I think it's all about finding a balance during a very chaotic time.
For the first year of my situation I had a horrid IC that just let me talk and cry away. I joined another web site that did lots of hand holding and followed the "bo peep" philosophy. All that did was help me fall apart more. And make no mistake about it, I fell apart something big.
I understand, as we all do, the amount of pain, shock and emotional chaos we feel when our spouses leave us. It is mind bending and nothing other than a death can even come close to the turmoil we feel. Eventually though somebody has to shake the crap out of you or else you will get more sick, more hurt and get in a hole that is NOT easy to get out of.
My "shaker" was called Annie. Her H had emotionally abused her just as my H was doing to me. And she was tough on me but without her initial stance with me I might still be rocking in the corner.
This is all so multi layered - the emotional trauma, the legal process, the financial burden. And some have it worse than others. For the people that have an easy legal divorce I envy you. But for those of us that don't we need a different kind of support. I would rather saw off my own head than have another legal battle like I had.
So you pick and choose who can provide you with the kind of support you need. I couldn't think for a long time because I was a mess. I needed somebody to get me started. We all do.
I certainly would not turn to somebody who has never been on the receiving end of infidelity for support as how could they possible know? Everybody needs something different.
So you have to wonder... is it being bullied or taking advantage of the time and effort people give to get you started in a new direction? No bullying going on here within the MEMBERS.
Nobody really stops to think that it is NOT easy to keep reading and reliving such pain all the time. And yes, it's a choice to do so but paying it forward is not optional IMO.
