Darker days ahead

[25yearsmlc]

One last thing I wanted to note, before signing out and off...you actually wrote me, "Why don't you try to ask the right questions?"

Wow. What a remarkable question you asked. Almost as if I owe you the "right" questions? I don't. But why don't you make it easier for us/me to help YOU? (And Lest we forget, I asked many questions that you have still not answered so I could say, "what's the point?")

But more importantly, do You actually think I've purposely avoided the "right" questions? Or that it matters what TYPE Of question I ask, when you could simply dig deep and figure out what you may need to address about yourself? What kind of game is that? I'm not playing.

As a L, I am a bit of a wordsmith, so I choose my words with precision. You don't need to read into, or guess, what I mean b/c I say what I mean and I mean what I say. That part is easy.

What's with the mystery game? Guessing wastes time and I don't have that much time.

Other people and I are easier to reach. Why? It is simple.
They choose to disclose, they share, and they do it without the excuse (or fear??) of revealing "too much" ...too much what? Too much..."something"...etc. What are you afraid of disclosing now?

If you're worried about something criminal, My advice then would be an adamant HIRE A L!" But I doubt you could shock me with a confession considering I did criminal law for 3 years...

Other clients and people on this site, including ME, have gotten a ton of help from counselors, DB coaches, therapists, and people HERE, some of whom become real friends in real life, but all of them, do open up.
THis isn't cross examination. It's an act of faith and bravery but truly in my case, what did I have to lose by opening up, that I wasn't already going to lose without opening up? If i didn't dig deep and fix ME, I'd lose my 25 yr m, half the time with my kids, and a fortune.

So They or we bravely open up, (anonymously of course) and dig deep, they make changes,& they grow. They become the best people they can become, with some backsliding here and there. But invariably, they become happier people.

As their best selves, the following happens... Sometimes they reconcile like my h and I did, ( And like Brandnewday, Saffli, BobB, and several others who reconciled). Sometimes they grow & are ready for healthier R's with the next person in their life, such as Was2sad, Faithisbelieving, OR austinsmartcookie.

OR the LBSer grows and changes and remarries a new person, and ends up like Bworl who finally, after much heartbreak we all shared with him, happily moved on to a new M, and is a better man than before (his words) and a happier man (his words).

In ANY case, we want to move on as our new best selves. It's ALL up to us. Your life's happiness is ALL within your control. I believe that 100% about myself and others.

That's personal growth, and That's DBing. AND it's hard.

I strongly encourage a few days' workshop so you avoid the "dabbling" of weekly or bi-weekly therapy that can be WONDERFUL and with an excellent IC, and with insights BUT with interruptions from real life. It often leads to slower progress due to interruptions from work, or picking up the kids or mom coming over, etc
Doing a weekened retreat forces us to work THROUGH the problems and solve them, not postpone til next week OR the week after.

FYI, That's NOT an "attack" on therapy. Without therapy I would not have been able to benefit from the workshop retreat. Just a thought.

If you are the one in your M from a different culture (I still don't even know that small but crucially important factor, b/c you never revealed it til recently...& why not?) And both I and my h are 1st generation Americans and it matters. Cultural differences added some color and interest AND friction at times. But I'm not ashamed of it. I never hid it.

Does any of that relate to the religious issues? It did in my sitch. But You made it harder to help you by leaving that out. Even now glossing over it. Might affect his approach to property settlement. Why wouldn't you mention that in all the months of posting here that I saw. Yes I'm frustrated.

Despite your apparent intelligence it does suggest some sort of victimhood or world view that would get you to say something as odd as that I "attacked you" and wanted you "off the DB board b/c you took up too much disk space"
That would really be laugable if it weren't so sad and insecure. How do you get through your days thinking like this? You have to stop the negative tape in your brain but hey, I said that before too.

Like your screen name, you search for AND FIND, a much darker view of the factors in your situation and insist it is "unique" (as in uniquely horrid) and UNsolvable...and "unlike ANY other" situation...the point of this is what? Attention or surrender?

D4, I see those words about every week on this board. Most people Do feel their situations are TOTALLY different than others, and there are always some things that are unique. Hence NOT having a one size fits all approach.


But most of us find it comforting to realize we/they/YOU are NOT alone,and your sitch is not that unique. Doesn't mean you are not special! But the world has seen your very problems before.

Well, I sincerely wish you peace and insights and luck. Maybe Forrest or someone else will be able to ask the right questions and you'll answer them and gain some insights that also lead to change. I hope that all happens.