It'a All About Me

[dolphin_05]

Thanks Rabbit. I agree that self preservation is a smart move and atm it's allowing me breathing space and a reprieve from my over analytical brain.

Received an email from H about some money we need to transfer to our super account but no mention of settlement again. Starting to think I should instigate this. Tiring of limbo!

[dolphin_05]

Then later a skype asking me his top five business attributes for another application....now that's basic so it's either 1. he's too lazy (although he did give me his suggestions) 2. he values my opinion or 3. he wanted to make contact or 4. combination

Then he asked about my op and about 2 of my friends who are unwell and soon to have surgery and about my performance review which is coming up.

[Sanderika]

Cas,

I am voting it's a combination.

I think based on your posts, H wanted to make contact first and
second, values your opinion.

I think your NC approach has a huge affect on him right now. It seems to be shorter stints of time between his back-off and then connection phases (correct me if you think I'm wrong).

IMO, for now go forward with the money transfer, if you agree with it and don't mention the settlement. It's a lot to ask, but you are making progress with H.

((((Cas and Rabbit))))

Thanks you two for the support and good wishes. I'll post tonight or tomorrow how it went today.

Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

(((((Sanderika))))), thinking of you and hoping you will post as soon as you can.

Spoke to H again on skype last night. Lots of good conversation until D's plans for this weekend came up and he offered to take her out. I thanked him but said I would have preferred he helped last weekend when I asked him to and then didn't bother and left it to me. I tried to state it clearly by asking that he just let me know if plans are changed. He said I was whinging. This is still all about him and I'm tired of it.

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

I agree your H is heavy inside his "All About Me" zone.

Your H got defensive because you pointed out a flaw in his behavior and thought process. A MLC symptom.

In his mind the offer for this weekend regarding D was a good thing for all. In that way he earned points for being considerate and thoughtful. He is ignorant as to the impact his flip-flops have on you and D. Last weekend he was in "selfish" mode for sure.

I am proud of you that you stood up to him firmly and pointed out the boundaries and affect his choice last weekend had on you and D.

RE: "H said I was whinging"
H has no right in criticizing you for your needs and thoughts on anything. You are doing a marvelous job managing your life and D's. H being MIA, he really has no say in the matter and that was mean. I hope you promptly ended the chat.

Yesterday, I appeared in court and H was a "no show". The judge asked me to explain his whereabouts and I did so honestly based on the reasons H gave me for not being there (work related and could not reschedule due to circumstances).

Judge then asked me if I wanted to dismiss the D and I said NO.

Judge then asked me what I wanted. I could have said an instant D and everything (all assets). I stated that I wanted only what would be fair at this point in time and since H was not there to speak for himself I said I only wanted the basics covered.

So....
I got full custody of S without visitation (I wanted this one badly).

I got exclusive rights to our "home" property. (I wanted this one just as bad).

I will be getting child support at $183.00 per week. (H will be bs on this one he has employees who have to pay child support on one child and the most withheld out of those is $75.00 per week).

I will be getting spousal support at $1000.00 per month.

H has to pay for all costs of the D: legal fees, attorneys fees for both sides and appraisals.

Our discovery must be completed by May 31, 2011.

These are all interim awards. The final D settlement could be better or worse for me. We have a lot of property/assets to appraise and I refuse to walk away without future profits from the company. It's still going to be a long road to travel to the end.

H got off easy yesterday IMO. The judge could have imposed fines and penalties on him regardless of my statement. The interim awards will probably make him angry, I can't worry about that. H brought the D on and H was not there to speak for himself (all by choice).

This exhausted me yesterday. I have spoken to H twice. We chatted for an hour last night and it was all good. I am not going to get nasty at this point in time. It's not what it is all about anymore. This will be a business transaction and I am going to stay out of it emotionally in front of him. (I'll save the emotion for you all and my hometown friends);-)

Today he called early, came for breakfast and then took S for the day....All is fine. I am OK.

I hope you are having a good weekend. I'll be around watching and reading off and on throughout...

Thank You (((Cas)))

Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

Hi Sanderika,
I was watching to see when you'd post. You sound really positive and I hope you feel that way, too.

I'm in a funk myself atm because I have a lot of work due and I am tired and cranky! Sick of sitting on this computer so I will be away now but just wanted to read that you were ok.

I'm glad you proceeded fwiw. Perhaps H was away so you could make that decision for the two of you.

[dolphin_05]

Hi again Sanderika, I've just re-read your post and I feel things worked out the way they should have in court. I still think H's no-show is an indication that he wanted you to make the final decision and the judge to set the interim measures becuase he is still unable to make that step for himself. Kind of a denial I guess. Good to see that he was still in communication and that he spent the day with S. Now you've taken the first step, rest and revive a little.....

I am proud of you that you stood up to him firmly and pointed out the boundaries and affect his choice last weekend had on you and D.

RE: "H said I was whinging"
H has no right in criticizing you for your needs and thoughts on anything. You are doing a marvelous job managing your life and D's. H being MIA, he really has no say in the matter and that was mean. I hope you promptly ended the chat.

I am really caught atm because everything that comes up I try to address calmly and this was an example. I put it out there hoping H would see where I was coming from and apologise or at least recognise his part. Wrong! All he did was justify the action he had taken. Same old, same old. However, on reflection I realise that to be more authentic in that situation I should have text/called him at the time and found out what was going on between H and D rather than just done the driving for her.

There are some positive differences which are becoming quite consistent. H is receptive to discussing issues (albeit they have to leave him as innocent and me as guilty) now in a calm manner. If I call him, he answers his phone. Previously he would not answer. If there's a misunderstanding he bounces back quickly.

Now, yesterday I did think, "Enough!" and I was tired and overwhelmed by work so I gave H an out but interestingly he didn't take it.

So the situation remains.....he doesn't want to let go but he doesn't want to commit. I need the DB coaching. Holidays soon so I can organise the time then.

[Sanderika]

Thank you so much Cas,

I appreciate your support. I too was wondering if H created a circumstance which took him away from the drama and out of the picture.

I've given your thoughts a lot of thought myself. Maybe H is going to let me take the lead throughout. I really don't want that burden. I want H to take responsibility for his actions.

My H is in denial for sure. In our conversations and face to face contact he is complacent and casual. He behaves like he is my friend and that the marriage is not in a dire state. Yesterday he was talking to me about how to invest some of our money. I mean, seriously here....what is he thinking?

Today he is supposed to retrieve S again to spend today with him as well. Two more points of contact with me, I am going to act "as if" since it seems to be working well.

You know Cas, you and I are in relatively similar places with our H's. Mine acts very similar to yours in conversations and requires "kid glove" treatment so as not to touch a nerve as well. Mine will answer the phone when I call (it's almost never but I have called once or twice...this has been the case since about 6 months ago).

My thoughts today.....

This is actually uncharted water for each of us. We really do not know or understand the next phase. We are quite clever and seasoned as to how to treat our H's and the MLC symptoms we have seen over the past 5 years.

My fear is that while our H's don't want to get too far away from us they also do not want to re-commit to us/family. This tells me that they are working on the outside to create good/great friendships with us and no more.

My fear tells me that they are happy with us at arms length and keep up the attitude so as not to give us false hopes that there is more going on.

I keep thinking about the phrase 25yearsMLC using frequently:

BE THE WOMAN ONLY A FOOL WOULD LEAVE

I am trying to be that woman. I think you are trying to be that woman. Is our behavior creating this limbo/lingering behavior in our H's? If so, where is this path taking us in the end?

Early in my sitch, I learned that if I was the woman he fell in love with he wouldn't actually be able leave me. I adopted the mantra: "How can he leave me if he likes me and loves me again?" In fact I have posted this thought many times. I went to work and changed back to that girl. The result is that H is unable to actually leave me. Where does that take us?

Cas, what do we do now with this? I really don't know? I feel you are in the same place. We have to learn what happens next and what is happening to them. We have to be able to navigate through this with grace and reason and maturity.

I do not think either of our marriages are actually over (yet)?!?!

I think we can figure this out, I still think it's worth working on and fighting for....I plan on it anyway because.....it isn't over til it's over.

((((Hugs))))

Sanderika

[punkin]

Not to hijack here, but I thought I was the woman only a fool would leave. In his case, the perfect Army wife. He left me anyway, for someone much younger, totally opposite, and has criticized me ever since. Confusion.

[Sanderika]

Hey Punkin,

This is what we all thought.

IMO...

Reality was we had changed. We changed from the girl they fell in love with to someone else. I, for one, am very much guilty of this.
I had become complacent and cocky about my marriage. I stopped working on it and us. I failed to nurture my marriage to the extent that my H felt neglected by me.

I opened the door he flew out of....

I think for those of us (you, me and Cas included)who have been married for such a long time this is what happens. I don't think we mean for it to, however it does. This doesn't mean it is all our fault. Our H's also grew complacent and cocky. The difference to me is that we were much stronger and less vulnerable than they were at the time this happened. We underestimated their needs. At the time of the MLC trigger, we were completely unaware the effect it had on our H's. This is not because we are cold and without heart, it was because we had issues of our own we were dealing with. You could say selfishness had crept in on both sides.

So...our H's go out one day/night without our presence and low and behold some trollop throws herself at him and we all know the rest of the story......

Mine also left me for someone totally opposite in appearance and character from me. Age was not a factor in my case but the differences are huge.

After the bomb drop, I took the time to open my eyes and analyze exactly what the problems were with us. I was able to see my role in the breakdown of the marriage.

My H spent 3 years of this ordeal running from me and criticizing me at every opportunity. He has spent the last two
re-creating a friendship with me. Albeit it has been a "slow progress road to hoe". The changes are obvious.

I realize we are in a divorce at present. I am going to DB right to the bitter end. I am hopeful that by "letting go" we can both turn a new leaf and realize what truly matters in our lives and begin to protect and save what is precious and important to us.

Yes, I do believe that if we become "THE WOMAN ONLY A FOOL WOULD LEAVE" it opens their eyes to the truth and reality. I do believe that it buys us time for possibilities that otherwise would not happen.

None of us would be here if we thought our marriages and families were disposable.

Together we can find a way to survive...

Sanderika