Do you feel that a few of the veterans on this site (myself included definitely) push advice down your throats?
Absolutely not.
I observed lots of advice to seek the truth. More advise to bring influential people the truth. I believe that the truth will set you free. I was too week to search the truth....I can see the truth with hind sight.
Regards,
Little Poo Peep
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I haven't posted in a while but I think that the advice that I got here and going out and BUYING the MWD books are the reasons that I am still married and not divorced. You can't have one without the other. I never needed to contact a DB coach b/c I was lucky and my WAW saw the paridigm shift and agreed to work on us together. Thanks to Greek, Coach, Ready2Change, and others for giving me the words and getting me to a place that would have taken me much longer to reach on my own through 2X4's and all.
M 36 W 35 T 12 M 11 S3 A S or D? on the way
"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." Solomon Ibn Gabriol
I've read this and RE-read this, and still can't figure out where someone like Coach went wrong. Even the other authors he cited, he SOURCED, and usually just included a LINK to them, but I guess we're supposed to just go by our personal emotions and feelings, and not any actual RESOURCES. Sheesh.
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I was never bullied. But then there was no infidelity involved.
I do think I have seen posters bullied, but that's for them to decide, not me.
I agree with Mr. Bond though, though I may be in the minority. I think that when the emphasis becomes busting the affair there is a very good chance that even if there is "success" in the short term, if you have moved all of your focus there, and not on how you got there, it's most likely temporary, and if you are not working on yourself, you are probably going to end up back where you were.
And there have been successes doing it the "DB" way. AliSuddenly and Kalni that I can think of right away. There's no one-size fits all for any situation, and some "vets" strongly seem to suggest that there is. I have no real doubt that in some cases the affair busting approach is the best. Equally, I have no doubt that in some cases it is absolutely not.
(By the way, despite appearances, I've been around a while. If you know me, you know who I am.)
I think it's all about finding a balance during a very chaotic time.
For the first year of my situation I had a horrid IC that just let me talk and cry away. I joined another web site that did lots of hand holding and followed the "bo peep" philosophy. All that did was help me fall apart more. And make no mistake about it, I fell apart something big.
I understand, as we all do, the amount of pain, shock and emotional chaos we feel when our spouses leave us. It is mind bending and nothing other than a death can even come close to the turmoil we feel. Eventually though somebody has to shake the crap out of you or else you will get more sick, more hurt and get in a hole that is NOT easy to get out of.
My "shaker" was called Annie. Her H had emotionally abused her just as my H was doing to me. And she was tough on me but without her initial stance with me I might still be rocking in the corner.
This is all so multi layered - the emotional trauma, the legal process, the financial burden. And some have it worse than others. For the people that have an easy legal divorce I envy you. But for those of us that don't we need a different kind of support. I would rather saw off my own head than have another legal battle like I had.
So you pick and choose who can provide you with the kind of support you need. I couldn't think for a long time because I was a mess. I needed somebody to get me started. We all do.
I certainly would not turn to somebody who has never been on the receiving end of infidelity for support as how could they possible know? Everybody needs something different.
So you have to wonder... is it being bullied or taking advantage of the time and effort people give to get you started in a new direction? No bullying going on here within the MEMBERS.
Nobody really stops to think that it is NOT easy to keep reading and reliving such pain all the time. And yes, it's a choice to do so but paying it forward is not optional IMO.
People may say the right thing, but not in the right way or more importantly not at the right time. Right time for THEM, not the A, not the M. Unfortunately when it is the right time for them to listen, the time slot for their M may be missed. Veterans know that. And they are eager to help on time.Sometimes it feels like watching your kid ready to burn its fingers, wanting to stop it. IMHO, some times things went overboard, not with me personally, but I read posts that did sound a bit "intimitading". And I was wondering whether the issue was to help newcomers or to prove they were right. Someone mentioned ego. Maybe that was what I read.
Although I do have a thick skin and know how to filter things, there are some wounded people so vulnerable that take advice and use it hoping one size does fit all. And they will fail.
I havent felt bullied, ever here. I love robx's posts, steve's,coach's, puppy's and of many more veterans that I cant name now. But they do have different styles. And different styles fit different listeners.
BUT, in no way, anything that came to my attention was/is an excuse for what is happening with the mods lately.
And being around here for almost 3 years, I feel totally disrespected by the lack of communication between the forum's operators and us members. It is ridiculous.
