in the R. If he isn't willing to get help with the SSM, then you need to make him realize how close he's come to losing you. Nothing wakes a man up better than the truth.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I wouldn't call it that, but with us....it was a matter of healing. He had been hurt so bad and I was a mess, so it was us both working and it took some time before I had any "energy" to try for sparks.
In the past, I had always been the one to come up with the romantic ideas and try to keep the fires burning. But after the EA, I just didn't have it any longer. I would read where the love feelings would return, but frankly....the way I felt at first, I didn't really care if the love returned or not. That's how bad it was.
Has your H ever discussed the SSM?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I did re-iterate that if she contacted OM that I suspect we would headed down a path of not being able to recover from. She asked why and I said for 2 reasons: one it will just feed those feelings you are having now and likely result in increased feelings and communication...and secondly because it would be so disrespectful to me. I don't know how else to handle this one.
You are absolutely right, GW! If she contacts OM, all the ground that has been gained will be shot to bits. The best thing that could have happen to her was for OM to dump her first and her pride get stepped on, but since it didn't then she continues to carry a tourch for him.
I know that she has to get out at some point, but I wished she was stronger before going on that trip.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No he doesn't. This has been going on now for... Decades:(. He tells me he lives me, is committed to our marriage, has never cheated, and he'd like to move back into the bedroom with me(many barriers that I've put up to that)-- many acts of service for me and our kids...
When we've had sex in the past (rare!) it's because I initiate which was also rare. We always had a high committment to each other because of our fatherless childhoods, but I guess I picked him for his Beta male qualities, not because of intense physical attraction that I'd felt for previous boyfriends.
So, we've had sex about 1x in the past 3 houses we've lived in... Been in this house for 10 years! Hmmmm... When we were having kids, I was more assertive because we wanted to get pregnant. Then, with pregnancies and babies's easy not to want sex... And a few sick/dying parents along the way. Most of our energy goes into parenting... But now they are almost college age and I want more.
I've always gotten alot of attention from more Alpha males, but when I got married I really wanted someone I could trust. Not sure if I should have made such a huge trade-off... 
I've gone dark on the OM for the first time ever, my goal is to make it 24 hrs through today and tonight...then, 1 day at a time. Since I've deleted all the accounts I can't give into a momentary weakness to send a text.
Listen, you can make it this 24 hours! I remember when I got through the first four days without contact. Everytime I felt weak and tempted, I come here to the board. Worked for me and I bet it would you too.
Have you ever wondered if your H is gay? What excuses did he give when first M?
So, were you sexually attracted at all when you were first M to him?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm going to have to re-read and digest all that you've said 20 times over!
The only difference is that the OM really didn't pursue me... We were JUST chess partners (one of the mindless ways I fill up my emptiness -- I play many different people with just rare, polite chat "Good Game" that's it). We got to know eachother just as friends, talking every day about our kids. I had a complete fantasy about him which was WRONG -- he's much younger than me...21 years younger!!) but even when we both found out the truth, we still had this strong connection and attraction. I even sent him my photo (UGH, cringing as I type that) to make sure he realized I was older. I felt crazy to hear from him every day... . So, so embarrassed to write this...
But, because of the long friendship and daily chess matches... I thought maybe we could just be friends, because he has become so much of my life. When I first started playing chess, uninvited my H to play with me, but he just ignored me (online).
So, it's more than just losing EA, I've lost a friend. It's only been the last month or sk that I actually took it in the wrong direction. Up until then, i didn't have a chemicalor hormone left in my body! (PEA, endorphins, thyroid, adrenals, estrogen WHATEVER... Just like YOU!). I was actually glad EA prompted me to get out of house, walk daily, SMILE, feel something. Up until EA just an effort for me to keep showing up and keeping up with my Mom activities.
So, in a way I'm thankful for EA -- it showed mei still have some life in me, and it's not just medical/hormone problems. I think about sex all the time now!
Realistically, EA was just a fantasy. 32? No way... And, in an ironic twist I think I also hurt OM. He doesn't know I'm with H (because in separate bedrooms he is like my room mate) BUT, his Ex cheated on him so I just feel like BRAKES !!! I'm hurting everybody unless I'm prepared to be a WAW, move across the country and leave my kids/H behind. And in the end, my H is my family... My kids would NEVER forgive me, and I would end up miserable with OM. :(((
Sandi, God sent you to me... Thank you for not judging and being that place I can try to fix all this. You are truly an Angel sent to me.
Yes, I've asked H if he's gay. Says No. I'm not sure if there was abuse in his childhood or not... His father left for OW when he was only 2. I don't think he is pursuing gay lifestyle or he's just not into ME.
Last few years, i could understand-- don't bother with anything unless I'm going to activity for kids... The past year rough for him due to lay-off, then very demanding work sitch. But... That's one year out of 20.
I know he loves me... But not sure if his prior lack of sexual experience before M, or just lack of attraction is the reason for no sex. It started even when we were engaged, then big time after M. His mom had cancer, so I thought that killed desire for him... I'm always making excuses to try to explain it.
I did find some porn sites on the computer about 10 years ago with teen girls... ??? But this is basically a pretty decent guy... Unless I'm just horribly naive.
Hanging on, going dark on OM. I miss him, but having this forum is the ONLY reason I'm able to stay dark. Having to withdraw from H and kids too just to get through this.
When we were first engaged, first time H rejected me was shortly after wisdom tooth extraction. Understandable. Then, his mom got cancer (cervical) and only years later did I know how graphically it ate up her lady parts. He was traveling every weekend to take care of her, and I understood.
But the sex just never came back in our lives. In fact, when I got pregnant with D (6 years into our marriage) it was because I was sitting in my office fantasizing about someone else (not a real human) and he saw what I was writing, and we did IT!
When I was pregnant I REALLY craved sex, and that closeness... But nada. In fact, my doctor advised it to bring on labor. Nope, didn't happen.
Now, I admit, I'm a heavier than I'd like... But even after a boob job and tummy tuck post pregnancies ... No sex, even though every other man around was dogging me.
Good girl, as always... . So I just stopped caring about my appearance until my college sweetheart came to town 5 years ago. That was tougher to resist, but time and distance helped me regain my senses. (he was my 1st very HOT relationship).
So... I don't know. Maybe my husband picked me because I'm the kind of girl his mother wanted him to marry? I know I'm beautiful, even in my 50's... But maybe just never H's sexual type?
. So, so embarrassed to write this...