This is long, but I want to journal this because it feels like such an odd point in my R with H. Maybe a turning point, maybe not. I won’t know till all this is done really. My IC told me to watch for H to be “checking for weirdness” for a while after he & I had sex a few days ago.
Last night H didn’t answer when I called D3 for night-nights, but texted back that she was watching a show & he would have her call before she fell asleep. He called about 30 minutes later. D3 was snuggled up in bed and really too tired to talk much, do H “pretended” to be her and said “I love you mommy, goodnight!,” like she usually does. I responded “I love you too sweetie!” like I normally would to Ida. It was kind of weird. We both were talking like we would if it had been Just D3, but it ‘felt’ like we were… I don’t know, talking over her head to each other?
I have caught him doing that more and more when I see him. He will say something to D3, like “you have the best mommy in the world,” but look at me when he says it. Kind of like ha can’t say anything nice to me directly, so he sends it through our D.
Anyway, he was very sweet sounding. When I told him I would see him in the morning, he told me he had forgotten that he had to be at work earlier than he had thought, so was going to have to drop-n-run. Pullback? Probably, but hey, I was expecting it. And no nasty coldness in his voice.
I go ahead and go to bed, wakeup and go for a run in the morning. When I get back I see that H sent me a text at 1:45 last night. Our phones occasionally don’t send a message right away. Annoying, but nothing I can do about it. Apparently D3 was throwing up from midnight to 5, about every 30 minutes. His message had said he would call if it got serious, but that she was not dehydrated or anything, so not an emergency. Glad H got to handle that one. After all, he is the one making us single parents. (insert evil laugh here…)
Once I saw the message I texted to see how they were. H called a few minutes later. No fever, but neither of them had gotten much sleep at all. I offered to come get her instead of having him try to rush to get here in time for him to go to work. H said thanks, it would be great if I did that. He was already running late and had a huge load of vomit laundry to get washed too. Yuck!
When I got there, I gave H a hug and we chatted over coffee for a bit while D3 finished watching an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba. It went well. No weirdness, and it didn’t seem awkward to me. (My DBing goal for the day was a success!) I asked him to call me to talk about D3 schedule for the next week and he said to call him at work today. H mentioned that he had taken D3 to play at her friend L’s house. Friend L, BTW, has a connection to possible OW, but her dad is also one of the only other dad’s H has as a friend. I restrained myself and didn’t ask who was there by reminding myself that it is (1) a good thing that H is getting less secretive and (2) D3 had told me earlier this week that she wanted to see friend L and wanted her daddy to take her there.
After getting D3 home & settled, I called H to talk about the schedule. 3 overnights and no plans to come over, at least as of now. I restrained myself from asking him to come over. I did tell him I would be working on our bookkeeping this weekend and we agreed to keep in touch on the phone to talk about it. It may be a good opening to meet face to face, but for now I will wait for H to make the next move. The conversation was slowing down, so I said goodbyes and hung up before it started to get awkward. H was friendly the whole time. I thought about it later and decided to call again to see if he had told D3’s friend’s parents about the tummy bug, just in case. He had, and we laughed a bit. Said goodbye quickly that time so it didn’t seem like I was just harassing him.
I figure he will be pulling back for a bit. I will try to keep the communication lines open somehow, without starting to pursue again. That will be hard, but not impossible. There is a lot of financial stuff to get in order, so I can use that as an excuse. He is being friendly and a tiny bit less secretive, but not making plans to come over right now.
This is hard. To keep on track I will try to keep in mind how far things have come. If I start to push, I will loose ground again. I don’t want that to happen.
Anyway, here is my plan. 1. No asking when H is coming over next, even if I think my head will explode. 2. Get the bookkeeping done so I can talk with H about it. It needs done anyway. 3. Keep posting on FB, but keep it neutral and fun 4. Talk to H about finances early this week. 5. If no days come up to see each other this week, I will call H to “just chat.” No R talk, just a check-in. 6. Keep up the PMA, not just for DBing either.
Ya know, it just wouldn’t be ‘me’ to not have a plan, would it?
Only you know your situation the best. Your plan sounds good to me except perhaps for #5. I don't think calling H "just to chat' is a good idea. It can be seen as pursuing, even if it appears he enjoys it. It makes it seem like you can't let him go. Again, do what you feel is best but watch to make sure you're not being the pursuer. Give him the space he needs. If he wants to contact you, believe me he will.
Stay strong Zen!
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Looking at it again, I think you are right. And I will get a chance to see him eventually. It is just so very hard to keep from asking "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? How 'bout now?"
Yeah, #5 ended up on the list because I still want to DO something. I HATE feeling so powerless! I have been doing so good, but now H coming arround being sweet again has me all frustrated again. I want him to come home!
Tonight D3 and I heard fireworks and we drove out to see them because she asked if we could. I figured, why not? Sitting there I start thinking that there is just no good reason for him not to be there with us. All of us, him, me, D3, we are all missing out on each other. It is just so sad and pointless.
I'm sorry if I sound down. I'm frustrated. Sometimes it it hard to keep the PMA going.
Zen, weekends are hard for a lot of us. The boards are slow, we have free time that we used to spend as a family, and our Ss temporarily remove us from the social connections we had as a couple. In my case, I tended to spend weekends at home at first (I was, and am still after 2 years, not ready to see H w/ any OW). Now, when I go out, I go to remote locations where I'm unlikely to run into H. This has actually made for some really interesting "field trips," and led to some more GAL activities. Try to be creative. Say "yes" when opportunities arise, even if -- no, especially if -- they are outside of your comfort zone. New experiences will be good for both you and your D!
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Weekends are the worst, especially at the beginning. I spent several months of weekends hiding under the covers in my bedroom. There is usually someone around here to talk with, and, like Twink said, the more GAL'ng you do the better. I have developed interests I never had before, spend more time with good friends that I never did before. Am more Mamaw that I was before to my grands.
Zen, you're in Dallas. Consider visiting Branson for the Christmas lights. That's what I'm doing next weekend with friends from High School.
OK, it is official, #5 is a bad idea. It is off the list. Thanks for all the input. It has helped so much.
I think this weekend has been rough because most of my GAL plans got scrapped by D3's tummy bug. She is fine, but nobody wants to run the risk of all night vomit. Yuck. Left me with a lot more time at home than I had planned for.
H also chickened out of comming by Saturday morning. So, now I am trying to get back on track and resist the very strong urge to ask all those why questions I had put away. I had taken him wanting to get together as a good sign, but now I feel much more devestated about not seeing him than I expected.
I'll look at going to see the Branson lights. I have D3 on the weekends, so maybe it would be good to go.
You can't forget that this is a rollercoaster ride. There will be times you are convinced he's coming around, only to be proved absolutely wrong the next week. Detaching helps ride those ups and downs so that you don't get your hopes too high during the good times and you don't get too down when things go badly. Your sitch sounds a lot like mine shortly post-bomb. H was still around a lot and things often seemed like normal. But their mind is still messed up. Don't forget, this is not a sprint but a marathon. You are still very new to this. It often takes years, not months. Not trying to get you down, but it's important to keep a realistic outlook. If it happens sooner great. But mentally be prepared to be in this for the long haul. You sound strong and I'm sure you'll be OK. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
I really have felt that rollercoaster this week. What with no gaurantees, it is tough. I honestly do feel though, that the longer this lasts, the better my chances are that he will come home. But only IF I don't revert to pursuing behavior. For now now I guess all I can do is focus on myself and my daughter.
I have decided that however, that this week I need to finish getting the finances in order. It is a high priority for protecting myself and has the added benefit of seeming to be a dose of reality for H. Also gives me a truly legitimate reason to talk to him.
