putting my big girl panties on

[flowmom]

Thanks for the active listening ABG . Perhaps people will learn from how you are responding to posters.

So what you are seeking is to become more fearless in the face of the possibility of heartbreak, and to find ways of being more open to what is unfolding than you have been.

Yes.

Maybe you have some thoughts on what happened in the marriage that caused this to not be the case.

I was so terrified of losing my STBXH that I didn't take the risks that I should have taken to be true to myself. What was unfolding was a lot of ugliness and I wish I had overcome my fear about confronting the situation.

So you are finding ways to both be the passionate and open woman you want and also not getting overly attached to circumstances that are not desirable.

Yes. But at the same time I have a lot of respect for the nature of attachment and how powerful it is. In cases of infidelity it's often compared to being addicted to a drug here on this forum. But the fact is that sexual/romantic attachment is a powerful biological force that has its own momentum.

It's very interesting being in throes of the passion of new relationship, while trying to confront the difficult reality of my procrastination issues. I just completed session #3 of 6 with the counselor. She wants me to consult with a psychiatrist colleague to look into whether antidepressants are appropriate for me given that undiagnosed ADHD may be a major root cause of a lot of my procrastination issues as well as some of the mood stuff (which may be secondary). She is giving me a lot of credit for my self-awareness and the efforts that I've taken to improve my situation. But she says that I have a lot of obstacles to overcome in addressing the procrastination. I'm not convinced that she can help me in the 6 weeks planned, but I give her credit for carefully tailoring her approach to work with my objectives and where I'm at.

Thanks as always for reading and responding folks. It means a lot.

[ArnieBGood]

Thank you for the kind words - and also for the support on the other thread. There doesn't seem to be any openness to different ideas there, which is okay. Not about to try to force anything on folk.

You have clearly done a lot of work on yourself, and in such a short time.

I am curious about the approach being taken by the counselor regarding procrastination, since I have struggled with that at times as well. I am personally averse to taking drugs as well, so I am wondering if a cognitive approach is being taken.

I was so terrified of losing my STBXH that I didn't take the risks that I should have taken to be true to myself.

Perhaps there might be a connection between this fear and procrastinating in other areas.

[flowmom]

You have clearly done a lot of work on yourself, and in such a short time.

Luckily, I have been working on myself for a long time. Of course the separation shook me to my core, but I already had some personal strength to draw on. I was doing a lot of work on 180s before the separation even though it was unexpected (even though there were marriage problems). Working on myself since separation involved shifting my focus, but it was part of a continuing process.

I am curious about the approach being taken by the counselor regarding procrastination, since I have struggled with that at times as well. I am personally averse to taking drugs as well, so I am wondering if a cognitive approach is being taken.

Based on my goals and my starting point, we agreed on a 6 week course of Brief Solution-Oriented Therapy using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Life Coaching. But interesting she seems to feel that there is a role for medication where depression and ADHD are involved, even though she doesn't diagnose those or prescribe medications. She is tailoring the therapy a lot to my personal issues and patterns. I have read a lot about procrastination and my understanding is that it's a multicausal and complex issue for those who have significant, chronic problems.

I was so terrified of losing my STBXH that I didn't take the risks that I should have taken to be true to myself.

Perhaps there might be a connection between this fear and procrastinating in other areas.

Absolutely. Living in fear and problems with decision-making contributed to many past failures in dealing with major life problems including marriage issues and stuff that I was procrastinating on (esp earning/financial).

[flowmom]

Exhausted and blissed out after a night with Guitarist. He just puts a huge smile on my face. We savour every moment together...lacking the innocence of youth, we don't take anything for granted. I'm experiencing something that I thought I'd never have for the rest of my life: the passion and flush of a new relationship. Last night he said "you're a very loveable woman..." Sigh .

I know this is mostly lust and infatuation and crazy neurochemicals...but I say "bring it on!". It's one of life's peak experiences and it feels so good to freely give and receive.

Going out to see jazz with him on Wednesday at a gig of a friend of his. Should be interesting to peek at a couple of his friends and be in the unfamiliar "girlfriend" role.

PS, here's the latest book I'm obsessed with:
http://www.deida.info/books/intimate-communion
so many "aha!" moments

[newmama]

You certainly are glowing, FM, and I am happy for you!!!
Enjoy this stage while it lasts! I am glad you recognize the high is caused by the chemicals, etc. but no doubt that the two of you must have a genuine connection so don't explain it ALL away.

I am looking forward to getting a real boyfriend one day when I have room in my life for one!

[flowmom]

Yes, there is a real connection. I don't think either of us have expectations of where things are leading, but the connection is there.

[flowmom]

I do find that when I'm with him I find the growing connection very intense. I have a sense of not knowing what to do with those feelings, YKWIM?

Also, I'm realizing that my thread probably belongs in "Divorcing". Partly because I feel a bit nauseous looking at the Newcomer threads. I wish I had the strength to help the newcomers, but honestly I can't tell them what they want to hear. I so admire how City Girl and others helped me. All the advice I have to give is in my current sig line.

[flowmom]

Well, I guess I am doing what so many women feel the need to do: I am wanting to "define the relationship". I guess it's partly out of self-protection. I've been reading about "booty call relationships"...and I think I'm in one. Apparently all the affection, etc can be part of that kind of relationship. I need to manage my feelings here because opening my heart is probably a bad idea. I don't think that Guitarist wants to use me or anything, but I shouldn't cultivate expectations of the emotional side developing much. It's an important time to tune into my intuition and feel out what's going on for me...and him.

[idontunderstand]

FM -

I just gotta say - I LOVE YOU!

Keep enjoying life!

[flowmom]

IDU - I LOVE YOU TOO!!