I do appreciate both of your POVs. I can certainly see that side of things and perhaps writing the letter after the D would be the best.
Sure, he should apologize about the A however, I can't make him do that and he is not in that place yet (if ever). I can only control what I do and it is true, I feel a lot of guilt about my part in the breakdown of our marriage. I have not been a good partner the past 3 years, a good roommate, yes perhaps. It is not my fault he turned to OW, that is his own self-esteem issues at work... It took both of us to get to the point we did and I am ready to accept responsibility for my part.
Don't worry about offending me. I am in a pretty comfortable place with myself. I know I can take it or leave as far as people's input. I would prefer brutal honesty over pussy-footing around!
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
This is a tough one. How about you start by writing the letter to yourself? Maybe just to sort out what you wish you would have done differently? Don't know, just an idea.
As far as timing, I'm kind of at a loss for advice. My apology came early and seemed to help. My H was feeling ignored and unheard, so maybe that is why it helped. Though it did help diffuse the tension, it didn't stop him from going ahead and moving out.
Thanks Zen, I think that is a good idea. It might be enough for me for now to just write it out. I like that.
Interestingly, I have been thinking about this for a couple of days. I went to church this morning and guess what the message was? How to regain lost love. Starting with remembering the good, repenting (asking for forgiveness) and repeating (being ready to have to reinforce with actions or words. Coincidence ?? No worries, I am not about to run off and do it cuz I heard it in church. The pastor seems great but a true DBer? Probably not
I am wondering when I will be able to go to church and not cry though! The feelings that overwhelm me there are love, happiness and safety... all from a person that said I didn't "need God, He probably doesn't exist, and I certainly don't need church" for years! Fortunately it is a huge auditorium and the lights are low. I've learned not to go with Kleenex.
The weekends are super tough. Knowing I am stuck here working while he is probably out having a great time sucks monkey butt. However, I have almost made it through another one. Celebrate the small victories!
I have no regrets changing all of my passwords. I am happy I did. The relief is awesome.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
I just made the realization that I am going to be a fantastic partner to someone someday. I can't believe how much I have learned about myself in the past few months... looking forward to my future. At this point, I suspect I am the only one that has made this significant of progress since I have not been leaning on someone else to make me feel good. I can't live with the same H anymore, I am differentiating (for those that have read Passionate Marriage...).
Maybe he will figure some of this out before it is too late and maybe he won't... I am just happy I have!!!
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
You already are a fantastic partner, just have a stubborn mule of a H that can't see it...and if he can't he doesn't deserve you, that is the attitude you should have...it is true
As far as the letter, you have stirred quite a debate which is good. I don't have a strong opinion. I like the idea of writing it out and see if that helps. Other than that, I tend to listen carefully to what Lotus says...Lotus has offered me great support and insight in the past
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
It was time to change my username... I hope I don't lose those of you that have followed my thread.
Stubborn mule he is! You can literally see him fight any urge to come talk to me when he sees me. I see him out of the corner of my eye, walking past the critical care unit I work in, trying to get a glimpse.
Formerly blgp.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
So now can you tell us what blgp stood for or meant?
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
?? No worries, I am not about to run off and do it cuz I heard it in church. The pastor seems great but a true DBer? Probably not