Thank you. You are right. I realize complacency had become the norm in our marriage. I was accepting of his physical limitations, supportive of his medical needs, but obviously ignorant of his emotional state.
Yes, I am the stronger of the two of us, always have been, in certain ways. Sometimes strength makes us blind to others needs, I guess.
I have been following your current situation and have read many posts of yours in the past. You are incredibly resilient, strong, kind, and wise. I thought about posting to you before November 5th, but didn't know what to say. I am very interested to see that you have resolved to continue DB'ing.
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
...if we become "THE WOMAN ONLY A FOOL WOULD LEAVE" it opens their eyes to the truth and reality. I do believe that it buys us time for possibilities that otherwise would not happen.
This is a good reminder to everyone. A 20 lb. turkey takes longer to roast than a 5 lb. turkey, if you get what I mean.
It seems very odd that your H would file for D again but not show up to the court date 2 months later. It seems as though your H can't move toward you but also can't move away from you. Is he indecisive in other areas of his life? Is this just cake-eating?
Do you have any idea why H can't seem to cross that imaginary line toward you? In my situation I think the road block is my XH's BMF who is an unethical person, but I am learning that there obviously is something inside my XH that causes him to be close to someone like that.
In your situation I would think that more than enough time has passed for your H to see the "real OW". Do you have any idea what it is inside your H that prevents him from moving toward you?
GAG
P.S. Cas, sorry for the hijack, but this conversation is something that I think we are all interested in.
Cas hope your me time is becoming very enjoyable, believe me as I have changed the lounge around to make it more homely one of H's moans and Im now listening to both of them shout and ball at the footie match on the telly life on my own seems very appealing :-)
Sanderika all credit to you girl, it takes bravery and courage to stick in there even when it seems like a fruitless task.. No people dont understand standing for you H/W but when you have loved someone so long well why wouldnt you,
I have an interesting week ahead my sister is visting at the weekend with her new boyfriend, she still lives with her husband but thats a whole other story.. she also become H's EA of sorts when he left, Im not so sure she saw it as that I just think they probably became each others support network as both were fed up! But I dont trust her as far as I can throw her so and interesting weekend it should be.. Wish me luck!
Anyway will stick my head in later to see how you all are x
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I think I am about to write a post that will not please people! Before I begin, I will say that I fully endorse aything that Snodderly and others have said about the horrible place that these MLCers are in, and how deep is their pain and suffering. BUT, and it is a big but, none of this justifies the way that we have been treated. I do not think of myself as a victim, but until we all take on board the fact that, for whatever reason our spouses have behaved really, really badly, we may well respond inappropriately. I think we are sometimes encouraged to over correct. We are human, warts and all, and while we all want to be the best people we can, we are not saints
Yes, we probably became complacent to some extent and also many of us became somewhat co-dependent. Yes, if we want them to return we probably have to continue to deal with more bad behaviour on their part until they face up to what they did and who they became. Our complacency is regrettable, although understandable, but you deal with that by having a long talk with your spouse, not by running off, abandoning your spouose and children, and in many cases reducing them to dire financial straits. Our children did not deserve the treatment that most MLCers give them. The notion that if they were 'better' kids the parent would not have left is a pernicious one that survives with many children whose parents have divorced
This is what we have decided to overlook. Doesn't mean it didn't happen.
I am not saying that there weren't things we needed to fix in ourselves and our marriage, but if I am honest our marriage was better than most, and in his rare moments of lucidity my husband acknowledges how happy he was.
The main problem lies with them. They are screwed up and incapable of an adult relationship with anyone - look at the women they run off with. Your husbands are somewhat ahead of mine in that they want some sort of relationship, but they have a LOT of work to do on themselves.
Do not make them the centre of your life at present. Detach and be kind, as there is still pain there. Only they can deal with it, and only they can fix themselves. Please continue to have clear boundaries. Yes, be the woman that no man would want to leave, although I find that a slightly strange concept. But don't put yourself through hoops. You are amazing women with great integrity who have been extremely badly treated.
My husband has handled his very long MLC somewhat differently from many here. He was a runner, and I had little contact (I mean that I have seen him only a few times in the past 5 years, and spoken intermittently on the phone. Most of the early contact was him being very very abusive. We can go for over a year without any kind of contact) but every now and again [3 or 4 times] he comes almost completely out of MLC, is almost his old self for a short period, and tells me a lot of stuff about what it is like, and how sorry he is, and then rushes back into MLC.
I spent a great deal of time beating myself up about it and thinking I had somehow done something 'wrong' I now realise I didn't. He wasn't cooked.
I thnk when and if they are cooked we will know. They will start to deal with their issues. My h still has this overwhelming need to be right - I think it is part of the fragile and rigid MLC persona.
Contact with people who are still somewhat in MLC is disturbing, and it destablizes us. They aren't acting normally, and we should not take responsibility for how they behave. We didn't 'make' them do anything, at any stage. it is a clear sign of an abusive personality to claim another person 'made' you do something, or to persuade someone that their behaviour is your fault.
Cas has it right about behaving with authenticity, but we shouldn't have to agonize about what is authentic. Authentic is what is normal. This treading on eggshells is what I am very very familiar with, and am not prepared to do anymore. On and off I have been doing it for about 7 years. It is no basis for a long term relationship with anyone, friend, spouse or child
I hope I haven't offended anyone here, but we are all the type of person who tends to take responsibility for things. We have done that, and kept the show on the road. We want our spouses sane and whole, and it doesn't happen overnight I think they are looking for a sense of self worth in us, typically the OW doesn't have this. Tolerating bad behaviour isn't doing anyone any favours. As I understand it towards the end of MLC we handle things a bit differently, and are the person we want to be in our future relationsihp, if it comes to pass.
HeartsBlessing has said that if they return too soon, or try to, they will run again. They need to complete their crisis and finally face up to all they have done. It is horrific and explains why so many linger out there for such a long time.
Question......how many times do you have to be turned down after inviting should you finally stop? Especially when it hurts you everytime they say "no, I don't think it would be a good idea as it might give false impressions"
it depends on how you are asking.no pressure non threatening and be very casual. no guilt trips if they say no. leave things open ended and leave room for them to change their minds.it doesnlt matter what happens in the end for now the number one priority is the children and to make them feel loved and secure by both parents.swallowing ones pride and stopping the one upmanship is important too.when i felt the freedom to say no without being made to feel like an ass then i began saying yes.
Thought this provided good insight. It also follows the rule that we should treat the WAS like we would a neighbor or a friend.
Hmmm. Happy Again's posts disturb me for a number of reasons. And this is nothing personal to HA who is a courageous guy with a lot of insight. His MLc was comparatively short, and there was no PA, and as far as I am aware, no beggaring of his wife and children. For a MLCer he behaved quite well.
He also makes the point that although there are similarities, each MLCer is diferent, with different personal issues, AND different issues with their spouse. He is a very self aware guy, and well worth listening to, including his own cautions about how we treat his posts.
HA's wife was not left for many years, he was not unfaithful, he understood the degree of hurt he inflicted on his children by his self centred and irresponsible behaviour, and he 'got it'. Many of us here are dealing with people probably even more damaged [if the degree of damage is any indicator of the length of the MLC], or at least less self aware.
HA's old posts are insightful, but they are not the grail. Each of us has to walk through this in our own way, and not all of the WAS make it through the tunnel, and that is not our fault. Snodderly's husband never did, and if anyy woman knows how to handle a MLCer it is her!
Each of us has to walk through this in our own way, and not all of the WAS make it through the tunnel, and that is not our fault. Snodderly's husband never did, and if anyy woman knows how to handle a MLCer it is her!
Not sure I agree with this fact. Although she could answer better than anyone.
I think he took so long to finish and caused so much damage that she was just at a different place in her life. I do not think she wanted him back but thats just by what I have read on these boards.
Beatrice, You are quite right! Dear old Rip is still sleeping in the tunnel after all of these years. He's still doing the "one more time" activities of his youth and I hope he doesn't kill himself trying to be the young lad one more time. Still a dreamer and has never woken up. Still doesn't quite get it that divorce means separation in all areas of life, etc. Still running from the reflection of the man he once was in the mirror and continues to self-medicate along the way.
Lance, You are also quite right as well. He did a lot of damage that could not be repaired and I did make up my mind after the second runaway that I had had enough. That decision saved my sanity because I had to remain focused in all areas of my life that were under attack by him. I never held out any hope that he would ever return because of the type of personality he had prior to entering the tunnel. The length of his crisis had absolutely nothing to do with my decision early on to move on and protect the assets and my sanity. Survival was the game I had to win by my own wits for this man was one irrational person during the first 2 years of the deep crisis.
I can honestly say that I have had no regrets for my decision and am quite happy with the way my life has turned out. I've made many new and wonderful friends, I travel and I am closer to my family more than ever. There were a couple of things I learned along the way...how to dig deeper for patience and to have more compassion for others. It's been a learning experience that I would not trade for anything in the world, i.e., a real eye opener.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
