Coach other vets- Help w/Listen...How can I help?

[Ready2Change]

Maybe I can explain with an example.

I've been fighting with Dr's & insurance companies for months on an ER visit for D14. Let's say I've been on the phone trying to work this out for 30 minutes. H happens to call just as I'm hanging up with them. He can tell I'm upset, he asks what about. I explain it to him. He can reply two ways.

One, (the way my H used to) he reminds me they're just doing their job, & that they have rules & regulations they have to follow & that he's sure it will all work out. Now I'm pissed at H.

Second way of responding (the way he tries to now) He gets pissed at THEM, with me. He takes my side. He tells me how unreasonable they're being & that he can't believe the idiots still have jobs. Now, he's on my side. I feel validated, supported, & understood. He & I laugh after a few minutes, we talk about other things & we hang up. I feel better after talking to him, than I did before. Get it ?

Now, apply it to your R. She's pissed at you. Do you point out you're just doing your job, you have policies & procedures, you're a man & that's how you work ? Or, so you say "gee, I never quite saw it that way, I'll think about what you're saying". You didn't say she's right & you're a total loser. You didn't disagree. You just validated & heard her.

THEN when the R is back on good, solid ground. You can equalize the power & start having agree/disagree conversations. They won't become fights (hopefully) because she knows that you have established a pattern of hearing & validating her in the past.