However... I don't know if I am experiencing some type of next stop in the grieving process but... I have been thinking the past couple of days how I would like to ask for forgiveness for my part in the breakdown of the marriage. I am probably best at letter writing as a means to get this across, not sure. I am wondering if there is ever an OK time to do this. I don't even want an actual answer from him, I am not pursuing but I realize it would likely be viewed this way. I really just want to get across how deeply sorry I am for not being there emotionally or physically for the past few years. When I was physically there, my frustration with the lack of intimacy that was missing usually came out in anger.
Is there a 'right' time or way to do this?
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
It is fine to send him a letter. It is a very adult thing to do. Just be sure that you are not doing it to get a certain reaction from him. It is better to write the letter because you feel you have something to say with no expectations of any reaction from him at all.
If you choose to write the letter, I'd advise you to steer clear of talking about him - what he did, or said, or thought. Talk about yourself. Tell him about you, not him. He knows about himself, and you know about yourself. So, if you are talking about yourself, you can speak knowledgeably. If you talk about him, you are drawing conclusions that he may disagree with, and it puts him off when he reads it. He will see that as attacking him.
Be aware that depending on the level of stress between the two of you, you never know when communication may completely break down. You may get a response to your letter, or he may never acknowledge it. It is good to say your piece so that you do not go into the divorce with misunderstandings.
However, if you cannot write a letter without anger or name calling or accusing him or bad deeds, then it is probably better not to put a pen to paper.
Lotus makes some very good points. I did appologize to my H early sfter the bomb. Shortly afterwards he moved out, but he had already been planning it. He probably saw it as too little too late. It did take the wind out of his sails and H started to notice the changes I was making. He also stopped being as accusitory. Kind of took the wind out of his sails.
I would suggest a book called "The 5 Languages og Appology" before you do this. It helped make my appology a real one and not just annother attempt to argue my side with my H.
Thank you Lotus. It would be a letter solely about me, without anger and without his part in this. I truly would like to ask for forgiveness for my part. I don't actually want any reaction or response. I want to do this for me and know that I asked. Whether he chooses to accept and one day forgive is his choice. I can't make him forgive me but I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself and move on if I don't ask.
I honestly would prefer no response. I would prefer he take time to think about what I am asking. When we were having our really emotional break-up, I said I was sorry I wasn't there. He immediately protested adamantly that I was, it wasn't that etc... this is before I knew about the A. I really seemed to hit a nerve. I think in his mind he told himself I was there and I just wasn't pleasant to live with, didn't understand him etc. I would like to express that I wasn't there emotionally and drained when I was physically, that I apologize for this and ask to be forgiven one day.
The part I struggle the most with is how to write a letter like this somehow making it clear that I have no expectations from him.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
I would suggest not doing the letter. If he is still with ow there is no point. Save that for if he were to end the affair and want to work on the marriage. Keep doing the 180 instead, actions are a lot stronger than words any way.
The point is actually for me. I am not using it as a tool to get him back. It won't work, I know that. I need to ask forgiveness for me as I work toward moving on, getting stronger and looking forward to a brighter future with or without H. I don't know that now is the right time though. I would like it to be when his mind is most likely to be open to forgiveness... not necessarily a R. I think these are two different things.
But, as far as continuing to DB, I agree actions are stronger than words.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
I completely hear what you are saying, but from my perspective I did something similar and i feel that it back fired on me as far as reconciliation goes. So if you do have any hope of reconciliation don't do a letter at this point. My husband is still in contact with Ow. When I first found out about the affair and i thought we were in reconciliation I took so much of the blame on myself. I opened up to him about how selfish I had been and how I hoped that he could forgive me for my mistakes in the marriage. We started to read the Dr. Phil book together, and I was very open about the issues that I felt I had brought to the marriage while we read that book together. Well, as my husband got back in touch with the OW he would bring up the fact that this made him aware how many problems we did have in our relationship and how I was really to blame for a lot of them. My point is when they are in the fog, they are already rewriting history and blameshifting. You don't need to do anything that helps them to do this even more. If you get to a real reconciliation then it makes sense to do this. Or if forgiveness is what you really want and you never make it to R, then wait until the divorce is over and see if you still really need it. In the meantime, don't feel to guilty about what you did wrong in the marriage. The bottom line is he never gave you a chance to fix it.
The point is actually for me. I am not using it as a tool to get him back. It won't work, I know that. I need to ask forgiveness for me as I work toward moving on, getting stronger and looking forward to a brighter future with or without H. I don't know that now is the right time though. I would like it to be when his mind is most likely to be open to forgiveness... not necessarily a R. I think these are two different things.
But, as far as continuing to DB, I agree actions are stronger than words.
Hmmm.
Seems to me someone should be apologizing for having an Affair. Not the other way around. Just my $.02.
Not to be mean, but that letter would wreak of weakness, IMO.
Let me explain why you DON'T have to to do this for you.
You are here turning inward into yourself to fix, own, and better yourself and hopefully to save your marriage.
HE is turning outward and seeking external validation through an OW.
Who is really doing the work and saying they are sorry for their part?
By all means write that letter, but there is no reason to give it to him if he is with someone else. Personally, if I put myself in His shoes, I would view you as pursuing me still.
Again, not trying to be rude to you, just giving you another pov.
