Not much was happening which explains my lack of posting. Until this weekend...I had plans Saturday night, H came to the house to stay with the kids. I came in rather early at 12 a.m. H commented on the fact that he thought I would have been later than that. I went upstairs to go to bed and woke at about 2 or 3 a.m. to H walking around downstairs, going out the back door and coming back inside...I went downstairs to see what was up and he was crying, saying he doesn't belong here and was going to leave. I didn't really say anything and he called me about 5 mins after he left, crying, depressed about his life, doesn't know who he is. The call was about 20 mins long, I just listened. He texted me at 6 a.m. saying "I'm sorry for what I've done...you deserve better"
Then he texts me last night after the kids were already in bed, saying he is sorry that he was drunk (he was at someone's birthday party) and didn't call the kids" Then he texted me at 1 a.m. telling me "Long night...I'm safe...sorry"
I get into work today to find this email that he sent me around 2 a.m. last night:
"again I sit here late at night... having slept an hour over the past 60+ hours... I am exhausted physically beyond belief and mentally, well I am gone... I ask myself what is wrong with me... what did I do to deserve this... not what is going on with us but my whole life in general...I think about the past and I have nightmares, I think about the future and I am fckg scared...even worse I think about the present and realize I have nobody, I have nothing and I am out of strength... What has made me strong in the past now makes me very week. where there was hope lay open dreams that will remain unfulfilled...so many look to me for strength and guidance yet I have nothing to offer to myself...I feel the cold concrete beneath my feet and realize that is my bed... I look at those beautiful pictures of my children and am scared to think about what they think of me... I am 41 I have no family, no true friends to count on, a business that is failing,I'm in debt up to the top of my head,basically I have nothing and am a fckng loser, yet it is expected of me to provide for my children, run my business, answer questions from friends and colleagues, pay off the debt and somehow stay sane and strong... well it aint happening... All I have ever wanted was to be loved for who I am...I have come to the conclusion that that will never happen...the question is what do i do... and the answer well I dont know... I would like to say that someday I will see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it would end up being a train that would run me over...."
