Finding My Way

[courageous wife]

CW, I don't know whats worse. Stressing over money or stressing over H being furious with me and possibly ruining chances of a reconciliation.

It has taken me awhile to get past this fear myself but this is about YOU and your DS now...that is all you need to worry about...your H is on his own....

[Mystik]

CW, I do still see an IC. Not sure any progress has been made though.

I did my best to hold back the tears, but it wasn't enough. DS figured out I was crying even though I tried to lie and tell him I wasn't. Don't know if H knows it from seeing my face, but I didn't speak to him so he couldn't hear it in my voice.

Cried the drive home. Still crying now. Whore was with him, they were picking up her brat at the same time H was getting DS. Not sure how/when he is getting DS back to me. But I'm already dreading the manner in which DS comes home.

This mess is all wrong. It shouldn't be like this.

[CityGirl]

Hi Mystik,

I have not posted in this forum in some time. I saw the word "Mystic" on tv the other day and thought of you so I wanted to check in for an update.

I saw this from a place of concern. While the issues surrounding my WAS and legal separation differ from yours I can relate on a very deep level to the emotional trauma you are experiencing.

Have you considered seeking in patient treatment?

Despite your visits with an IC, your medication and the support and advice you get here (which you don't follow at all) it seems you simply have not moved forward at all. Please note I did not say "move ON"... I said "move FORWARD".

As you may have read from my previous postings I was hospitalized when my level of depression, panic and anxiety reached a point of really no return. The battle I was fighting stemmed from my H walking out, emotionally abusing me, a *very* long and drawn out legal case (as you know I also live in NY and the system here is tough) along with a very grave lupus flare.

I simply could not get it together despite the fact I had amazing family support, outstanding friends, an IC that is top notch and a team of superb doctors treating my lupus. My depression and anxiety reached a point where I had not left my house in days and spent 12-15 hours a day pacing around my house unable to breath or function. My stress, anxiety and depression had reached a point where the *only* place I felt remotely safe was curled up on a tiny ottoman that I put in my back hallway.

While the lupus didn't help - I had lost about 50% of the hair on my head, I weighed under 100 pounds (yes, I am tiny to begin with but not THAT tiny) and my kidney function had rapidly decreased to a very dangerous place. My immune system collapsed.

I tried to be strong and "normal" and I thought I was hiding the hell I was living in. I wasn't. My mom came over one day unannounced and stood in my doorway and told me I could hate her for the rest of my life but I had two choices. Choice one was to get in the car and go see my doctor at once. Choice two was get in the car and go to the hospital. She was calm and loving when she said this and let me know that if I did not comply my step father and brother in law were waiting to physically carry me out of my home.

It was extreme and it sounds dramatic but it was really very calm. In a way I was relieved. I had been living in that hell for almost 1.5 years. I was weak in every way. My body and mind were broken. I was glad somebody had a plan because I just couldn't pretend anymore.

That day changed my life. My primary dr (who I have seen since I have been 18 years old) was amazing. She sat and talked with us for hours and at 8pm called a psych friend of hers. This man left his home and went to his office and opened it up just for me.

I wasn't put on the "psych ward" or labeled crazy. I did need help though. Lots of it. And you do too.

See - once you stop obsessing about your H and his new life and once you stop obsessing about being pregnant you can refocus what needs to happen FOR YOU.

You have reached a point where all the GAL's and 180's in the world won't help you (although from what I have followed in your postings you don't put much effort in that area). I also know when you are so mentally beat down the idea of walking outside seems traumatic.

If you are anything like I was all the "advice" to workout or eat better or make lists or go out and have fun is almost MORE hurtful. I do believe such advice is doled out from a place of care and concern. For those that have never been in a place of extreme emotional trauma though it's hard to understand.

I still have deep scars on my hands from my the handle of my dogs leash. During the very worst time I was so terrified to go outside I actually had to duct tape her leash to my hand because I decided if I didn't do that she would run away. And to somebody that has never experienced such a deep level of mental anguish they just don't understand how terrifying it is just to step outside. I can remember the days of sitting on my sofa sobbing because I was filled with anxiety the idea of walking down the street terrified me to my core.

In most cases this is not something you can handle on your own. And I don't say that because you are not smart or anything like that. I say that because your level of obsession, anxiety and depression is clinical and your brain is now "re-wired" to accept this as normal.

With the help of a very trained person you can (and will) teach your brain to be different. And I can tell you it's no easy road. If I can do it so can you.

I look back to what I can remember about those times and I really don't know how I survived. It was like living in a hell that I cannot describe but I have a feeling you sort of understand where I am coming from.

Your poor son is carrying such a burden to make sure his mom is okay and to try and figure out where he fits in with his dad's new family and baby. You can't control what goes on at your H's house but you can control what goes on in your house. Give you son some relief. He needs it now more than ever. But you have to get well first.

This is not about positive thinking (which is important) but I understand when you are this traumatized it's just not something you can do in your current state. The lack of rational thinking often leads to obsessions and I think we all can agree you have an obsession with your H, pregnancy and him coming home.

Nobody in my life gave up on me (and I mean the people that truly care about me) so I won't give up on you. But you really do have to get help. I want you to have a better life and I know what it feels like to have NO idea how to get better. To be so scared and riddled with depression and anxiety you can't even see straight or function. And you are not functioning - you are barely existing.

All I can say is I hope you take some steps to change your life. While my life is not perfect and I still deal with good bits of anxiety from time to time my life is now BETTER.

For me, this was almost three years in the making. It's not a rapid process. Please do keep in mind though it is a process and every process needs a starting point.

Give yourself the gift of getting well. Like I said - if *I* can do it then anybody can.

[Mystik]

For the most part I am able to function. I get to work, might not be on time, but I do get there. I make sure DS gets his homework done, has dinner, etc. I bathe regularly and do laundry weekly. Sure, the place gets cluttered but I don't have piles of rotting food all over. It's just clean clothes (I hate folding laundry) and DS's toys everywhere.

I have been trying to do more things. Took DS trick or treating last weekend, did some grocery shopping. But yes, for the most part I'm not interested in doing too much outside the home.

Weekends are the worst. I don't have work to distract me and am left to my own thoughts, not a happy place to be.

Everyone tells me "Do this, do that, don't do this, don't do that" but I don't know how I am supposed to do or not do anything. H is all I know, without him I feel so completely lost and alone.

My system is already out of whack when it comes to anxiety levels, I had such high anxiety levels as a kid from my step-father being mean to me and all the bullies at school my brain does think the heightened anxiety levels are normal. Thing is I don't feel anxious, just perpetually heavy sadness with random flickers of lightness. I may have a day or two where I'm not completely down, but they don't last long.

[Mystik]

Had horrible dreams about H last night. Dreamt he and I were living with DS in my mom's house, then he moved Whore and It into the upstairs bedroom and started to stay up there with them, leaving me and DS alone downstairs. Dreamt we argued about Whore and then another time about the money he owes me. Just overall a rough night following a rough day.

It seems all I want to do is sleep. I'll start to fall asleep at 9, make it to bed at 10 and sleep until after 8 the next morning. When DS was with his father yesterday I spent almost the entire time sleeping and was still ready for bed at 9.

Right now I'm supposed to be at work. But instead I'm still home, getting ready to shower. When I really want to just crawl back into my bed and sleep the day away.

[Mystik]

Yesterday by the time it came to pick up DS I was just so drained emotionally, which made me feel drained physically. I am still a bit drained today.

[courageous wife]

Is just functioning the way you want to live right now?

For the most part I am able to function. I get to work, might not be on time, but I do get there. I make sure DS gets his homework done, has dinner, etc. I bathe regularly and do laundry weekly.

This doesn't sound good

Right now I'm supposed to be at work. But instead I'm still home,

And niether does this

It seems all I want to do is sleep

This

H is all I know, without him I feel so completely lost and alone.

is so sad Mystik! I think this is where you need to start.

[Kimmie Lee]

For the most part I am able to function. I get to work, might not be on time, but I do get there. I make sure DS gets his homework done, has dinner, etc. I bathe regularly and do laundry weekly. Sure, the place gets cluttered but I don't have piles of rotting food all over. It's just clean clothes (I hate folding laundry) and DS's toys everywhere.

I have been trying to do more things. Took DS trick or treating last weekend, did some grocery shopping. But yes, for the most part I'm not interested in doing too much outside the home.

Weekends are the worst. I don't have work to distract me and am left to my own thoughts, not a happy place to be.

Everyone tells me "Do this, do that, don't do this, don't do that" but I don't know how I am supposed to do or not do anything. H is all I know, without him I feel so completely lost and alone.

My system is already out of whack when it comes to anxiety levels, I had such high anxiety levels as a kid from my step-father being mean to me and all the bullies at school my brain does think the heightened anxiety levels are normal. Thing is I don't feel anxious, just perpetually heavy sadness with random flickers of lightness. I may have a day or two where I'm not completely down, but they don't last long.

You don't "know how?" Posters here have been advising "how" but you just keep talking them out of it.

You can't live in a dream about how you would like things to be, you have to live with the reality of what is now.

[sgctxok]

Mystik...try two things, and force yourself to do them for 5 minutes each.

Walk around hunchbacked and frown.

Walk around standing straight, and smile.

How do you feel each time?

Your actions affect your feelings. Do the positive things, and it will affect your feelings. So...trust your actions, not your feelings.

In other words...you don't have to feel like doing something to do it. Your feelings will lie to you. But...if you perform the right actions, you will feel better.

[sgctxok]

btw...this thread is too large, please start a new one.