H's MLC - he is still lost but I found myself

[Mila]

Thank you SA, Lance & Twink

Everyone seems to think that I shouldn't defend myself and just let it go....If I don't respond wouldn't he think that I agree with his accusations? Twink you are right, I should edit it down more.

Lance you ask what would I want the letter to accomplish...I guess him not to think that I'm unreasonable, that I'm trying to hurt him and that I'm using our D against him.....:(

[Mila]

Hi Dudess -

Wow thank you for digging my old post out....I forgot about that incident

That was amazing that he actually apologized....one of very few in the last year and half.....now he is going through his "attack stage" again.....I did send him a reply to the latest one....I don't expect any apologies.

I do know where this issue with coming to the house anytime he wants to comes from.....that's the arrangement OW has....she can go in anytime and spend as much time as she wants to....while her H is at work. He lets her. So she is probably feeding him how unreasonable I'm, that I have no right to do this, that I'm using D against him and preventing him from seeing her. I'm pretty sure these are her words....making me the bad one...and he is eating it up hook, line and sinker....

[Mila]

Pulled out some statements from H's last email.....

I can’t see my daughter because of you

You think you have a right to use D against me... To hurt me

You think that you are perfectly justified...

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO DO THIS!

YOU ARE SO INCREDIBLY UNREASONABLE!!

Because of some issue YOU have I can’t be there!?

Wow that's lot of blame in one email...isn't it?

This article explains it a bit

Always Putting the Blame on Others. For some people, the first reaction to a problem is to find someone to blame. Blaming is a defense mechanism to avoid taking personal responsibility for the situation. The blamer rapidly finds fault in the other person and criticizes them. People who blame others or situations without taking responsibility for their contribution to the problem never get the sense of satisfaction of growth. By refusing to see their own errors, they lose the opportunity to change the very aspects of themselves that keep them stuck.

[LanceSijan]

Lance you ask what would I want the letter to accomplish...I guess him not to think that I'm unreasonable, that I'm trying to hurt him and that I'm using our D against him.....:(

So next question is, since he is in MLC,

Do you think that letter will accomplish that goal or will he just have more anger because maybe you are right?

[Mila]

Lance - thank you....of course you are right. I'm hoping some of what I'm saying is going to register but realistically....what ever I say to him won't probably make any difference....It will just make ME feel better that I stood up for myself.

Haven't received any reply...and actually don't expect one....

[glamgirl]

Mila I understand the position you want to take, but honestly your h won't hear what you are trying to say. He can only hear what he thinks you are saying. If that makes sense.

The less you defend yourself or try to explain how much you care for him etc the better off you will be.

Sometime the best response is SILENCE! I know hard to do at times, but you might want to try that and see if it helps.

The more you say the more your h will continue to run.

[Mila]

Thank you glam...you are right...I just thought that we were past the dark/angry/no communication stage. He seemed much more friendly lately...but also more depressed....yesterday he asked D for links (she takes psychology) to some stress tests that he wanted to take...so he is starting to realize that he needs help and that he is not OK. Six months ago he would flatly refuse to believe that he may be suffering from depression...thought that he was just unhappy being with me and not with OW.

I also really try to maintain positive relationship with him and the communication open as much as I can, since I'm just finishing up the SA and I want him to be reasonable, so we can do it amicably and the second issue is that we are still business partners...so I do want to keep this on a level where we can a least cooperate....so subconsciously I may be trying to defuse things...to placate him when he is angry...to keep it friendly....hard right now

Can't wait until I get a job and sell the house and be on my own. I bet that he wouldn't feel that he can come into my new house anytime he wants to.

[punkin]

Mila,

Just wanted to say you sound strong and confident, and eager to get out there and spread your wings some. Good for you! It is also encouraging that your H is considering some problems of his own he need to face and deal with.

Isn't it strange looking somewhat excitedly at starting over at our age? I was so terrified at first, but now . . . .only see the possibilities.

[Mila]

Thank you Punkin - Thanks for saying that I sound strong and confident....I am, but sorry to say H did upset me in the last few days with his anger directed at me and I've spent way to much time worrying about it LOL.

You are right Punkin...there is certain element of excitement when I think about the future....so many opportunities, so many ways to go....so many possibilities...that excites me...never know maybe I'll find out that being with H was holding me back and that there is a better life for me out there....

Total silence from him yesterday and today...no reply to my e-mail...dah...

I had a lovely day today...had a very nice lunch with a GF....great little place on the waterfront....yummy mussels in coconut milk and cheesecake for desert...mmmmm

...and a really good looking guy starting up a conversation with me ....I'm allowed to look...right? LOL

[glamgirl]

I wouldn't read too much into the stages of MLC they can easily jump back and forth and you just really never know.

There is no reason not to stay friendly and communicative with your h. I was only suggesting not to bother with defending and trying to explain yourself or trying to communicate when clearly your h is upset.

I can tell you I spent way too much time defending my actions, how I felt about my h when in fact it really didn't matter. Drove my h further away, since all he could see was control and chasing him with guilt.

Always think, does this really need to be answered or discussed now. It seems you do really well, when you keep your h in somewhat of suspense or less available to him. It's at these times he is nice and wants to know what you are up to.