Well I did it. We "talked" last night I told her some of they things you all have been advising. I said I couldn't respect myself living like roommates while she carries on the EA. I emphasized that the EA constitutes an open marriage, and I will not live in an open marriage. I said she needs to sever all contact and no trip to see OM. She said that's not going to happen. Than I suggested she move out. She seemed panicked at first but "reasoned" she needed time. She said "I have nothing, I've got to have time". I said take all the time you need. She's also panicked that I'll tell the kids and make her out to be the "Bad guy". I backed off a little and said when the time comes we'll just tell them we can't live together anymore. Which is going to puzzle them because we're not the "fighting spouses"; we've been "roommates" for a couple of year failing to communicate our needs and obviously not having them met. Remember, they really do adore, and it pains me to deprive them of her. She pressed on the time issue, clearly unintending to divert from her "escape" plan. So I said I maybe could handle it a year or two, and she suggested until D16 graduates. I might have wavered (read screwed up) there with a mixed message. I'm going to have to make no uncertain terms regarding open marriage till D16 graduates. I wonder what my coache will say about all this. Session this afternoon. What do you guys think? Need support, I'm feeling like I just slit my wrists.
Look for what it's worth you were kind of the right track.
But then you blew it being all melty man and stuff.
When you told her to stop contacting the OM and no trip to see him and she told you that it's not going to happen, that was her being confident, that was her saying to you "F!@#$% you, I'll do what I please, thank you very much!" and that part was expected, no worries.
When you suggested she move out, that was the monkey wrench in her plans, do you see it? She didn't expect that part. She expects you to be the scared person, afraid to lose her, you've done this for a while already so she expects you to be the scared spouse fighting, pleading, begging to get her back and we all know that never works.
So you did the opposite of that.
You told her that she should move out.
Whoa?!
That wasn't part of your wife's master plan.
She's thinking "WTF?! I have to move out? He's telling me I have to move out if I continue my affair with the OM? I'm not ready for that, I like my fantasy life that you've been enabling me to have all this time, I don't know what to do now!"
Cue the panic scene.
Your response should have been, "Yes you need to move out, did you think I was going to live like this forever, it's disrespectful to me, you're my wife and you want to be with another man, fine be with him, I want you to be with him because I don't want to be with you anymore and part of that requires you moving out since you're the one having the affair. This is my decision based on your actions, I deserve better than this and I don't want this open marriage room mate crap anymore. You can have a few weeks to find an apartment and get your stuff packed up and moved out, I'll help you pack if you need some help."
That's the response.
You see you have to understand what makes people change.
What prompted you to start making changes, to seek out the db website, to start improving your behaviors (actually I wouldn't call what you've done so far improving but you will get there), what prompted you to kiss her butt, to be beg, plead, pursue and want her back?
Think about it, what motivated you? Was it love? No. You would like to believe that but it wasn't love, at least not primarily.
The one thing that motivated you to change, to act, to get your wife back was.....
Fear.
Fear of Loss.
Crisis.
It's the only thing that gets most people to change. That's human nature, you can hum and haw all you want about it but that's the fact, plain and simple.
You need to create fear of loss with her.
But not in an a$$hole type way either.
"Wife I've been thinking about our discussion yesterday, I've decided that there is no way I can live for another year or two with you in this way, it's just not a healthy way to live. I can't live in the same house with my wife while she is actively pursuing an affair with another man, because now I don't want to be with you either, I've finally woken up to this idea. You should be with him, I want you to be with him. But I can't live with you anymore and since you started this process with the other man, you need to leave and a year or two won't cut it. You need to start looking for another place to live ASAP, I'll give you a month, maybe two at the most. I'll help you pack and move over as well. Also we will tell the kids that we are getting a divorce, and YOU not I will tell them that you are involved with another man because I will not be the bad guy in this situation, you will take responsibility for your actions and I have no issues about you feeling guilty, that is your cross to bear with them, not mine. I will be civil during this process but that is my decision, I can't go back to doing what I've been doing all this time, I can't believe I've been so stupid and foolish to allow this to continue for as long as it has. We will talk to the kids today after school."
And then walk away, leave her be and don't get into an argument, let her blab away until she is blue in the face, you remain silent, maintain eye contact during her spew and then walk away, go to work, go in another room, whatever it is you need to do.
Let her deal with the consequences of her actions, there must be consequences for actions, otherwise we risk letting people walk all over us and my friend, that is what you have enabled up to this point and it's time for you to change the situation if you want different results.
Just my 0.02 cents on this.
Do what works, stop complaining about what doesn't work.
