I'm not afraid of the cracks in the crystal ball..

[beingreal]

Thanks everyone, it's been a long few months to say the least. lol

I don't think I'm doing anything extraordinary, I'm just trying to do what is best for my family & our future. I know this is going to take a lot of hard work for a long time, I figure that if I'm going to be working that hard I might as well make it really count for something. kwim?

H called me today, I had sent him the website we were going to use for our dissolution & asked him to finish filling out his portion because I wanted to file by Thanksgiving. We had both wanted to avoid the cost of lawyers & said we'd just do it ourselves. We don't have any assets worth fighting over except the kids & I always thought we could figure out how to do what is right for them. I guess I was wrong.

H said he is going to get a lawyer because he knows that I'm going to trick him into signing off on the kids. Trick you? No buddy, you flat out said it several times on Friday that you didn't want them, you didn't want to be their father, you didn't want to pay for them & you wanted to sign off on your parental rights. There is no trickery here, that is exactly what you said.

"So what? You said you'd always love me & you didn't mean *that*"

Seriously? OMG, I am so sick of that line... and the "You threw me out! This is all your fault!" It's been almost seven months, stand up on your own already. But it's who he is, so I don't expect anything different.

At one point he asked me why, if I thought he was that sick (bipolar), didn't I MAKE him get help?? I about choked. I begged him to get help for years. You can't make anyone do anything, including this. But he's still very much a victim & this is just one more thing to blame on me.

I told him to go ahead and get a lawyer and to please not contact me again. He's not getting the kids for a very long time, if at all, so there is really no reason to communicate with him. If he calls then it can go to voicemail.

FG, I have no doubt that he is wounded & finding comfort in being around those who make him feel better about himself... or at least where he feels safe in who he is. I know the new GF is an LPN, so at least there is some ambition there, she isn't just sitting on her rear end waiting for a hand out. His entire family have been hard workers for generations, I know that his behavior is shocking to them. I just hope someone will get through to him, but I'm not holding my breath.

I think his biggest issue with me right now is the house--he is pissed! He moved back into his parents home, very crowded & not as nice as the home we shared (his words). There was a trailer on the property that he was storing 90% of everything he took with him when he left, and that burned down a few months after he got there. He lost literally everything he had & he blames me for that. He hates where he is, and it's my fault. He sees me getting something that he wants, and that makes me bad. He doesn't see that I'm working really hard for what I have--granted I'm getting a lot of help, but keeping it all is up to me. He doesn't see that he was supposed to be doing this with me. He only sees that I have something he doesn't and he is seething.

He could have the same things if he would just work at it. But that's not my job to convince him of that, or to even point it out to him. It's my job to not let his anger and jealousy destroy what we have worked for.

The only way I would let him have the kids again was if he really got help, real help--like being medicated. I've always had a little bit of fear when it came to the boys being with him, but they were always with his parents. Had H lived alone I'd have been hesitant to let them go. As it stands, most of his family see that he isn't right & from I've been told, no one blames me for this.

If he gets treatment for his mental illness & stops self-medicating with illicit drugs, then sure--I'll gladly reconsider.

As it stands now-- no, he doesn't see the pain he is causing, I won't let him keep hurting the boys. I don't think that makes me controlling, I just thinks that makes me a mother.