Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

Interesting weekend. H didn't have to close on Saturday night so he wanted to come over after his shift (around 11pm). At first I was fine with it but then I started not feeling too good. I was going to tell him not to come, but then he was already on his way. It worked out tho. We had some really interesting conversation. I can't even remember it all exactly, but a few things I do remember. 1) H saying something about how it was weird that we have a lot of the same ideas (about business, kids, etc). Mostly true. Although I think H's ideas are more in theory than in practice. 2) H commenting how he still really doesn't have any guy friends & how he can't stand to be around people who are cheaters. (ie, he was telling me this story on how he went to this b-day dinner for a friend and that's guy's g/f was making googly eyes at that guys best friend! Another story about a server's H who would come in to the new place & flirt with the other servers! How uncomfortable!) 3) Then something about him just being blunt & honest, b/c when you lie, it's too hard to keep your story straight. (true, so where was this philosophy with OW1, OW2, & OW3?) 4) We talked a lot about his parents & their affect on him (them not having a good R). 5) Talking about his issues & the fact that he needs to follow up with the scan Dr. I'm sure I'm not writing it as good or even including everything, but it was all just really interesting talk. I didn't want to go to sleep (despite not feeling good) b/c I didn't want the conversation to stop. I feel like the new place has forced him to grow up and mature and even his talk seems more sensible, but on the other hand, i still have to take it all with a grain of salt. For starters, is this just one of his "temporary" moods, or is it real change? Also, although it all sounded genuine, is it?

So all that was good. The next morning (Sunday), S and I went to church and H stayed home and slept. I don't know how we are going to overcome the religion issue. It's hard for me to make an argument in order to make him get up with the hours he works tho. Before I left tho, I had a painful reminder. That morning when he checked his phone, he had a text one of the servers around closing time the previous night. It said "Call me. It's really important". Now realistically, with his idiotic uncles closing the place that night, there was prob an issue with them (they were drunk or something), but it just brought up feelings in me that I still really don't trust H and I definitely don't trust any of the servers. This particular girl, I met briefly the other day and she is the head bartender, does scheduling, etc. She seemed nice, but a little on the thick side (chubby). I only mention this b/c in general, H is very visual and has commented before how he could never date a fat chick. (however, I now don't just assume looks as a rule out b/c that is what got me with OW2 - she was kind of a homely looking girl, so I automatically excluded her from OW material. My mistake!) So I'm sure that text was just what it was - the head bartender needing help from H to deal with his idiotic uncles (+ b/c he told he about it too), but still, like I said, it brought up a lot of bad feeings in me and reminded me that their are still alot of issues to overcome. If we move forward, somehow, I'm going to have to learn to trust him again.

One last note, as the anniversary of H taking OW2 to Vegas comes up here, I've been fighting off some reminent of hurt feelings. But I've also been able to find the positive in it. I'm coming to believe that whatever happened that trip became a turning point that got H to get help (guilt or whatever). I remember when we met up for lunch the day after he got back (unknown to me at that point), that there was a weird sad look in his eyes. It was then that I first brought up me scheduling the scan for him & he agreed! I remember the excitedment I felt! I don't think that if he hadn't gotten to that low & realized how far he had fallen that he actually went out like that with OW2,that he would have agreed. Sometimes you just have to hit rock bottom & maybe I have OW2 to thank for that. Maybe just maybe everything happens for a reason. I just hope to find some more hope and just find a way to save my family!