I think I am about to write a post that will not please people! Before I begin, I will say that I fully endorse aything that Snodderly and others have said about the horrible place that these MLCers are in, and how deep is their pain and suffering. BUT, and it is a big but, none of this justifies the way that we have been treated. I do not think of myself as a victim, but until we all take on board the fact that, for whatever reason our spouses have behaved really, really badly, we may well respond inappropriately. I think we are sometimes encouraged to over correct. We are human, warts and all, and while we all want to be the best people we can, we are not saints
Yes, we probably became complacent to some extent and also many of us became somewhat co-dependent. Yes, if we want them to return we probably have to continue to deal with more bad behaviour on their part until they face up to what they did and who they became. Our complacency is regrettable, although understandable, but you deal with that by having a long talk with your spouse, not by running off, abandoning your spouose and children, and in many cases reducing them to dire financial straits. Our children did not deserve the treatment that most MLCers give them. The notion that if they were 'better' kids the parent would not have left is a pernicious one that survives with many children whose parents have divorced
This is what we have decided to overlook. Doesn't mean it didn't happen.
I am not saying that there weren't things we needed to fix in ourselves and our marriage, but if I am honest our marriage was better than most, and in his rare moments of lucidity my husband acknowledges how happy he was.
The main problem lies with them. They are screwed up and incapable of an adult relationship with anyone - look at the women they run off with. Your husbands are somewhat ahead of mine in that they want some sort of relationship, but they have a LOT of work to do on themselves.
Do not make them the centre of your life at present. Detach and be kind, as there is still pain there. Only they can deal with it, and only they can fix themselves. Please continue to have clear boundaries. Yes, be the woman that no man would want to leave, although I find that a slightly strange concept. But don't put yourself through hoops. You are amazing women with great integrity who have been extremely badly treated.
My husband has handled his very long MLC somewhat differently from many here. He was a runner, and I had little contact (I mean that I have seen him only a few times in the past 5 years, and spoken intermittently on the phone. Most of the early contact was him being very very abusive. We can go for over a year without any kind of contact) but every now and again [3 or 4 times] he comes almost completely out of MLC, is almost his old self for a short period, and tells me a lot of stuff about what it is like, and how sorry he is, and then rushes back into MLC.
I spent a great deal of time beating myself up about it and thinking I had somehow done something 'wrong' I now realise I didn't. He wasn't cooked.
I thnk when and if they are cooked we will know. They will start to deal with their issues. My h still has this overwhelming need to be right - I think it is part of the fragile and rigid MLC persona.
Contact with people who are still somewhat in MLC is disturbing, and it destablizes us. They aren't acting normally, and we should not take responsibility for how they behave. We didn't 'make' them do anything, at any stage. it is a clear sign of an abusive personality to claim another person 'made' you do something, or to persuade someone that their behaviour is your fault.
Cas has it right about behaving with authenticity, but we shouldn't have to agonize about what is authentic. Authentic is what is normal. This treading on eggshells is what I am very very familiar with, and am not prepared to do anymore. On and off I have been doing it for about 7 years. It is no basis for a long term relationship with anyone, friend, spouse or child
I hope I haven't offended anyone here, but we are all the type of person who tends to take responsibility for things. We have done that, and kept the show on the road. We want our spouses sane and whole, and it doesn't happen overnight I think they are looking for a sense of self worth in us, typically the OW doesn't have this. Tolerating bad behaviour isn't doing anyone any favours. As I understand it towards the end of MLC we handle things a bit differently, and are the person we want to be in our future relationsihp, if it comes to pass.
HeartsBlessing has said that if they return too soon, or try to, they will run again. They need to complete their crisis and finally face up to all they have done. It is horrific and explains why so many linger out there for such a long time.
