New here, been lurking in the shadows for about a month. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible, but it won't easy. This is a repost of my first attempt on the infidelity board. Childhood sweethearts Me 51 W 52,known each other for 39yrs, now married for 29 yrs, 3 "adult children" 2 S'S ages 23&25, D 21. All living at home. Order of events(excuses,reasons for my sitch); 2001- Best friend commits suicide, I take this hard and begin to self medicate with beer and wine. At the same time the small business I manage is in trouble and I fear losing everything we worked for the last 15 yrs. During the same period my wife tells me she is lonely and needs more attention from me, I respond with "I don't have time for you right now", (words to eat later) 2002- W's father passes away, MIL moves in with us part time th,fri,sat,sun. We soon find out FIL had a secret,MIL is addicted to booze and pills, home life is turning into living hell for all. MIL will not get help, I suspect this was going on with her for 20 yrs. 2005- Middle son now 18 has a horrific car accident and is in a coma for 3 mos. He has to be moved to a special hospital approx 150 mi away. We see him every weekend, W is able to see a few days during the week now and then. 6 mos. go by and he returns home ,can not walk or talk, w has to sleep with him because he cannot be left alone. Diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury among other serious complications. By now I am withdrawn from both my family and friends. 2007- MIL has a heart attack and is recovering in a nursing home, she will not be coming home.(sad to say but this is a good thing) Things are settling down until eldest son approaches us with a new problem,he has been addicted to oxycodone since he was 16, now 22. We get him help, and is now doing alot better. 2008- W moves out of our bedroom says I keep her up to late and she does not want to wake me up early in the morning. She starts work 2 hrs. before me. She is losing weight and hanging around with new friends from work. Sometimes they go out for a few , girls night out. She seems distant, being the genious I am I assume menopause may be the reason and I'll just give her some space. Spending more time with sons and getting to know them, always was closer with my daughter. Family life improving, not drinking as much anymore. 2010- Son with TBI is able to speak and walk somewhat and is taking a course in college. (believe in miracles)
Feb.2010 on a ride alone together from the drug store w stops at the entry to our driveway and has tears in her eyes. I ask whats wrong and she replies she thinks ILYBNILWY. Now granted we have not been close over the last 8 yrs while running a hospital/nuthouse and had issues in 2001 that where not addressed due to the chaos,but I was not ready for this. I am devastated by this conversation. I ask if there is someone else and she said no. I tell her we will work on this and I am not going to give up on 40 yrs with the only person I ever loved. Now this probably sounded strange to her, because my actions in the recent past where at times insensitve, rude and uncaring. Anyway she agrees that we have to work on our marriage and life goes on, still not returning to our room though. (more menopause hormones I think)
She does not come home sat night 7/26/10, never in our lives has this happened. I wake up 4 am and repeatedly call her cell, no answer. She finally comes home at 8 am. She says she was playing cards with her friends and it got to late and decided to sleep there instead of driving. Also she lost her cell phone in her car, found it that afternoon. I'm upset, I tell her I don't know these people and she should have found someway to call us so we did not worry. Now it takes a son with a TBI to tell me, Dad if these are such good friends why don't we ever see them, why doesn't mom ever have them over. Confront her on that Mon after work, she admits to A with a coworker, I am destroyed. I have heard his name before, as a very good friend, EA for 4 yrs didn't turn PA until 12/09 when his divorce was final. I didn't even know he was married. She is glad she doesn't have to lie to me anymore W says she loves me like a father or brother, but not as a lover/husband anymore. That hurt worse than finding out about the A. This is so out of character for her, she is the most honest,caring thoughtful person anyone would know, very easy to love. W says pa only a few times (who knows)I don't know what to believe anymore. What role did this play in the destruction of his marriage? He is 48 with 2 children S8 and D14., only allowed to see them 2 weekends a month.
Prayed and told God I surrender and need help. This is one problem I cannot solve alone,found a IC that Fri. Pursued alot first month (mistake I know) She is sill home trying to sort things out,she thought I didn't love her anymore and I would have been happy if she left. My reaction to the whole thing has got her very confused. She says she is dealing with anger, guilt and shame. She is having a hard time dealing with OM, because he will be all alone,doesn't want to hurt anyone and works with him. (very limited contact I think). This is hard for me, all my family is deceased and I have only a few close friends,I did not tell them anything yet. As far as GAL, the only thing I can think of is spending more time with my kids. They told me they want to stay with me if we split up.(w is shocked by this) My family I think saw me as a cold,strong,and emotionless person until now.
We are in limbo now , w is still in a fog, she says she wants to stay with her family, but is still distant at times. She says I need to patient and needs time. I guess I should be happy she never left home like so many others. I am reading both DB and DR, something tells me this is going to be the longest/ most difficult battle in life I will face. I apologize if this sounded like a venting session,thanks for listening. Any comments, advice or thoughts would be appreciated.
