Darker days ahead

[25yearsmlc]

I'm sincerely asking. Not trying to bash you but am honestly curious.

the reason why i didn't respond to you is because i don't know how to respond to you.

everything i post, you take as a defensive response.

No I don't.
"Everything"....please. Don't extremize good advice. I simply think you are dodging. Or being superficial, like bringing up explanations from the past about your history but without it revealing much about you personally.ie. Saying your father was bad with money "made you" a certain way with money now. But you did not try to change your beliefs, which did not help you live your life well. It contributed to problems in your m, by your own admission. But you continute to explain those beliefs to justify them AND you continue to extremize the "other side" so if I were to suggest lightening up on money, you'd reply with "I don't want to WASTE money like my father" but no one said to do that. I am not saying "go spend wildly" so don't make what I say into something extreme. As for "dodging" the deeper answers, others mention this so I'm not alone in this belief.

and i feel that you attack me in your posts.

Now who's being "defensive"? And who's projecting? I think That is a practice of yours and it is revealing. It could be useful to you if you "do the work" meaning honestly facing and evaluating this behavior-- hopefully you will recognize it and learn that it's not healthy. It doesn't help you here on the board, or in your real life, I think.

it is not helpful to me. i think you could be a resourceful person but i don't get the feeling you really want to help me. you want me off this board because i'm taking up diskspace or something.

You are making such strange accusations here. You're the first person to say this to me. I've posted countless times over a period of several years. I've given people 2 x 4s at times, and held their hands as MINE were once held in this most sad of experiences. I said many times that you need more help than we can provide here. That's not the same as saying I want you off the board. It's admitting my limitations. When you have time to reflect on your comment, I hope you'll see how wildly inaccurate and unfair it is. Others who read posts of mine, HERE, have found value in them but evidently not you. Too bad.

Who says? That's you using an easy explanation but I don't buy it. I'm a middle child of sorts (6 of 10), and we have a middle child and MOST middle children don't talk the way you are talking. It's an excuse you are using, again, to avoid deeper searching.

this is what i mean by not helpful. if you can see that i'm not getting it .. why don't you try and ask the right questions to guide me towards "deeper searching" because after so many posts, it's quite obvious i don't know what questions i need to answer in order to achieve that "deeper searching". instead, you simply accuse me of avoiding.


Because you point to SOME (not the most alarming ones though) of the odd unhealthy behaviors of yours, but then explain them away as if having a reason for them, makes them acceptable. As if You can't change them...you are who you are, and you got that way b/c of something that "happened to you" so it's "hopeless"...and THIS approach prevents you from growing. Rather than taking charge of your own happiness you point to some syndrome or other easy explanation as if it's a cause and not a choice. The middle child syndrome is a cop out. I stand by that.

you want me to expand on my past but when i do, you tell me that it's not relevant NOW. so i have no idea what you want from me.

See above. ANd you do not expand on the dangerous comments you made. You just don't.

all you say to me is "you're wrong" and that's it.
it is not helpful to me. ok. i'm wrong .. so how do i make it right?

I Don't think I ever said you were "wrong", but it's fascinating how you read into any constructive criticism, and turn it into something destructive. You also never address the HIGHLIGHTS--the red flags-- like the suicidal ideation you revealed, STILL gets ignored by you. Even now. By the way, my posts are aimed at YOU finding out what you are to do NOW. Not about the past, unless it's relevant to discovering how to change something today.

It's the dodging and surface analysis that frustrates me b/c I think you are cognitively capable of more.

i don't know how to tap into the "deeper searching". sometimes you can guide me there by asking the right question. there is a way to get beyond the surface analysis - by creating trust and asking the right questions. i know nothing about you. why would i trust you with my sitch?

Trust me? You don't have to trust me to benefit from advice. I didn't ask you to trust me. But I have said many times you should address these things to the IC. You say you don't. Fine.

I'm a L and a part time counselor in real life, but I will not and cannot counsel or give L advice online b/c 1) it's not my position or desire to do that online; and 2) I don't know your history near well enough.

You also don't need to trust me to get advice b/c you can always ignore it. But there are people who want ot get advice, learn from their mistakes and change their behaviors Nor do I have time to "create trust and ask the "right questions'. I am just very direct.

I have been direct with you and don't want riddles or defensive responses or dodging answers. Good grief.

You need help, and of that I am sure. But you want that help without even "giving" us the information we need. You want us to guess and ask "the right" questions, thereby taking up OUR time and making it as easy on you as possible. When I'm direct, you say I am "attacking" you and you project a lot of negativity onto me. I actually think that's part of your situation b/c you admit you did this with your h but now when you do it to me, you see no pattern. Patterns abound in your posts and probably in your life. Use this information to make changes.

How do you "know" any of this, given the NC?

h wrote a long letter about why felt the process was unfair and why he should be getting what he wants, etc. much of it would not hold up in court, but there was a lot of hostility in his letter.

While no one wants to "abandon" you, there are people here really looking for advice to use in their situations. Do you see yourself as one of those, truly?

well, at the risk of being called negative or expecting the worst and that's what you'll get..
i'm not sure what kind of advice i need. my sitch is at the point where the SA is being negotiated and after that, i expect to be served d papers.

Since you are not here to save your m I can't give you advice on that. Just wanted you to see your part in it.

But I have a success story and did not expect to just a few years ago. I recall doing an article on my "upcoming divorce", which never came to be. That's how expectant I was of a divorce. Gave my chances of a recon 10% at one point and said "it would take a miracle." I began DBing shortly before that, and kept on NOT to save the marriage anymore, but to save ME and to learn how to forgive, and to set an example for my children and to avoid becoming neurotic and bitter. And now my m is in a good place. We still have struggles but the commitment is there and so is the love. Since you want no part of that advice, all we can do is what? Oh, nothing b/c you are here to simply update some others and journal.

When I see those "journal" entries I see a sad woman very stuck and entrenched in her need to be right, who then swings to other extremes in mood. Frightening extremes. I dare to point this out. And when I mention them to you, repeatedly, those extremes, those alarming changes and scary suicidal comments of yours remain untouched by you. SO do your comments about fearing your h wants to kill you. You don't even bother to deny them. You post this to me instead. IT's sort of an attack but I don't take it personally.
But I shake my head at the waste b/c you sound intelligent and educated but also, blind. As for defensive behavior, you're projecting again. I have nothing to defend against. You don't know me. I tried to help you. I have helped others, or so I am told. My m was restored. That's enough for me.


i just wanted to give lauraoh and forrest an update because they have followed my thread from day 1. i owe it to them to let them know how my sitch is progressing or ending.

i would definitely like to get some help on peeling the onion. my ic sessions are for short term. we focus on getting through the grieving process and letting go. i've been told to meditate so i can focus ..
if your strength is in saving a marriage. this one isn't salvageable.

ALthough I've heard that before, and said it myself, I'll take your word for it. My "strength" is in helping people get through hard times and maybe in the process grow enough as people that their m IS saved or THEY ARE saved...they find themselves on the other side of this nightmare, whole and healing. Some of them credit me with insights that helped them grow as people.
I just don't think it's that DB failed. I don't think you really DBd and you might even admit that yourself. Does it matter now? Only if you've learned nothing in the process.

catastrophisizing?

I am referring to your "I don't deserve to live"..."I deserved to be left"..."Im not a good person" and that your h "wants to take me out" meaning to Kill you. Yes I stand by the comment that you are catastrophizing b/c those are such alarming dramatic, over the top remarks that you do NOT follow up with, I am stunned you still ignore this. It's disturved thought pattern (yet another pattern) Or worse, it's true and you are not doing anything about these clinically dangerous emotions, or criminally dangerous events to come.


if you are truly trying to help me become a better person, then i will work with you.

From your other comments about me "attacking" you, or Me being "defensive", I suspect someone else can help you more. That's not an insult or a punishment. But you say nothing I've asked or said to you has helped you. So, what's there for me to say?

I sincerely hope your counselling helps you peel away the layers and walls you have so that you can see that deep down inside, (as I said before, in another one of my posts "attacks") you will NOT find a monster.

You'll find a little girl who has been hurt badly and doesn't know how to heal herself. A girl who is trying to "think" her way through this. I suggest you try an Essential Experience workshop for personal individual growth (helped my marriage but my h and I went separately, THEN as a couple b/c it's not designed for couples but as each person IN a M/R gets better, so does the R/M...) so that you attend an experiential workshop where there's no time to rehearse an answer to screen your responses. And you'll be left with an action plan. If not that workshop, then another one. Read up on it. See what you think. It's life changing if you let it be.